Hello, this is the first time I'm posting on this BB; I'm new to the DBing site. If you like, you can read about my background in Newcomers (Newcomer--Please Advise!).
Anyway, I am in a similar situation to many of you. I had a brief affair and spent too much money. When my H learned of the affair, he filed for D (May 2003). We were living in NYC together. I was forced to move in with my parents in WI. We haven't seen each other since May. We have spoken only occasionally; he is extremely verbally abusive; he not only thinks I am disloyal, dishonest and immoral, but he has said our marriage was always bad and that I have always been too demanding of him, unsupportive, lazy and selfish. I stopped the affair right before he learned about it (in our one and only MC session), but resumed it briefly when he told me he wanted a D. Stupid and desparate on my part.
Now we are 1000 miles apart, he wants nothing to do with me, he doesn't miss me, feels free, etc. He has also had a girlfriend since at least fall 2003. Now I know how devastated he must have felt. Since I ended the A, I have begged him to reconsider D, to go to counseling, etc. These "strategies" have only led to disaster.
We are near the end of negotiating the financial settlement. I, too, have wanted not to hurt him any further and have been reluctant to move forward with the agreement, because the D won't be far behind that. I want so much to let him know how sorry I am for everything and that I would never betray him (in any way) again. But it seems too late. Unlike my A, my H's A seems serious; they practically live together and they're going to Italy next month. He doesn't think it's an A, because he says I ended our marriage. Frankly, I am willing to forgive him; I don't want to be a hypocrite after all. Do you think there is anything I can do at all? Does anyone think there is any hope? He can't see any of my changes because we're so far apart and he certainly doesn't want to talk to me. In fact, we've never spoken in any substantive way about this or any of our marital problems. He completely blames me for everything and says he's not going to take it from me anymore.
