New here - H's MLC hit like a ton of bricks

[LiveNow]

Anyone online tonight with a few words of wisdom for me? ^^^^^^^^ I can't seem to look at my own writing objectively sometimes, and I can get into trouble!

[job]

I would not go into apologizing, etc. I would send this:

"To answer your question about using a mediator, it really does not matter to me. The end result will be the same."

[LiveNow]

Got it, and done. Thanks for the reply Job. I have apologized so many times for so much. I think it's time I stop and give him a chance to do some of that. (He did apologize for 'everything he has put me through these last several months, but not for the OW.) Meanwhile he is now pretty much AWOL - hasn't picked up his bills and has not cut the lawn. I am giving him another few days to show up and then I am hiring someone to do it. I figure he gets to just go out and do whatever he wants and I have been busting my butt trying to keep up with outside work. No more. SO tired of the craziness. Going on 1 year now since bomb drop - and 21st anniversary is 2 days after that. I truly feel sorry for him. He seems like he has not sorted anything out in his head at all. Just more replay...

[LiveNow]

Well, this is the closer the has come to actually doing something. He responded to my email with this: 'I will find a mediator in our area.' I was doing fairly well, for a while, but I feel like I am backtracking lately. It seems that all is lost. He has really stayed away and made himself scarce now. I think he finally has decided to actually go ahead with the D. Still has not shown up to cut the lawn - and it needs it now. A few more days and I will have to call someone to do it.

I really think it is over now for good. Am I just giving up too easily? How do I keep trying when we do not communicate at all now? I am so tired. Tired of feeling bad, and not knowing how, what, when. Have been GAL'ing myself silly for a year now but feel like I am spinning my wheels because I am still in our house, have another house and piece of property that will have to be sold, etc. One year and I am still here, while he carries on with OW and her 2 young kids whose father just left the home about a year ago too. Sad. Any pick-me-ups y'all can offer? I just feel very sad and 'defeated' I guess. I tried everything I could to save this marriage and it is like I was talking to a brick wall the entire time. Time to throw in the towel and start my life over again - at 51?? Just thinking about dating kind of makes me tired. So much effort for an introvert like me...And I am just very sad that what once was so good now no longer exists...

[TL72*]

HI LN
I'm sorry you're feeling down. We all definitely know the feeling. If it were me, i'd just call someone to mow it. That is you making your own decision and not letting him control it. Just my opinion though. Once my exH moved out, I would just take care of the house stuff or it wouldn't get done. Even after BD before he moved out, he was too focused on himself so it was up to me. You're going to backtrack once in awhile, we all do. Remember the basics, breathe, eat, sleep, take care of yourself. If you feel like you need AD then go see your doctor. I don't think you're giving up too easily, I felt that way too - but it's part of letting go. You have to detach and let go and give them the freedom. Holding on just hurts you and puts pressure on them. You can leave the door ajar. Look up a divorce support group in your town and attend - even if you're not divorced that's ok, they take break ups too - it helped me so much and getting in early is really helpful - there were others in there that had been going through divorce for years and years and said they wished they had gone sooner. It's usually only a seminar that lasts 6-10 weekly meetings. It really helped me get through the denial of it all and move through grief and get into acceptance. Take baby steps. you seem to feeling overwhelmed - write out your goals and then take small steps to achieve one of them. you know inside that you did all you could to save the marriage and that is worth it. none of this is your fault. Don't worry about dating again right now - it's better to take some time off and date yourself, learn more about you as a single person, a whole person. I know I'm not there yet, so I'll wait a year and see how I feel then. That's a personal decision and only you'll know when you're ready. I'm an introvert too, and it is hard to step out of your comfort zone. Just face your fears, list them in your journal and think of why it is a fear, what will happen if you face it, what's the worst that could happen. I had to talk myself into going to that divorce group meeting and told myself "what are you afraid of, they're not going to kill you" so I went. It was hard that first time. I cried and felt awful after but in reality it was just me releasing that and accepting what was happening to me. The 2nd meeting was easy, I had already faced that original fear. None of this is easy - we are finding our own strengths and it ends up being OUR journey. One we can control and we have to let the MLC'er go and do theirs. If they come around one day, great - then we can decide if we even want to deal with that - if not it won't matter anymore because we'll have already moved on. I hope I'm not rambling too much here - I just feel like we all go through such similar feelings and sharing different things might help someone else. Keep posting, keep your head up - we're here for you.

[Georgiabelle]

Good stuff as always from TL. Hang in there Live Now. You will have good days, bad days, and moments of wtf happened?

Keep the focus on you and your well being.

[LiveNow]

Thanks TL and Georgiabelle. I know I keep saying this, but I am so grateful for this forum. I would have been totally lost without it. I think it has helped me as much, or maybe more, than counseling!

TL, I attended a 13-week DivorceCare group last fall, when i was certain my H was on the verge of filing. I cried all the way home from the first meeting. Couldn't believe this was my reality. Went through the whole thing, and I learned alot, mostly how to be more comfortable 'telling all' in a group setting. That was big for me. And - big bonus here - there are 7 of us from that group that still get together regularly. We have become quite close, and thanks to texting, we are in constant contact with each other. Like this forum, they are so wonderfully supportive, day in and day out. Only 1 person and me are not yet divorced. I will be the last one, if that comes to pass. So I'm feeling a little between worlds lately.

Good ideas for the journal too, regarding the goals. Kind of sad - my H gave me the journal years ago because he thought it would be helpful for me, but I never could quite get into writing in it. Even stranger because I'm a writer! But, this is a good time to start. As far as the lawn goes - made 2 calls today. Of course, they are all overwhelmed with work due to the very delayed spring. Everyone's calling at once! Might be like pulling teeth trying to get them to call back. We'll see.

Had a rough couple of days, but had dinner with my aunt this evening. Feel quite a bit better. These dark days do pass and the sun comes out again eventually (literally - it's been raining cats and dogs here!). Looking forward to putting the umbrella away and getting out the sunglasses again. Thanks so much for taking the time to write TL and GB! I hope things are looking up for you, too, today.

[LiveNow]

^^^Ok, it's not LITERALLY raining cats and dogs -- but it sure has been raining!!! Ha.

[BrightFuture]

LiveNow, I can understand how you feel. I will be 2 years for me in another month and there have not been much communication with H. He doesn’t file, so I’m thinking that I need to do it myself just to get over it. I also have very little hope that he would eventually come around.
I have been taking care of the things in the house just fine so far. You can do it too. If you cannot cut the loan, hire somebody to do it. I’ve been cutting my loan sometimes when my son cannot come over to do it.

I wish we could get some rain here. It is very dry and hot and the brush fires are burning all around.

[LiveNow]

BF, I hope those fires are not too close to your house! I have been hearing about them on the news, I think.

Well, I finally called 4 landscaping companies about lawn cutting, and mulch delivery/installation. Getting 2 estimates currently. No sooner do I do that than H e-mails, saying he is (finally) coming Monday during the day to cut and fertilize the lawn. 'Bout time. It looks awful. Embarrassing. (I will not see him. I'll be at work.) Sad. This is another thing he was always so particular about - not anymore. Then he proceeds to say he needs to do some work on the outside of our vacation home. Why do I care?

Anyway, feeling more detached today, and feeling pretty ok. My counselor (who has spoken with H separately a few times) feels he might keep procrastinating for a while. I'm really thinking he's pretty much done doing that (it's almost a year) and will soon take some action (like he says). But, then again, over the past 6 or so years (when all this MLC began brewing) he has said 'I'm gonna...' about a zillion times, about a whole bunch of things, and never did any of them. <Sigh> Life goes on, with or without him. I do feel a little relieved, I have to admit, not walking on eggshells anymore, every day. That I can really FEEL now -- the difference.

Well, at least the lawn will be cut next week. I guess that's good, right? Still have to have mulch delivered and installed. I'm not doing 15 yards by myself! Happy weekend, everyone.