Hang in there. You have had some good communication, esp the ML.
Quote: Yes,I have read several books on affairs...I fit alot of the criteria.I had a "life crises event"(my son) my H and didn't communicate well and stopped doing things together..I wish I would have seen the signs back then! I haven't posted in awhile because my H has been here everynight!(cuts into my computer time!) we have ML twice..What is happening here?? He tells me he wants a D last week and now he is relaxed.. Last night he did say he wants us to talk this week so I think he is moving forward with his plans.. I had a phone consul with Vernetta..She said he is like a bungee cord..He will get close to me then pull back for a few days..
Stay focused on you and keep using whatever DB techniques that work. Look for the small positive reactions. I know how you feel, my W is pushing me to sign and I don't want too. I know that I will have too soon. We had our talk this weekend and she admitted to the PA with her ex-bf. I didn't think a person could hurt as badly as I do right now.
Be patient and validate. I know it's the last thing you want to do but try. THe D will take a long time so there is still hope. Don't do anything that would cause a backslide. Try to stay positve and YOU will get through this. Stay focused and come here as much as you need for support!
__________________________________________________________ When I was in the middle of it, I couldn't see this. But, I can tell you that when my H came home, I realized it was still too soon, and that he should have stayed away longer. ___________________________________________________________
Why was it too soon? My W and I have been separated since December due to her having an EA for over a year and leading to a PA after our separation. I was the one who moved out as a LRT (although I didn't know it at the time). We had been together 16 years and have a D3. We spent the holidays separately and I have had very little contact except about our D who we are sharing custody. A month ago, W started dropping comments about wanting to rebuild our relationship and I said I am not going to spend any time with you until the A is over. She told me last week that she had ended it and now we are seeing each other. We had dinner on Thursday and again last night. I wound up spending the night. We are seeing each other again on Saturday to celebrate her birthday. She is saying we need to take it slow and I agreed. I need time to trust her and that the A is really over. My question is - how slow? How do you know when it's right to go back????? Thanks, SN
snsouth, How odd that I saw this post! I have been away from the BB for awhile, and I was just "checking up" on a few people while doing some other computer work. Guess I was meant to see this. Anyway- You have been through a lot, and I would recommend living apart until you make some headway in counseling. Find yourself a good SB Counselor, and take it from there. Then you will know if you are truly ready to try this again. I said what I did because it was (is) very difficult to be living together but not 100% sure of the future of the marriage. Even when you say you want to work it out, there is a lot of hard work to be done, and you may find yourself having lots of doubts. You're not in quite the same sitch as my H and I, as both of you are wanting to save your marriage. When my H moved back in, he still was not sure of what he wanted. It was more a matter of wanting to be with the kids. Even so, I recommend that you do take it slow, especially since this is what your wife wants. I really hope you will begin counseling. There is a reason that she did what she did, and you need to get to the bottom of that.
I don't know if I have said it on this thread...but I highly recommend the book "The 5 Love Languages" by Chapman. This, and the DB book (of course) helped me understand a lot of things.
I guess I don't want my wife to feel like I am totally there for her. She has hurt me deeply. She put her needs above her child's. But, I still love her and know that sometimes people make choices that are not always the best. I need to be absolutely sure that the A is over because I will not be yanked around anymore. I think the best thing to do right now is date each other. Date and keep it enjoyable because that's something we always did. One night a week we would get a babysitter and have alone time for us. In the last year I did many 180s: Making her feel special, listening to her, communicating how I felt, (trying) to be supportive about what she was going through. I think it worked because she still wants to make it work with us. I also think that I may have overdone it as she would says things like "you are seeing me through rose colored glasses" so I need to stop paying so much attention to her. That's a goal. Focus more on me and less on her. Focus on my daughter and less on her. I have to admit I gave up all of my power and independance after the bomb and am not going to give it up again - EVER. I know I'm rambling.....
Thank you Tpadad..Somedays I feel so strong that I can handle whatever is thrown at me and others I can cry at any moment..
My H is staying at his apt. tonight..we are having a big talk in the morning about finances. He was definitely edgy today and threw a few jabs at me.(comments about A)
I am agreeing to what ever he wants I cannot fight him. I want to diffuse the situation. I thought about wearing some lingerie??what do you think?Maybe that will change the mood? he has all those bad thoughts brewing right now and I have to turn it back to good thoughts..like I have said before..we are on the rollercoaster ride of emotions in this and we're stuck at the bottom right now..would someone start the ride again so we can go up!!
I have a question for all you veteran DBers..Is leaving cards or notes a no-no? the reason I ask is that my H's pride & ego are pretty hurt..After we ML last week I left a little card on his computer and he later said thank you..I didn't know if this would help or does the pride & ego repair have to come from within??help from any men out there on this...
Quote: I have a question for all you veteran DBers..Is leaving cards or notes a no-no? the reason I ask is that my H's pride & ego are pretty hurt..After we ML last week I left a little card on his computer and he later said thank you..I didn't know if this would help or does the pride & ego repair have to come from within??help from any men out there on this...
LC, I don't know if I'm objective enough to give you any valuable advice. The way I feel right now, if my W broke off the A and told me she wanted to work on the M I would be there in a New York minute. I would be flattered by a card or a simple note since I think that this might be my love language.
Your husband may be at a different place than I am. I am a very sensitive and emotional person so my love for my W appears to be stronger than my pride or ego. I started to give you my opinion about the lingerie thing but it's too soon for me. Sorry, can't keep from missing my W and the intimacy that we once shared. I'm sure some old timers here can help you with this.
Thanks for posting on my thread. Stop by anytime. Good luck.
I was on the receiving end of the most severe pain your husband is feeling. It was a Mid Life crisis (excuse) with a university secretary/professor-boss thing. Anyway, there is an ideal tool out there for you to look into for helping your situation and giving your husband a way to let out his pain in a manageable macho way.
It's a healing program to teach not only how to forgive life’s pains in disillusioned relationships, but how to communicate through the healing process without hurting the relationship beyond a point of no return.
It's a catholic sponsored program called Retrouvaille. I'm not catholic and actually rather anti catholic. However, it's the best darn thing for relationships since prepared frozen foods.
Look it up on the internet and speak to your husband about attending a weekend program and be prepared for an intense series of relationship re-building. I can't say much more about the weekend, however, just being able to communicate; that "I'm really sorry from both of you" may be the ticket.
Luvcats, As the betrayed whose wife wants me back I can offer you some advice. Your H needs to come to terms with what he is feeling. He may not be ready yet but there is a difference between being hurt and having your pride and ego damaged. Feeling hurt is something that needs to be processed but pride and ego get in the way. Your H just needs some time to process. In the meantime, anything you can do to reassure him that you love him and that it was a BIG mistake and it will NEVER happen again and that you take responsibility for your choices instead of blaming the relationship helps. This is my perspective - I'm not going home anytime soon until I can trust my W again. But the reassurance helps me with my trust issues and I do believe that in time I will be able to trust again. SN
Thank you so much suddenly & snsouth. .My H and I had our big talk this morning about finances..He has a proposed settlement..$$ is very important to him so I knew this was something he took along time to figure out. I felt he almost wants to give me more than I deserve.I agreed with everything and then he talked about his feelings a little more. He feels I do not deserve the title of his wife for what I have done.Also he said I have not taken responsibility for my actions.
.He said this is the path he has laid out to follow..he has said several times that maybe in the end after everything is written up he may not have it finalized(he has said that several times and I am not sure how to take it). SO of course I did try to change the mood and it did work (ML)..but I am not sure how to digest all this..he acts like he wants a D but yet wants to ML?????Help me with this!! I am doing the right thing here?? As for counseling..we are going to MC tommorrow ..he said he is just going to help me come out of denial..he is going for me..he doesn't think he needs any help.. He would never go to a workshop etc..I may have to start posting on surviving the big D..sigh
I'm sure some old timers here can help you with this.