OK, get ready to start telling me how stupid I am because I really messed up last night! It really wasn't my fault but of course it was totally my fault because I allowed myself to get drawn into her awfulness. I should have been stronger, ignored her, but instead I let how I feel about the way she is acting at this point in time get to me. It started when, after all the missing our D's grad events, the trying to send her away, all that I have posted about, she found another way to screw her and me. There was a party last night for my D's class. This is the last time she will see most of the people that were there. Especially since she now can't go to the school she wants. There were teachers there that have known her all her life that will no longer be a part of her life as well. The kids she grad with are like brothers and sisters to her. This same core group have been in very small classes together since Kindergarden. One of the reasons we sent her there year after year is because of how wonderful this was, how the teachers care so very much, how every child is accepted and part of the group. They honestly love one and other.
My D is so upset knowing that this is the last time she will be part of this family like school. She loves her teachers, her friends and EVERY other kid in her class is someone she calls friend. So, going to this was important to her. About half an hour before we were going to leave, my W texts and offers to bring bottles of water from the store so I don't have to pick some up. OK, that would be nice. Well we wait for over an hour and still no W. Finally I text her and she says that she thought I knew (how I would know this is beyond me) that she wanted to meet me to pick it up! How am I supposed to know this? Mind reading? I ask her where and she says at the party.
I tell my D and my D says to me that she doesn't want her mom at the party and for me to text her to bring the water home. Here she is so upset she is late and she so doesn't want her mother there she would rather miss more! I tell her that she really needs to not do that. That it would hurt her mothers feelings and we should just go and meet her. We are on our way and my W calls and asks where we are! I tell her and she says how late we are running, how bad that is, etc. It's her fault! She will not accept any responsibility for her part in anything! By the time we get there many teachers my D wanted to see were gone but many were still there and she had a great time. I was nothing but nice to W, never let myself get upset. At one point my D asks about staying overnight at one of the girls. I say it's fine with me but to ask her mom since her GF is in town. To my surprise my W says yes. Great.
So, we all leave the party and we get home late. I am nothing but nice to my W, get ready for bed and say goodnight. W stops me and says "Don't you want to talk"? I ask about what and she says about the lawyer she went to see! I say no, I don't but she insists. Now it begins! She tells me that she found out just how easy it will be to get a D. How we can save all kinds of money since we are going to be so good about dividing everything and about custody of our D. I ask her why she lied to me and said she wasn't going to go to a L and she says it was her fathers idea and she wasn't going to go but he made her and she was glad he did! She said she was asking questions of her father (this is the man who screwed her and her brother and mother, has told me horror stories about how he acted and done the most awful things since I've known her, and she wants his advice?) so he thought she should go. So, I say she must have known for a while, you don't just show up at his office. She said only a week! I say why with her dad, why not with me if she thinks all is so easy. Why not tell me she was going once she knew and this way she wouldn't be hiding it from me? No answer.
Now the good part...she says that since we are going to share custody of our D, it will be easy and won't have any bad effects on her. I hate this thing she has about how D doesn't hurt kids, it's how you act. I tell her that since she is 14, she should be able to have a say in where she lives and she probably would choose to stay here with me (my W hates our home so I know she won't live here and she wants to live with her new friends in another town) this got her angry and she accused me of turning our D against her! Told me that my D said she told her that I was "weeping" on the way to school after we had a fight (this was a long time ago, not long after B-day and I was so angry I took it out on my D. When I realized what I was doing I was so upset with myself I did get teary and told her how sorry I was) and that I told her mom is going through a hard time or MLC. Now, I never said MLC to my D. My older D said once when the 3 of us were together and she stayed out all night drinking, "Can anyone say MLC?" as a joke but since, every time my W acts out (very often) they both say this but W wants to blame me. That I am a monster that wants to take away her D and not let me see her because I don't like that she doesn't want me anymore. How everyone tells her I'm going to do awful things but she didn't believe them but now she knows they are true. Told me what a horrible person I am how she can no longer trust me, never has. Told me she saw a blog post where I said awful, untrue things about her and now knows that's how I REALLY feel about her. Said some even better stuff none of which was true, and I had enough. I got very angry.
I told her she was the one doing the "awful" things, like hiding money, locking me out of email accounts and seeing a L after saying just 2 weeks before she had no intention of doing so. That she picked our D's big day to do it when she could have done it any time. How she is the one who has refused to try MC or anything except straight to "I want a D and I don't want to try". To this she said "I only told you because you asked me what was wrong and that was how I felt and I HAVE TO BE HONEST". That one just got me. Honest? I did go way too far when she brought up stuff from 15 years ago (money problems), told me in the most foul manner that I should have refinanced HER car to get a lower rate to save us money when she insisted in getting a car that cost $10,000 more than mine because she wanted a "Hybrid" and wouldn't listen that the extra cost wasn't worth it. Pretty much told me what a bad provider I was when for 15 years I was the sole income maker, we kept our kids in schools that cost more a year than most people make while she spent years lying around all day doing nothing because she was so "depressed" and I had to do everything. Not once in that time did I act any way but supportive, now I know she never stopped being depressed, she refused to do anything with me or our kids for years and lays in bed all night anxious thinking nothing but how unhappy she is. (She is the one who told me she does this, I guess she forgot) that all I've tried to do is give her space and be supportive even after all the awful things she has said and done. That she can go, in fact I'm all for it, but she isn't taking my D from me, destroying her family just because she's "unhappy" and wants to blame me. Yeah, I know, stupid.
She tore into me telling me if I would just be resonable but no, I want to hurt her by keeping our D from her! She went on about how she didn't trust me, how I let our D's watch "bad" TV shows (they are 18 and 14. The 18 year old and I watch Game of Thrones together and it can get racy and ONE TIME my 14 year old was in the room when a sex scene came on and since turning 14 I found out she watches South Park and I guess my W doesn't like that) how I'm using bad drugs (I'm on testosterone replacement therapy, my T levels are low due to an injury I had in the past) even though she is on hormone replacement herself, I watch too much TV (we have no money so I haven't been going out, maybe watch 2 hours a day and not every day) and the kicker for me was the same Dr. who told her that she needed antidepressants because she had a "bad marriage" told her that as soon as she moves out, she can go off them! Can you believe this guy! I doubt he said this (if he did he's an awful DR.) but she wants so badly for this to be.
She went on to tell me that the reason she didn't do anything with me or the kids when she went back to work is because she "doesn't like" me. She's just not attracted to me and didn't want to spend time with me so didn't. That I'm the only thing that makes her unhappy. In fact our D said that everyone in the house is unhappy and that's my fault. Not her refusing to be a mother, not her depression/ anxiety, not her sleeping on the couch, not her constant yelling, not the fact that she no longer thinks it's bad to hurt your kids, not her wanting a D (no, she says it started long before that), it's all because of the fact that I'm unattractive to her now and as soon as she leaves our home all will magicly be right and she won't even need antidepressants.
She also said that when she wants to talk about our R all I say is "If you're unhappy, it's not because of me or our marriage" and that she wants to get me a T-shirt that says this. I started saying that when every time I made a change she asked for she would say "I shouldn't have had to ask for a D before you would do something". What am I supposed to say? I take responsibility for any stupid crap she comes up with (even if I don't feel that way), validate her feelings, tell her if she wants to go that's up to her but I'd rather she didn't, that I understand that she is going through a bad time but she won't let me near her or only seems to want to blame me when I really don't have the power to make her happy no matter how badly I'd like to, only she can choose to be that way or not. That I have every right to be angry at her for the way she went from saying she had no thoughts of D and my getting a vasectomy to 12 weeks later saying she does want a D and has felt that way for "years".
As for why I'm so awful....as unbelievable as this sounded I don't do enough around the house! I clean the bathrooms, the kitchen, the sinks, the living room, make sure the kids get fed, pick them up, drop them off, vacuum, do the dishes, take care of the dogs, pay the bills. I can't think of a single thing she actually does around here! Next, I watch too much TV. Like I said, only about 2 hours and only days I'm not doing something else. She even said that I don't "anymore" (I never did) but that's only been for a few months. Of course she spends hours a day texting and playing video games and listening to music so loud everyone has to run away to get some peace. That she just doesn't "trust" me. Trust me to do or not do what, she can't say. I think she understands that I hate what she is doing and is so afraid I'm going to start acting towards her the way most people act towards a S who does what she is!
At the end I calmed her down and said that as much as I might like, I can't hate her. That it's her own fears that drive her thoughts about what I will or won't do and as much as you seem to not want to believe it, I never would keep her from her D. Of course so far this morning she has bugged me to start doing things that like change the phones from my name, get paperwork, acting like all is just so fine. She also started on D's school and wanting "us" to go around looking at schools since she won't pay any part of D's school next year.
Like I said, I hate what she is doing to our marriage and me but accept that. It's the screwing around with the kids lives and now knowing she wants to do exactly what I don't want (one week with me, one with her, not taking my D's wants into consideration) that makes me think so badly of her. I know I messed up but she just said such horrible things. I pride myself on how I was able to keep things going even when she was sick and I had to do it all, alone. How hard I worked to make enough money to allow her to stay home, the sacrifices I made that now she seems to forget. I was already angry because of the things she's been doing over the last couple days and this spew on me, this telling me that she knows I'm going to do horrible things that I never would just because I said "my D", not "our D" when I told her that I would never keep her from her. She would talk over me when I was answering her questions like a 15 year old! I had had a very long day and was so tired already. I don't want to deal with her on this until her father leaves as she acts different when he's around but she keeps pushing.
Sorry about the long post but I wanted to get it all out and down while fresh in my mind. I know I really badly messed up by getting angry. I know that was a huge mistake and feel bad about that. If only she could have waited until the kids were done school but she does what she wants when she wants and can't seem to stop no matter how I tell her to stop I don't want to deal with this now. I will now need to sit down with my D and tell her she defin. won't be going to the school she wants. I will not lie to her like my W wants me to and will tell her the truth. I will not give her platitudes like "Mommy just doesn't love daddy anymore" she deserves better than that. Until this is done, I don't care about phones or car loans or anything. She wants something from me she can wait or do it herself. I'm just too burned right now and need time to heal.
