Luvcats, He sounds confused and that filing for D will give him the power to hurt you as you have hurt him. It also allows him to take back his power. I don't think he really wants a divorce and is waffling. It's possible that if you go along with it while making it clear that you love him and accept responsibility for the A but will go thru with it if that's what he really wants he may change his mind. Let him know that you would prefer to remain married to him. I think he may change his tune. He is still angry and hurt but it is clear that he still loves you.
I tend to agree with snsouth. It's almost like he's trying to force you to "accept responsibility" or something. As far as the ML thing. After my W started to pull away and before I knew that she wanted a S our sex life started to fade away. I remember we ML one night and that was it until the bomb dropped. Some time after the bomb I said something about wishing that I knew that was the last time. I would have memorized everything about it. Well, about a week or so later guess what? We ML. Next thing I know I'm out the door and she's telling me that she doesn't miss me. I guess that was pity sex.
I guess I tell you that to say that not everyone views ML the same. I know men typically will want it no matter what the situation. I think that it's positive that he could put the A behind him enough to do that. That would be difficult for me at least at first. So it may be a positive but I wouldn't dwell on it too much.
Not that I have any idea what I'm talking about. Just my humble opinion.
My W and I see each other 1 - 2 times a week and ML at least one of the times. From my place (betrayed) it is always an amazing connection and reminds me of the intimacy that we share. I do have to let go of images of the OP but that hasn't been too difficult. I guess also since the end of the A was so recent, I am still on my best behavior, not wanting to push her back into it. Our sitches are a little different in that I want to get back together but am still not trusting the A is really over. Your H knows that it is over and no longer has to worry that you may start back up.....
Thank you for your input..I really need it! H and I went to the MC today..He talked alot(what I wanted) and reaffirmed how much I have hurt him..the betrayal, the trust etc..and I thought who am I to think he can put this all behind ??Now I think I am in fantasyland and I need to wake up and realize how angry and hurt he is. He said he would keep going to the MC as long as it was about us remaining friends not reconciling.(pretty harsh words for me to hear)He did bring up to MC about remaining intimate and he wanted us to stay close but we ran out of time.. This whole D is about control & power. My H even said he would never allow himself to be vulnerable again to be hurt like this.I told him he could have it all back..I am not fighting him on property and $$.WE live in CA were I could legally get half and he owns quite a bit of rentals & property. It would ruin him if I fought him..after all the pain I have caused him I couldn't do it.
He is still here all the time(spent the night last night)told the counselor he loves me..SO I guess I have to keep my head straight and say take it a day at a time??Help!!
Luvcats, As all the DBers say - PATIENCE - he loves you but he is still devastated by your affair. I don't think he will go through with the divorce. Again, from my perspective, showing remorse and responsibility for your actions will help. Affairs generally do happen when there is something lacking in the marriage but the person who has the affair has a choice in the actions they take. You need to let your H know that you made the wrong choice and you are sincerely sorry. I only hope someone takes a 2x4 to him so he can get over his anger and realize he is married to a beautiful, wonderful woman who loves him...
Quote: My H even said he would never allow himself to be vulnerable again to be hurt like this.
IMHO...this is a great place to focus your DB efforts...what actions can you take to assure him that he is "safe" with you? (I think your actions re. the settlement, etc, are a wonderful example!). Think big and small...things that would have helped me (not sure they apply to your sitch, though):
Hearing details from h about his day so I don't have to wonder what he's been up to
Having him share his thoughts and feelings with me re. the A...not saying drag it out of the garbage every three days but just knowing that he thought about his actions would have helped
Hearing how he planned to NOT EVER LET THIS HAPPEN AGAIN...that he understood the warning signs and had some plan to react differently
Opening up communication on all levels..in some ways, I'd like to hear what disatisfies my h currently...because then I wouldn't wonder if he was harboring issues
Ultimate patience with my healing...see my comment above re. pulling it out of the garbage every three days...but I'd still want to know that I could ask for help in healing without getting the "I can't believe you're still not over this".
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
Hello, this is the first time I'm posting on this BB; I'm new to the DBing site. If you like, you can read about my background in Newcomers (Newcomer--Please Advise!).
Anyway, I am in a similar situation to many of you. I had a brief affair and spent too much money. When my H learned of the affair, he filed for D (May 2003). We were living in NYC together. I was forced to move in with my parents in WI. We haven't seen each other since May. We have spoken only occasionally; he is extremely verbally abusive; he not only thinks I am disloyal, dishonest and immoral, but he has said our marriage was always bad and that I have always been too demanding of him, unsupportive, lazy and selfish. I stopped the affair right before he learned about it (in our one and only MC session), but resumed it briefly when he told me he wanted a D. Stupid and desparate on my part.
Now we are 1000 miles apart, he wants nothing to do with me, he doesn't miss me, feels free, etc. He has also had a girlfriend since at least fall 2003. Now I know how devastated he must have felt. Since I ended the A, I have begged him to reconsider D, to go to counseling, etc. These "strategies" have only led to disaster.
We are near the end of negotiating the financial settlement. I, too, have wanted not to hurt him any further and have been reluctant to move forward with the agreement, because the D won't be far behind that. I want so much to let him know how sorry I am for everything and that I would never betray him (in any way) again. But it seems too late. Unlike my A, my H's A seems serious; they practically live together and they're going to Italy next month. He doesn't think it's an A, because he says I ended our marriage. Frankly, I am willing to forgive him; I don't want to be a hypocrite after all. Do you think there is anything I can do at all? Does anyone think there is any hope? He can't see any of my changes because we're so far apart and he certainly doesn't want to talk to me. In fact, we've never spoken in any substantive way about this or any of our marital problems. He completely blames me for everything and says he's not going to take it from me anymore.
Thanks sage for the continuing wonderful advice..and Jemc you may want to start your own post?? My H and I have kids so we are in constant contact..With you being so far from him it is more challenging... Update..H is here all the time!! We ML again and he really hasn't brought up D thing..but I know it is still there and he keeps saying that is the path he will take.. I posted on Separated BB and got some great advice about the ML part..they all said YES!! keep the bedroom door open!! SO for right now we are going back to MC this week, I am not expecting miracles..but he does like his back rubbed everynight and he can't get that at the apt. now can he??
I read your post. I know it took a lot of guts to write all that. I too am in your situation. Thanks for being brave and telling your story. Here's my sich.
My H and I have been married 2 years and together 12 years. H does have a history of some infidelity with me but has been stable for 3-4 years...thus, we finally married.
Summer 02: I had a brief encounter with old boyfriend and H found out after it ended. 1st month after he found out was horrible. I did everything I could to ease his mind and help him through the tremendous pain. Went to C, constantly checking in with him, let him talk and vent anytime with open arms. He wanted to tell some of close friends and some family which we did. He told both mothers. I truly thought I would be the most hated person in the world. We got through this and our sich started to stabilize.
Summer 03 - Father becomes ill (cancer). My A is being brought up again. He starts to treat me terribly..out all night...drinking...interest in OW. He also hooks up with the bad influence friends he used to hang out with years ago. The situation becomes unbearable. He decides to tell everyone about my A and paints me as this horrible person. Friends and family begin to side with him and encourage his mistreatment of me. I had been seeing a C since the incident to try to overcome my sich, strengthen my R with H, and learn from the experience and how to never let it happen again. It didn't matter to him how much I did, he said he would never forgive me and treated me as if he hated me. He uses my A as justification for his actions towards me.
Oct 03 - I finally ask him to move out. I cannot bear anymore abuse. Father passes away late Oct. Even though our relationship is strained...I countinue to be there for him to talk to. I start practicing DB techniques. I find out that the OW is still in the picture and is being welcomed by friends and family. He gets his own apt in Nov. Threatens divorce constantly.
Xmas 03 - Very difficult for both of us. We begin talking more and spending more time together. I exchange presents with H and MIL. MIL has always been supportive of me as was FIL. BIL hates me after H told him the A as does his friends.
Mar 04 - The past 3 months talk much more, spend time together (intimate 1x a week). I continue to DB. He admits that his hatred is minimized. He Still doesn't trust me or forgive me but I remain a supportive friend to him. We are able to have long, heartfelt talks. I do not initiate calls or invitations to do things, just him. No ILY or R talks unless he initiates them. Unfortunately even with this, he still files for D. Says he isn't doing it out of hatred, but feels its the right thing to do. I find out that OW, whom I thought was gone, is very much in pic. They have exchanged ILY.
Today...I still practice DBing with H. I'm not fighting divorce. I state that I would have liked to give our M a chance but I will not fight him. His concern is still with A happening again, mistrust and reactions from his friends and some family towards us if we try to work it out. I am strong enough to face firing squad. I love my H, and still do. I decide to go "grey" not completley dark to let him see what he is missing. I try to maintain PMA. MIL and I talk several times during week, not too much about H, mostly to be supportive to her. He misses Dad terribly and seems so lost. Job is going terrible, may quit. As a result, may lose apt and move in with mother. He seems to be such a mess and wants no responsibility for anything. DB coach says MLC due to father's death. I try to ride the rollercoaster. I haven't given up hope. My hope is that at least our friendship may survive if nothing else. I forgive him for his actions and OW. It still hurts. I pray for strength to weather this storm. I will never forget FIL last talk with me. He said not to give up...it's always darkest before the dawn. He was a wise and wonderful man and I miss him.
