Got home and wife refuses to talk about why she left D's event so suddenly. Says she'll explain later. Then comes to me and says she is going to go visit her dad out of state and take my D with her. (all smiles and sunny). I tell her no she's not because D doesn't want to go. She asks me how I know that and I tell her that she came to me and asked me to please get her to stop asking her to go and she asked her in front of me! (God's honest truth, I didn't know she was wanting her to go until my D told me). W says she only asked her once (I was in the room when she asked her 3 different times in last 2 days!) and I am influencing her against him (again, not true, I really don't need to as my D doesn't need me to).
W spends 30 min. in D's room trying to talk her into going and my poor D is crying and saying no! I try to join them when I hear them crying and W won't let me join saying it's "girl talk". They come out and W calls her father and says my D won't be going to dinner with them tonight but will tomorrow. Leave without telling me about trip to lawyer. Can't wait to hear why she went after telling me she wasn't going to go and during the one event that my D most wanted her to attend for her graduation.
At least I no longer will have trouble detaching from her. I doubt I'll want to be in the same room with her for any amount of time let alone care what she says or does. At this point I really don't like her very much and see her as a lying weak, valueless person who is so easily swayed by what her daddy thinks she will do whatever he says is best. I think it's time I get a lawyer myself and here I hadn't because she swore she hadn't and wasn't going to, I guess I really truly can't believe a word she says!
W admitted that she went to lawyer today. I reminded her that she said she wasn't going to do that 2 weeks ago, no comment. Told her at the same time she said that she was in no hurry and just want separation not D. She said she's still not in hurry but that she was just asking questions and get this.... This way she can answer my questions now! I told her I have no questions except why you lied to me. Love how she turned this around as her going not for her but for me! Classic! Than she says what she has said every time I have tried to talk to her for the last 3 years "I don't want to talk about this now I'm tired and want to sleep". I could try and talk to her at 4:00 in the afternoon and she would say the same thing! So, I laughed at that gem and told her at least I now know why her dad came down because it sure wasnt for my D and that it really bugs me that she couldn't even wait for the kids to get done school and went to bed.
So, as of now she is still trying to tell me what she wants me to do tomorrow since, once again, I am taking off work to take care of my D and get her to her grad, swim party after and late evening party just for 8th graders while my W refuses to take any time since she blew her time at lawyers. I'm done with her now folks. She is dead to me. No more giving her space and support because I vowed "for better or worse" and I never knew how bad worse could get until now.
When this started she said she knows she could always count on me loving her and taking care of her no matter what happened. She could gain 200 lbs or be disfigured in an accident and need lots of care and I would take care of her. It was what she loved most about me. Well, she can scratch that. I don't see myself crossing the street to urinate in her mouth if her teeth were on fire. I
LOL, i'm sorry to laugh Matt but that was quite a visual on your last statement. ew. Before my H moved out and after I read DB, we had zero R talks. I simply did my normal routine and did not bring it up. I did not start any conversations. I just let him talk when he wanted to and he did talk but it was never about us.I smiled and stayed positive and GAL. He was simply done and I let him go. That's what he wanted, it didn't matter what I wanted and it only pressured him if I said anything about that. I came home every day to a house that was full of anger or moodiness.I never knew what it would be like that night so I just kept the peace, we had no fighting at all and I stopped doing things for him other than making dinner and doing laundry. I started living my life as if he would never come back and he probably never will. What i'm getting at is that if you're "done" with her - let her go. If she wants to file, just stand aside and let her do the work. If she wants to move out, good - it will give you the space and time to heal. When I got my dissolution papers I simply read them and pointed out the changes (he was willing to do anything just to divorce me since i'm apparently the cause of every bad thing that has ever happened in this world) so he had the changes made and I had them reviewed by a lawyer and signed them on the spot. God knows I did not want this divorce, I did not want him to move out but after reading all the sitches here I know I'm lucky he left. I still hope one day he'll come through this, I still love him, but until then - it is so nice to come home and not have to deal with his moods or outbursts or tantrums or snoring, the list goes on and on. At the time of course I would have put up with anything if he'd stay, but now ... not so much. You'll grow stronger and in your own time you'll one day drop the rope and let it run its course. She'll always be part of your life - but right now take care of you and your D.
Me - 42 exH - 56 Married 10.5 years Together 17 bomb dropped 1/6/14 signed papers 2/4/14 H moved out 2/22/14 D final 4/4/14 Dropped the rope 5/17/14 2 cats, 2 dogs
Thanks TL. I'm really impressed by your progress. I'm sitting here alone once again at my daughters end of year program. I'm the only dad who is alone every year because my W doesn't care enough to take the time off. She can take the time for lawyer but not this! She stopped coming when MLC started and I still don't know why I even care since its so obvious her values no longer match mine. I think it's that and the total selfishness that get me most. I've been married 20 years, together 25 and I just can't believe this stranger is the same person!
You're right about her leaving and giving me the freedom although the little time she spends with the kids and me already it won't be that different. I thought about it and I really think if it wasn't for the kids and that she is their mother I wouldn't care if she left, D me, whatever.
You gotta re-frame this. You're going to drive yourself nuts. I did, I even gave myself a bleeding ulcer.
Stop expecting rationality from a temporarily (hopefully) irrational person. Stop viewing, thinking and doing the same things expecting different results.
And please try to stop the forward viewing of who she WILL be...you dont know that. I will tell you from my experience, my W has slowly been re-integrating many of her pre-MLC good qualities and values. She's still different, and hopefully is resolving her issues, figuring out what she wants her life to like going forward. I don't know if I will be part of that life, or even want to be, but she is stabilizing, which is good for the kids.
This is 3 years out since she started hardcore replay/anger stage phase 2 in earnest. She has to process all her crap and decide what to do Matt. Best thing to do is stay out of the way, do NOT argue with her. She will see it as YOU being a judgmental, controlling, A$$hat.
How do I know this? That is what W called me more than a few times before I truly internalized, and ACCEPTED, that this was happening. And figured out how to get MY EGO reined in and under MY control.
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
Thanks cat and T2, I guess my next step is to really understand that I can't trust anything W says so I need to protect my D's and myself and lawyer up. Hate to do that but now that I know going to L was more important than my D's once in a lifetime event that has been planned for a year, she knew the day and time but dumped it for something she could have done any time. My guess is her dad being here and going with her was why she chose the day. Once again, her dad gets involved and everything but her leaving goes out the window.
I know he has been pushing her to go and she let him call the tune once again! The bad thing is since she went she's been in a better mood than she has in months. All nice (overly so) and wanting to interact with me when all I want to do is be as far from her as possible! Just goes to show she will want exactly the opposite of what she precives I want from her.
I also now have it made extremely clear that I can't trust a word she says and can't count on her to keep a single promise. Have to go!
Like I said earlier though, SHE is still making those choices...
The reasons why she is making them could come from a variety of places, and if MLC holds true ?
Then I would assume that it isn't your FIL that is telling her to make them, as much as it is that just the mere presence of him is influencing those choices...
Something that might help you right now...
Try to stop thinking in terms of her being your wife, because right now ? She really isn't the person that you have known in the past....
Try to stop expecting her to make different choices, when clearly, she hasn't shown anything different that not wanting to be in the relationship...
Seldom does one have a rational conversation with an irrational person....
Matt....
You are still very early into this process. What you have seen so far is just the tip of the Iceberg.
It WILL get much uglier, before it can become pretty again...
Thanks Mach, you're right about burning myself out. I guess I thought since she was the one who wanted to "talk" 2 weeks ago and she started with not having been to lawyer and no plans to do so, I really didn't think she could lie so boldly or even want to. What is she gaining by ditching our D at an important moment in her life? What does she gain by lying about the lawyer? I guess she just wouldn't have told me she went if she didn't need to explain why she bugged out of event?
D told me today that she accused me of trying to influence her to not wanting to go to see her father. She said she told her that I never have and that she came to me because she didn't think she would listen. By the way, 10 min. before the end my W and FIL showed up at D's grad. I had to shake his hand but thankfully we were in public and I didn't have to talk to him. After, I took pictures with my D and she wanted to see her mom but when we tried to find her she had left without saying good-bye. I texted to try and find her and she said it was too crowded so she just left. The only parent who did but that's par for the course.
Once again I'm going out to lunch with all the parents and kids in her class (there are only 8 of them) and once again I'm the only dad alone. You're right, I need to stop burning over this or I'll burn myself out. My W wants her father to be a good person so bad and will hate me the more I let her know I think he is a scum bag. I think she throws him in my face hoping I'll react. She is so like a teenager who is rebelling from her parent when she is around him but I'm the parent and he is like the guy who she wants to run away with! I need to look at and deal with her this way and I'll be much better off.
The good part of this is that I now know for certain that I can't believe a word she says so I no longer will trust anything she says. Good to know but hard to deal with!
