Help please

[Maybell]

Since I found out he'd been in contact with the OW during our separation I have declined to speak to him. The evening of the day I found out he asked if I wanted to talk about it and I said no. I had an IC appt for the next morning and wanted to talk to our counselor before I would consider talking to him. Then counselor recommended as above.

Four times before I called the attorney I asked my husband if there was any reason I shouldn't. I asked four times because the first three times he responded as though I had asked a different question; the fourth time I said that his responses told me that he wanted a divorce and that I would go ahead and start that process.

So after I called the attorney I sent my husband a very matter-of-fact email saying when my appointment was, that I didn't want to talk to him, and stating some boundaries about living arrangements and the kids. I reiterated that we couldn't make a productive effort of reconciling if he was still wrapped up in the OW and said that I was done tolerating that. Then I went dark. He called the kids that evening (11, 8, 6) and asked to speak to me at the end. I asked him if he wanted to talk to me and he said he felt like he ought to touch base with me but really didn't have anything to say. So I ended the conversation. He has apologized several times, though he's been apologizing continuously since July and I don't feel convinced he really is apologizing for the affair ("inappropriate relationship" in his words).

Yesterday I texted him that I didn't want to talk to him but if he wanted to talk then I would listen. I did that because I've been throwing so many words at him over the last several months and saying I was ready to listen (which I truly am) is a 180 for me. He answered promptly to let me know he wasn't ignoring me but that he couldn't chat right then. Later he texted me that he didn't know what to say. I said we should leave it at that for now. He apologized again and I said "I hear you," he thanked me and said that was the best he could hope for. I said "I do want to hear you." He acknowledged he'd done a lot of things to hurt me and that my wanting to hear him was more than he had a right to expect. I told him I was going to end the conversation there because we weren't going to be productive at that moment, but repeated that I wanted to hear him and that if he wanted to talk I would listen. He thanked me and that was the end of that.

I read more of DR last night and I feel like it's sinking in in layers. Like I think I get it but I only get it to a point and then I have to reread and absorb a little more in order to really get it into my outlook on life. I have one good friend here who has been hearing the whole story since October and she's been tremendously helpful and supportive. She told me about a month ago that I needed to get back in touch with my sense of self-worth, so that's what I've been mostly working on in IC. I'm starting to believe that whether or not my M survives (or should I say, revives? reincarnated?) that I do have a right to be cherished and happy and that my actions should reflect that. This also is a 180 for me, though it doesn't directly apply to my interactions with my husband.

It's amazing how much it helps to get this all out there to people who are living through this pain to, even though I haven't had any responses yet. I'm terribly worried that this divorce will actually happen, but not because I'm afraid to live AFTER it; mostly because I so don't want to live THROUGH it, worried about each of my kids, worried about the friendships that won't survive, the pain we will be causing our families and friends, and the loss of someone who has been my best and longest-standing friend.

Thanks so much for listening.