Left Behind Newlywed

[Wonka]

Hiya, Pluto!

You asked about how to set up boundaries and I offer you to go visit Train's thread over in Infidelity forum for some pointers. It contains some really good nuts and bolts of boundary setting.

G'luck!

[sandi2]

You make a good point. If she is that disrespectful and bold as talk to OM in your presence, there is not a lot you can do without physically trying to end the call. When I use the term "call her out", I mean you tell her it is not okay. But if she continues, then you have to remove yourself. Which is exactly what you did. But call her hand on it, first, and then walk away. If you walk out without first saying something, it gives the wrong message. And if you try to physically stop the call, it could lead to worse things. If you try to intimidate her or threaten, it turns into a battle of wills. It sounds to me as if she's almost daring you to do anything. It is not worth her calling the police and claiming you were trying to get violent. That's not the way to handle it.

If I were the LBH in this type of stitch, and she did this behavior out of spite....then I would proceed with separating the finances and looking for another place to live. There is no reason for you to not leave or subject yourself to that treatment. Your actions, or lack of action, is a message to her. You don't have to file for D, but you don't have to put up with living under the same roof with her, either.

I am not so good with giving a person word for word to say. However, if you call hand on her disrespect, I would not mention how hurtful she is to you. Just tell her she is disrespectful and you won't tolerate it. But once you say it, then you have to be prepared to back it up by showing her (through your action) the results of her disrespect.

Once a woman truly looses respect, it is very difficult to turn things around.....but not totally impossible. You may have to do make some decisions that are not pleasant. Either that....or live with however she wants to treat you.

[Pluto]

Thanks Sandi, that helps.

I'm willing to make the tough decisions - I'd rather keep my dignity and self respect than become a doormat.

It looks like I don't have to find somewhere else to live, as she's indicated she'll be moving out at the end of the month. Even if she doesn't, she couldn't afford to live here on her own..

I think I did a better job staying calm and firm with her last night regarding changing the locks. Even though she got mad about it and made some threats about lawyers, she later calmed down and tried to make small talk with me.

She seems very confused and conflicted in her feelings towards me, moreso than ever.

[Thornton]

IMO, you staying calm and cool while faced with such adversity has her head spinning. I think you are onto something Pluto.

You have a long ways to go, but I think you found a chink in her armor. Stay the course!

[Pluto]

Real quick post this morning, it seems recently she's all but blocked me on facebook - all I can see from her now are old posts she tagged me in.

I feel like doing similar to her at this point would just be retaliation and so I'm going to 'act as if' and not react.

I do feel like taking down all our photos around the house - they're starting to become painful reminders of what was. I've also heard from a friend of mine who was a WAW previously that when her husband did that to her, it stung and was a bit of a wake up call.

I know you're not supposed to do things to control/get an expected result, but I do feel like this would be better for me than having to see all of our beautiful wedding photos around - especially with her seemingly on the verge of moving out... I'm crushed at the thought of this.

[Ggrass]

I would do it for you. I would find the reminder hard.
When my first marriage went south, that's what I did. Removed his pictures.

[owl777]

Stop FB. Don't give her satisfaction of seeing anything in your life. FB makes it so people don't communicate face to face and via conversations. It's a relationship killer and deceiver for a lot of people. It's been a wrecker for many relationships and jobs.

[Roberta]

I am sorry that your situation has come to this. However, there are very real strategies and concrete advice that a Divorce Busting coach could help you with. You are not married very long and there is much that can be done to get your marriage back on track. I strongly urge you to speak to a Divorce Busting coach.
Call me to discuss our program 303-444-7004.

[Pluto]

Thanks Roberta - I've actually been working with a coach since February and have felt it has helped me through some tough times and kept me focused on my goals.

We actually talked earlier today I believe, as I was booking my next session

[Wonka]

Sorry for the hijack, Pluto...it seems that the editing button is now back!!!!! And about time too!