Upwards - Needing support, tough times ahead

[Upwards]

Well I've had a REALLY tough few days, been all over the place & lots of emotions have been brought up for me. I'm back in contact with H & it's been tough after being NC but I know I need to learn how to interact & communicate better so it's better if we have a low amount of contact.

He's ended things with OW as apparantly she's "too needy" and "wants more than he can give", he's apparantly disgusted at himself & regrets it deeply. A couple of days ago at work he was showing me some figures on his phone on a banking app & a notification for a dating site came up, awkward!!! That threw up some feelings & made me feel pretty crappy but not a lot I can do about it, I understand that he's exploring & in his mind he's a single man

I'm seriously questioning my "stand" at the moment, I don't want to put my life on hold for years whilst he figures his crap out, I want to be in a fulfilling & happy relationship and not married to a man who doesn't want to be my husband... I'm very confused, everyone around me is telling be to move on & go on some dates which a big part of me thinking 'why not' then another part wants my marriage to work but I can't do that alone. I'm only 29, I have my whole life ahead of me, maybe my H was only meant to be in my life until now

My H said he wants us to be together & happy, he knows that he will regret this in time & knows he'll probably come back to me but he feels the path for us as a couple right now is impossible & it's easier to walk away how sad that we both want the same but can't have it!!!

I've done a lot of work on myself during the last 9mths, I have build my confidence & love myself again, I feel much happier & although I have a long way to go I am on the right track. I have worked hard on a lot of my behaviours and fears & want to continue working on those to become a better person.

I felt good at the beginning of the week, now I feel all over - maybe it's hormonal. I woke this morning feeling anxious for the first time in a long time, not sure why as nothing has changed

Sorry for the rambling, typing as I'm thinking!!