I have taken a little break from the boards while trying to figure out my life. The past couple weeks have been trying so I wanted to summarize what happened as I start on a new part of this journey.
Two weeks ago, we were eating dinner as a family. H's phone rang and it was the OW. H looked at me and said "oh looks its your best friend." H immediately apologized but the damage was already done. After the kids went to bed, we had a long discussion. H threatened to file for 50/50 custody if I changed our current schedule. H promised to never take his phone into our phone and/or be on his phone around me.
Past forward to Mother's Day. I had taken beautiful pictures of me and the boys. He sent the pictures to me for Mother's Day. For the first time in a long time, I felt like I mattered to my H. We went to dinner, H asked to stay and watch a tv show with me (this has not happened in over a year). We ML, which has been happening a lot more recently has be has shown more interest in me. We had a great night.
The following Tuesday morning, I woke up and looked at FB. OW posted a picture of her children that I knew H took (a mutual friend liked the picture which is how it showed on my news feed). H confirmed that he had also taken pictures of the OW's kids (H had also taken pictures of about 25 other families as he does photography as a side business). H swore up and down that he did not give them to her for Mother's Day. H said that they meant nothing. I told him that I was done with his $hit.
We had a discussion on Wednesday night and I told him that I was done with Family Day on Sundays. We are both going to get referrals for a child psychologist to help us determine a good parenting plan and to talk about how we should tell our kids (they still don't know he moved out 10 months ago).
I have an appointment on Tuesday with a L. I am not going to file, just want to see what I am facing and eliminate the fear of what my future may hold. H has been able to keep his fantasy world alive in the past because he would threaten me with custody. I am done being threatened.
H made it clear during the conversation that he likes his current life. He said that except for time with the kids, he is not losing out on anything else. I don't really believe anything that he says, good or bad because it is all so contradictory. He says that he wants me in his life, then in the next breath says that me not being in his life wont be a loss. He says that he does not want a divorce, but he is doing pretty much everything in his power to ensure that we will likely get one. He wants his cake and to eat it too. No more for me.
So I am starting a new chapter of this journey. It is going to be difficult. H and I had some really really good times recently. It is hard to give those times up, but it really just is not possible to improve our R while the OW is still in the picture. My H cant even see how his actions are hurtful. I think that he was sorry that I found out, but not sorry for doing it. I deserve better!
Thanks Bug! I am not sure what is the best thing for me All I know is that it hurt to let him back in and then for him to betray me again with his R with the OW. I also know that I am tired of living in fear...in fear that he will threaten to take more time with the kids away from me if I dont do what he wants.
I know that not having family day will be hard for the kids. And I hate taking that from them, but honestly my H has made chooses that now make it difficult for me to continue with family day.
We have a temporary plan in place. I told H that I needed time to think and to figure out how to move forward. I want to meet with my L to get her perspective on changes the parenting schedule and whether that it is my best interest. So I am time to take things slowly. No rash decisions for me.
Could you explain this "betray me again with his R with the OW" so I can understand exactly where you felt betrayed? I think I get it but I'm not sure if I'm on the same page.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
H gave me the pictures as my gift on Mother's Day. I felt like I was important to my H and he had done something special to make me happy. And then he did the same thing for the OW (although he claims it was not for Mother's Day). It also hurt more, because this was in my role as the mother of his kids and not just his wife/former best friend.
In addition to that pain, he did not really understand why I was hurt. He said that it was no big deal to him when he took the pictures and did not even think that maybe it would hurt me and/or take steps to avoid hurting me.
Thanks Jersey. I am so lucky to have the kids to motivate me to keep going and to act with CHD. I am hopeful that as the days and weeks pass, I will get used to this new reality and will continue to feel stronger and stronger.
3B.....I have a deep question for you. I ask that you really think about it before you throw a juice box at the computer monitor.
Are you mad at your husband for betraying you......Or are you truly mad at yourself for betraying yourself?
Think about it for a few minutes before you answer that question.
This is my experience the last time I threw the ex out. While I let the ex back into my life, it was very much the desire of my daughter to do so. More than anything, I went against my boundaries to make her happy. I did not respect my boundaries, enforce my boundaries, or follow through with them. Things fell apart rather quickly......but the honest truth is I wasn't to angry with the ex. In reality I was angry with myself for not following through with my boundaries and defining what I wanted in life. I let others define how I was going to live....and because of that people (mainly the kids) got hurt.
If I had enforced my boundaries.....The ex wouldn't have moved back in as easy. Her behavior, which I do not control, would have been easier to quantitative....and I would have done a better job protecting the kids and myself.
So did you really lose sight of your boundaries? Have expectations? Make assumptions?.....and is that truly what has made you angry?
I think LFW has a good point . . . I know that when I would have good times and ML with my H, I would feel much worse afterward when nothing changed. Your boundaries are there to protect you. Your H knows exactly what he needs to do, but refuses to do so. I think you are normally pretty good with enforcing your boundaries, but when you drop them (esp. to ML), it just shows him that you are still on his hook, and he can break you down.
Regardless, I think you are doing the absolute right thing here. You really do not need to play family with H anymore. I think it is creating expectations in you that you should not have, and it is allowing your H to gobble down cake to boot.
You WILL get stronger and stronger and you will get used to your new situation. It's not a situation anyone wants to get used to, but when you have no choice, well, you make it happen.
I think talking with the L and the child psych will be really good - the more info you have, the better.
Hang in there, you might not feel strong but we all know how strong you are!!
((boyz))
me: 44 XH: 42 M 11 years D10 and S8 Bomb drop 9/27/13 D final 7/1/14
Thanks LFW, Mel, Gabbysmom and Bug! I appreciate your words of wisdom. You are so right. I am very angry at myself for my inability to enforce my boundaries. My H shows interest in me and I drop them because I have been so desperate to keep my family together. I have been desperate to have my H pick me over the OW. Yuck...this is not a good place to be for myself and I need to get into a better mindset.
This is a new week. It is absolutely gorgeous out today and it makes me feel like a new start is possible. Yes, I let my boundaries down when I should not have. But I can start new today. Time to stop being angry at myself (and my H) and keep walking forward.
All I know is that it hurt to let him back in and then for him to betray me again with his R with the OW. I also know that I am tired of living in fear...in fear that he will threaten to take more time with the kids away from me if I dont do what he wants.