Dealing with an ongoing affair

[sandi2]

I didn't respond. I didn't know what to say. So best not to say anything. I think my silence spoke volumes though.

Yes, I agree.

[PeterV2]

I was speaking to W today. She’s angry that I have the leisure and time to read and watch movies and think about life and work on myself. She claims she doesn’t have the time or freedom to do these activities. I know she watches a lot of YouTube movies and Netflix, but she says her mind it to overwhelmed to read, to knit or to think about self-work. She blames me for putting her in this position. I don’t accept the blame – I just acknowledge her feelings.
She asked me if I told my IC about her feelings of shame and dishonouring herself, and I said I did and that the IC is concerned about her. I may suggest to her today for her to contact the IC to set up a session. I think it would be a good time for her to start some therapy.
Then she came by the house this afternoon. I cooked her lunch while she marinated the steaks for tomorrow's BBQ I planned. Then she worked out and we did a few things around the house. We hugged for a full minute before she left. She said she may try to get the afternoon staff at the RH to do the night shift so she can come back home and cook me dinner. We're enjoying time together again but I still need a definitive answer that the A is over completely. She sais it was, but I think it's time to ask for proof. Open up her phone to me. I hate to put a damper on a potentially good evening, but I may have to look at the long term results and put off the short term pleasures.

[sandi2]

I know I just have a few words you give, but she seems very self centered. Has she said anything about how "you" have been affected by her actions?

She is feeling sorry for herself, very sorry, and wants to blame you for her misery. That's why she gets angry at you, don't you think?

I don"t see anything wrong with what you are doing. She made all these decisions and now she"s left the results.

[PeterV2]

Yeah Sandi. She still hasn't come to the point where she sees how I have been affected by her A. She is self-centered and has yet to see the wider picture. But I truly feel there has been a turning point. She wants to go away with me for a week. She said tonight that she wants that time to see if we want to continue our life together.
She also said tonight that after she goes to our MC by herself that we should then go together. I'm hoping out MC who has been seeing me throughout the past 5 months will be able to help her see the pain she has caused me. Hard to say because she tends to take control of the counselling sessions. But our MC has been trained in SBT and I've insisted that she utilize those strategies in out situation. She is willing and able to do that.
I had me call with my DB coach this morning and he said to continue on my course. Whatever I'm doing seems to be working. My W is a very intelligent and capable woman. She does see that she has made mistakes. We spoke today of transparency. I said I would delete the crap I wrote on my computer so that I can share my password again and I invited her to delete any old text messages, pictures or content on her phone so she can share her phone content with me so we can start a new relationship and leave our past mistakes behind us. She was open to that. So I think we're slowly moving to a better place. She said she doesn't want to live a life where she dwells on the past, with all the blame and anger. Yes, she gets angry at me for her misery. It's a process she's going through. I'll just be constant and committed to the process. Hoping she'll come to realize her erroneous thinking. She told me today that I'm a good man and that she only wants the best for me and that any criticism is not against me but against those people in my life who have not honoured the goodness that I have.

[sandi2]

The trip and time together may be for her to see if she feels any sparks left. Has she said how long it has been since last contact with OM?

Based on what I ve read on the board, I realize some WAW's will have sex with the H faster than others may. It probably depends upon her sexual drive and/or her LL, or she may see having sex as sealing the deal......IDK. Take things slowly and protect your heart.......and you probably need to use other "protection" as well. On the other hand, she may not even consider having sex at this point, but the way she used the physical touch (holding each other) and has mentioned it in her conversations, and the fact she is the one who suggested the trip.......you have to wonder, right?

Being self-centered is normal with a WAW, and I believe reaching that realization of the hurt and damage caused by her....is often times a process that requires some time, and her seeing her own faults. Blaming you is not taking ownership. It is an easier way out for her. And, not wanting to discuss it and trying to sweep it under the rug, is taking the easier way out.

You are at a critical point with her. Too many LBH'S are willing to "settle" for their W's anger/coldness (whatever) just to have them back in the MR again. When the LBH does not hold out until she has no other reason for returning to their home...except she wants to be with "him", then a happier, healthier, and more fulfilling reconciliation is possible....IMHO. Otherwise, you have an angry woman who has been dumped by OM (or the A failed to work) and she just wants the comfort of her own home. But she won't be emotionally "ready" to be the loving W to her H. She will be distant, moody, cold, self-centered, easily angered, and blame you for everything.

I believe there are some advantages to being separated while she's getting herself back together. Besides going to MC, the couple can use that time to "court" each other. It's an old fashion word, but it has an important purpose in a couple starting a new relationship. IMO, your W is trying to bypass important things and jumping into the middle.....by taking this trip together, instead of taking other steps that would ensure a better landing. But that's just my opinion. It seems she is more eager to get back into her house......even assuming or trying to tell you "when" she plans to move back. But maybe I don't have the full conversation.

It was a good step in the right direction when she gave her phone to you. (If that's the phone she used in the A, or if she is not deleting recent contacts.). Oh wait. I read your post wrong. You invited her to delete her stuff and you would do likewise with your computer......and share your password. Right? So, how are you going to post on DB without her seeing it?

Just remember, (and I keep saying this b/c of the WAW is so clever in turning it around) the act of transparency is on her. She was the one who had the A. She's the one who has to earn trust. I realize you can't demand to see her stuff and then refuse to show yours. You may have put yourself in a little bind here, unless you can figure out how to post on the board. That's the only thing you may not want revealed. But since you've told her you would give your password, it will cause problems if you go back on it. However, I think you should wait for her to make the first move about the phone/computer.

Whenever you make stipulations, her responses will be telling. If she has a problem doing whatever it takes for you to feel safe in the R, then you need to take it as a sign she's not really ready to reconcile.

Think it over now, before she comes home, to tell her what you want. She needs to know before coming back. I think she'll try to slide through the door, so be careful.

I am pulling for you! I think you may have a real chance here. I will be anxious to hear how things go.

[Pluto]

Just throwing this out there on the whole 'posting on DB' piece - most browsers offer a 'privacy mode' where it won't track history or save any login information... so if you're fine with not using a bookmark and keying in your login each visit... that might be one way to still keep up with us here.

[sandi2]

Oh good. Thanks for the tech help, Pluto!

[PeterV2]

She won't be even able to move back home until late June or early July due to the staffing situation at the RH, so we have plenty of time to get things on a stronger footing and sorted out between us before she moves home. We've already broached the subject of transparency and she has already suggested MC. So I think I just need to be strong, happy and stick to my guns.
Thanks for the help everyone, especially Sandi!

[PeterV2]

Interesting…
I had left the pamphlet HOW TO PERMANENTLY END THE AFFAIR by Suzie Johnston on my credenza. Attached to it were the 3 Dear John notes I composed.
I was away all day with my boys on a hike and W spent the day at our house. I came home and she had already left but I noticed that the pamphlet was not in the same position I left it. We spoke on the phone a couple of times today and there was no indication of upset. In fact I asked if she wanted to join me at the jazz club this evening and she said she would, but first she’s meeting some girlfriends.
Yesterday we talked a lot and I said I’ll be deleting the crap that I wrote on my computer and then she can have access to my computer again. I also invited her to delete all old text messages, photos and contact info off her phone so we can start a new slate with transparency. She didn’t protest but I think she’s processing that request. She also talked again of going away, just the two of us – to see if we really want to go forward in our relationship together. I told her that I know I do but if she needs still to determine that then that’s fine. All in good time. She also said she wants to go see our MC by herself at first and then with the two of us together.
The live-in staff person signed the employment contract yesterday to move in June 1st but with the stipulation that W stay at RH overnight for the month of just so she can feel comfortable and safe. So that sort of puts W’s move back home at July 1st. We could then go away for a week. Our 6th anniversary is on July 10th so maybe we could coordinate it with that date.
So things are looking good, but she’s still tentative. I just need to continue on my improvement path and be the best I can be.

[sandi2]

Tell me about the past couple of days.