I read your post. I know it took a lot of guts to write all that. I too am in your situation. Thanks for being brave and telling your story. Here's my sich.
My H and I have been married 2 years and together 12 years. H does have a history of some infidelity with me but has been stable for 3-4 years...thus, we finally married.
Summer 02: I had a brief encounter with old boyfriend and H found out after it ended. 1st month after he found out was horrible. I did everything I could to ease his mind and help him through the tremendous pain. Went to C, constantly checking in with him, let him talk and vent anytime with open arms. He wanted to tell some of close friends and some family which we did. He told both mothers. I truly thought I would be the most hated person in the world. We got through this and our sich started to stabilize.
Summer 03 - Father becomes ill (cancer). My A is being brought up again. He starts to treat me terribly..out all night...drinking...interest in OW. He also hooks up with the bad influence friends he used to hang out with years ago. The situation becomes unbearable. He decides to tell everyone about my A and paints me as this horrible person. Friends and family begin to side with him and encourage his mistreatment of me. I had been seeing a C since the incident to try to overcome my sich, strengthen my R with H, and learn from the experience and how to never let it happen again. It didn't matter to him how much I did, he said he would never forgive me and treated me as if he hated me. He uses my A as justification for his actions towards me.
Oct 03 - I finally ask him to move out. I cannot bear anymore abuse. Father passes away late Oct. Even though our relationship is strained...I countinue to be there for him to talk to. I start practicing DB techniques. I find out that the OW is still in the picture and is being welcomed by friends and family. He gets his own apt in Nov. Threatens divorce constantly.
Xmas 03 - Very difficult for both of us. We begin talking more and spending more time together. I exchange presents with H and MIL. MIL has always been supportive of me as was FIL. BIL hates me after H told him the A as does his friends.
Mar 04 - The past 3 months talk much more, spend time together (intimate 1x a week). I continue to DB. He admits that his hatred is minimized. He Still doesn't trust me or forgive me but I remain a supportive friend to him. We are able to have long, heartfelt talks. I do not initiate calls or invitations to do things, just him. No ILY or R talks unless he initiates them. Unfortunately even with this, he still files for D. Says he isn't doing it out of hatred, but feels its the right thing to do. I find out that OW, whom I thought was gone, is very much in pic. They have exchanged ILY.
Today...I still practice DBing with H. I'm not fighting divorce. I state that I would have liked to give our M a chance but I will not fight him. His concern is still with A happening again, mistrust and reactions from his friends and some family towards us if we try to work it out. I am strong enough to face firing squad. I love my H, and still do. I decide to go "grey" not completley dark to let him see what he is missing. I try to maintain PMA. MIL and I talk several times during week, not too much about H, mostly to be supportive to her. He misses Dad terribly and seems so lost. Job is going terrible, may quit. As a result, may lose apt and move in with mother. He seems to be such a mess and wants no responsibility for anything. DB coach says MLC due to father's death. I try to ride the rollercoaster. I haven't given up hope. My hope is that at least our friendship may survive if nothing else. I forgive him for his actions and OW. It still hurts. I pray for strength to weather this storm. I will never forget FIL last talk with me. He said not to give up...it's always darkest before the dawn. He was a wise and wonderful man and I miss him.
