WAW...Again, Part II

[Ggrass]

Well his story to me was:

" i was so upset because you were awful to me and we had a disagreement, I hoped in the car and needed up camped in the forest"

It's only now later I worked out the forest was such a close place to her. According to him she dropped in his lap the day we had our fight and I called over, it was a chance meeting and she was his one chance at happiness, I needed to step back, as I had my time and blew my one chance.

The fact he keeps lying is funny, each time I just chalk a line on the wall. Same as he thinks the place we live no one knows. Its out there. People know. they aren't as dumb as he thinks.

[stumps]

That, my friend, is some seriously flawed thinking.

I have some questions...

Why did this old GF just suddenly pop up out of nowhere and invite you to her place for a tryst?

What is going in her life that warrants this?

Why would you violate your vows for a few moments of pleasure?

I guess I wouldn't say she popped out of nowhere. We remained friends after our breakup and were still friends when I met W. Everything above board with W's full knowledge. W is still friends with a couple of guys she used to date, and it's never been a problem for either one of us. I certainly was never interested in anything more than friendship with the ex-gf and she never seemed to be either.

At any rate, she moved out of state about a year ago and I hadn't talked to her since a few months before the bomb drop, but apparently she heard about my and W's sitch from a friend that she and W have in common (I have talked to very few people about what's going on, but W has been talking to anyone and everyone that will listen, not sure if that's entirely relevant but seemed noteworthy). So ex-gf called me, and the short version is she said she had heard what was up and extended an unambiguous invite to come visit.

I actually didn't quite know what to say, so I essentially said what I wrote here...that I was pretty sure if I made the trip it would be the end of my marriage for sure and that's not where I was yet even if W is.

[labug]

What did you actually say to her (xgf)?

[stumps]

I had to laugh when I heard my W say... "I wasn't looking for XXXXX... It just happened..."

Oh? Really? It just happened that he came over to house how many times? You just happened to stop by his place? You know, the place 12 miles away from the house...

No. These are all decisions that the two of them made. Stumps made some decisions here or otherwise the offer never would have came. This offer didn't just happen.

Geez... I definitely see where you're coming from but... Feel like that's a little unfair. Or, in my particular case not quite accurate. As far as your question as to why I would even consider it... I guess because even with all the 180s/GALing, I'm still strongly feeling the absence of affection in my life, not even necessarily sex but the physicality that goes with it. And so when someone comes along and offers some--no matter how fleeting or shallow... It's difficult. That's all. It just conjures up tons of mixed feelings.

[stumps]

What did you actually say to her (xgf)?

Basically that it was nice hearing from her, her offer to have me come visit made me feel good, and I appreciated the invite but that if I accepted it would most likely kill any chance of saving my marriage, and saving my marriage was still my intent/plan/goal.

[stumps]

Either way I appreciate the reality check folks.

SOMEtimes I think DBing would be easier if W and I didn't live together. Certainly would be easier to detach.

Maybe I'm getting a taste of what W felt...apparently for years. Not getting what you want/need and wondering if you can find it elsewhere.

At least I can say this: W has remarked many times now that she is finally getting the relationship she always wanted. So if we run down the clock together and she still wants to leave, I feel fairly confident I did what I could with the time I had left to change things for the better...and I'll know what type of partner I want to be in the future.

It's difficult though... A lot of what I need/want in a relationship was still being given to me right up until the bomb drop. Then it all just went away.

[labug]

You hedge a lot. That may work for you but it makes it difficult to figure out what's really happening.

So when you said this "if I accepted it would most likely kill any chance of saving my marriage" it sounds like, "if my W wouldn't find out about it, I'd be there."

What did you really mean?

What are your values?

[stumps]

You hedge a lot. That may work for you but it makes it difficult to figure out what's really happening.

So when you said this "if I accepted it would most likely kill any chance of saving my marriage" it sounds like, "if my W wouldn't find out about it, I'd be there."

What did you really mean?

What are your values?

Hmmm, didn't think about it like that... I definitely didn't mean it like "if W wouldn't find out I'd go". I guess at the worst, really thinking about what I said, what I meant was "if I was certain that W and I were finished, I would come visit." Although to be honest, I'm not even sure that I would under those circumstances because I've never been much of a casual sex kind of guy, and there reasons the x-gf is an x-gf. I guess what it boils down to though is it felt good to be desired by someone.

My values? Well... I don't know how well I can judge myself. But I can say that I've had opportunities to cheat during this marriage (not sure if this is what you're getting at or not) and have never been interested. Flattered maybe, but I've never been that type of guy. And quite frankly, literally up until the day my W said she wanted a divorce our sex life was great. Never had a cause to stray or want to stray from that perspective. Now of course it's non-existant. But there wasn't a slow decline or anything. We went from bunnies to monks in a day. Actually talked to W about that. She said that despite how unhappy she was with the other aspects of the marriage, that part of it was always good so that's what she held on to as long as she could even as everything else was falling apart.

I guess as far as my values go, and what W and I have talked about is openness and honesty, and if you can't be open and honest about something then you have an answer to the questions like "is this right?" "Is this ok?" "should I do this?"

[Crimson]

You made the right call. I think you will feel pretty awful if you cross that line -- I can tell just by reading your posts. Plus, it's hard to imagine that the other person won't have SOME sort of expectations of you that you can't fulfill right now. I am speaking from a place I know...that's why I have called a bit of a moratorium on dating, but I digress.

Your feelings and need for contact, affection and connection are TOTALLY relatable. But I think you did (and are doing) the right thing.

Crimson

[stumps]

You made the right call. I think you will feel pretty awful if you cross that line -- I can tell just by reading your posts. Plus, it's hard to imagine that the other person won't have SOME sort of expectations of you that you can't fulfill right now. I am speaking from a place I know...that's why I have called a bit of a moratorium on dating, but I digress.

Your feelings and need for contact, affection and connection are TOTALLY relatable. But I think you did (and are doing) the right thing.

Crimson

Thanks... And 100% agree.