She left - 4

[gogofo]

Had dinner with the wife last night. Nice evening overall. We went back to her house and she played fashion show for me, but only after encouragement.

When she is going somewhere special she, like most people, picks out a couple of different outfits to decide what she should wear. I always called this "fashion show" and liked watching her model clothes. She probably never understood how I felt in the past about this, so I encouraged her to do it for me so I could help, she could narrow down what she wants to wear, and I could model my new behavior to her.

She modeled four different dresses for me and I never make comments until the end. When she was done I told her which dresses she looked the best in and also why. Instead of saying I like the green one and going on with my business, like I did in the past, I told her which dresses I liked the best with specific reasons why. Details like how the color compliments her skin tone, flattering shape, more of a "fun" style, more of a sophisticated "mod" style. I even went on to suggest she may even wear her hair straightened and curled under when wearing the 60's ish mod style dress. Kind of pull off the whole package, sleek and slimming dress with sleek hair.

I had made the conscience effort to describe exactly what I saw because like I said in the past she never heard these things from me. I assumed that saying "you look great" would be the same. Wow what a dumb assumption.

After fashion show we started to talk again and she just started talking about feelings and the relationship. I encouraged her to talk about how she felt. She said she hurt me worse than a bullet to the head.

A little background, in college she had a BF and when she was breaking off their R he called her to come over and talk to him. She stopped on the way at a gas station and he called her again and all she heard was gurgling and slurring. When she arrived he had shot himself in the head trying to commit suicide. The police arrived and told her she was lucky she stopped as a lot of similar situations end in a murder suicide. He later said he had shot himself on purpose to hurt her. She had a good childhood friend commit suicide 5 or 6 years earlier, he new this, and he wanted her to hurt like that again.

Anyways she said that the emotional pain she felt was worse than those previous situations. I encouraged her to tell me specifics why, and she did. She felt ridiculed and suffocated and felt like she lost who she was, she had no personal identity. Whenever she turned she did find herself anymore. She also talked about how she felt better and liked doing things herself and not having to take hours to talk with me to make decisions on silly stuff like wall colors, décor, etc. She felt smothered by motherhood and work and with us constantly doing things together. She had no personal time, neither of us did which was an issue with us. She said she also allowed this to happen, it wasn't just me forcing her to feel this way. We talked a while longer and I just took most of the time listening and comforting and supporting her. I thanked her for her bravery and openness with her feelings.

We never had these kind of talks before in our relationship and with my self improvements I am now able to hear what she is saying. In the past if/when she would have started talks like this I would feel threatened and hurt and try to argue with her or change her POV. We just stopped talking like this when things got tough. I think we had what John Gray refers to as "Venus Talks" in one of his books. I remember reading this early in the situation and wanting to do this in the R if I ever got a chance.

This morning I sent her an email again thanking her for being open and explaining how I need to hear how she felt hurt, etc. I also told her that after we talked I felt more close to her. I told her I would like to do these venus talks more often. We both said we need to find the balance between fun and emotion. If we let limerence drag us back together and only have fun we will end up in the same situation. If we have only emotional talks we will get overwhelmed and end up liking and understanding each other but not loving each other. She suggested we have fun and then maybe cry a little together at night. We are figuring more of this out as we go, but she seems fully involved and really trying, not just giving lip service.

She also said last night that when she said "I have an appointment with a lawyer tomorrow, give me a reason why I should take you back" it wasn't a metaphor, she really had a divorce appointment lined up. The way she said it is seemed metaphorical and not the truth, but I had wondered if she really did have an appointment. She said she was going to file because I seemed like I was happy and doing well. She figured why prolong it, I was happy and hadn't reached out to her so why not file. We talked about it a little bit and I said that maybe a part of you still loved me. She agreed and said she is working through the possible change from loving me to being in love with me.