Thanks all for the advice re: whether to mention to H that D keeps mentioning that he is coming back in 4 months. I will not share that with him now. If she mentions it again, I'll tell her that she should talk to Daddy about it.
25 - Thank you for your insightful post. I have answers to some and need to keep thinking on some.
Originally Posted By: 25yearsmlc
Not so random--Question: What's his r with his mother, like?
H is pretty close to his mom. We spent lots of time with his mom, stepdad, and younger brother and sister when we lived in his home state (for 8 years). When he was younger, they did have some difficulty. After a particular incident when he was 15/16, his mom sent him 1,000 miles away to live with his dad, who had really been a minimal part of his life up to that point. I know that my H felt abandoned/cast aside by that. Interestingly, H and I had a long talk about our childhoods not long after he moved out. We have some definite parallels. When we were talking about our uninvolved parents (my mom, his dad), he mentioned how lucky I was to have my dad. He went on to say that my dad was different than his mom. He said that his mom wasn't around a whole lot when he was a kid, until she got remarried and that she wasn't as nurturing as my dad was. If I had to guess, I would say that his mom wasn't around a whole lot because she was working all the time trying to make ends meet. She worked as a waitress and H's dad paid no child support (though he could definitely afford it). Of course, as a 5, 6, 7 year old child, all H would have seen was that neither of his parents were there.
Originally Posted By: 25yearsmlc
Sooo, back to your Mystery Sparks...
What are your GAL activities? I'm asking for a reason.
Are any of the GAL you are doing/planning, NOT about being a parent or in a group of moms? See where I"m going with this??
I think I see where you're going. If I'm around other people-OM's-even if I'm not interested in dating them, it helps H see that there is a possibility that I will move on and not be there waiting for him; it creates competition. I was thinking of signing up for a kickboxing class, but have been too chicken (I'm SOOO afraid of it). I think that is probably a good GAL activity for me. I need to think about this some more. I live in the suburbs of a very large metropolitan area, so there is no "nothing to do" excuse available for me.
Originally Posted By: 25yearsmlc
In your case, what I am hearing is your h cares for you in a deep friendship type of way, but that's not marriage material unless both parties agree. That's not the case here. He needs to worry about losing you, which would come about either by you being distant with him, (which can be seen as punitive, Unless it's pulled off well w/PMA), AND OR by the attention of OM...or the idea of it, sinking in...
Make sense?
Yup, definitely makes sense. He thinks (he!!, I've told him) that I'm here waiting for him to figure his stuff out. Right now, he has no fear of losing me. This does confuse me about whether or not I should try to maintain the friendship with him that he wants. First, I value his friendship. Truly. It is so hard for me not to call him with all the silly, trivial, little stuff of my day (both good and bad). Second, my H has felt abandoned repeatedly in his life (dad repeatedly, mom not present, mom sent him away). I have no interest in being yet another person who abandons him. I know that he's hurting. I also know that it isn't my job to fix him. I'm not trying to fix him. I just don't know how not to be there for him when he needs me. On the other hand, I wonder if being his friends prevents him from feeling any sign of loss and is, therefore, counterproductive to my goal.
Originally Posted By: 25yearsmlc
So, What are his Love Languages? If you are not familiar with it, there is a book about how we each GIVE love and how we each RECEIVE love, which are often not the same. I may show love by giving compliments, but do not take words of affirmation well...or don't "really hear" them, etc. Perhaps I really want time with someone, attention from them, so my "love language would be "quality time"... So I think the book "Five Love Languages" is well worth reading and reflecting upon (skimming it makes it seem obvious and superficial, but it's more subtle /complex than that. Besides, once you use those tools, you can improve the r you have with your h, regardless of his later choices...)
I wonder if your h wants to receive love in a way he does not give it...??
I actually just bought this book last week and haven't read it yet. I'll move it to the top of the stack. H has taken the quiz, so I know that his primary LL for receiving love are words of affirmation and quality time. I'm guessing here, but I think he gives love through words of affirmation and gifts. I'm good at neither giving nor receiving words of affirmation...It has been one of my 180's. I think because his primary LL is WOA, any time I was critical was doubly bad. Does that make sense? It really is no wonder that there is distance in our M. Both of us have quality time as our second LL (with a very close score to our primary) and we were really spending very little time together, other than as parents.
Originally Posted By: 25yearsmlc
Hang in there, and remember, 1) You can turn your pain/marriage over to God for awhile, and let Him carry the load, so you can
2) Get SPARKS & MYSTERY (mystery itself tends to create a lot of sparks...)
b/c you're not just the mother of his child.
You are a DESIRABLE WOMAN, whom HE once fell in love with....hey, what was SHE like?
Thank you for the reminder, 25. I'm trying to find her again. And I'm praying, a lot.
No change to report with H. He did come over last night to tuck D7 in. He immediately walked into the kitchen and opened a jar of olives from my fridge. Then, he started talking about my leftover pizza (my favorite vegetarian pizza). There was too much leftover for me to eat, so I told him he could have some (what are friends for, right?). It's just a bit odd to me that he still thinks it is ok to start taking things out of the kitchen as if he still lives here.
I talked to a DB coach for the first time today and I do recommend it. She reinforced a lot of what we read here (don't pursue, no R talk, VALIDATE, VALIDATE, VALIDATE. She has encouraged me to work toward maintaining/developing the friendship that H wants because she said that would be a very good building block for R. She gave me some homework to try to put myself in H's place so that I can really develop empathy for him in more than just a superficial way. I'm looking forward to the next session.
After that, I went shopping for accent furniture and decorative items for the family room. My new couch will be delivered Friday. I bought pillows, a cocktail ottoman, and accent tables. I'm really excited about having that room furnished again. Since it has been empty, it has been a constant reminder that H is not here. I think it will be good for me to have my home feeling home-y again
My H does that too lol, straight into the fridge & cupboards!
Glad the DB Coach has helped you - I think the empathy part is very important as when you begin to understand his feelings & emotions a little better it will make it easier to not take things so personally. When is your next session?
Divorce Final: Oct 2014
Your struggles today, develop strength for tomorrow...
My H does that too lol, straight into the fridge & cupboards!
He does this almost every time he's here. There are other things, too. One day, he went into the laundry room and took laundry detergent (I stock up when it is on sale). He was out the house last Saturday. He was keeping D7 for me so I could go to a women's event at church. Apparently, he took a shower while he was here. I noticed a wet towel hanging over the shower door. Then, last night, I washed a load of laundry and noticed that he left me his dirty clothes, too.
Originally Posted By: Upwards
When is your next session?
She recommended that I call back in 7-10 days to schedule another appointment.
I accepted H's invitation to hang out "as friends" tonight on the advice of my DB coach. It was odd. D7 had a school performance this evening, so we were both there for that. After the program, I was talking to my sister while we were waiting for D7 to be released. I didn't notice that someone was trying to get by me, and H reached over and put his arm around my waist and his hand on my hip to urge me out of the way. It's something he's done countless times before. I know it doesn't sound like a lot, but I miss those familiar gestures.
When we left, H took D7 to his apartment to shower and I went to pick up dinner. We all ate together and then put D7 to bed. I stayed to watch one episode of the show we are trying to catch up on. We talked some during the show, but it felt a little stilted. As soon as it was over, I grabbed my purse and said goodbye. Maybe if I can just be patient through the odd-feeling transition period, it will start to feel normal.
My mom was in town for the weekend. I had a good time with her, despite her suggestion that we wear disguises and stake out H's apartment complex to see if there was anything suspicious going on. I think she was mostly kidding. Furniture for my family room was delivered Friday. It is so nice to have the room furnished again, instead of sitting empty waiting for H to come back. H came to my sister's house to pick up D7 after my mom left today. I left at the same time he did and asked if he could come pick up a TV if I bought one today (he has a truck). He asked if I would mind if he went shopping for it with me. Since I have no idea what I would be looking for, I said yes. He helped me pick one out and then brought it back to my house and set it up for me. D7 is very excited about it. We went out to dinner together. Having D7 there made it feel less awkward than our "friend" night last week.
A couple of things that are making me feel kind of off tonight. I called H on our way to the house after buying the TV and he answered the phone, "Hey, Babe." This is not the first time he's done that since he told me that he definitely wanted a D and it didn't bother me, until he stopped himself and said, "Is it OK if I still call you Babe? It's habit." I'm trying to figure out why his question/explanation bothered me so much. After that, I was literally fighting tears until I got home. Maybe it is because he felt awkward calling me something he's called me every day for years. Later, I went to H's apartment to tuck D7 in. I'd forgotten something I was supposed to bring in the car, so he followed me out. As we were walking, this exchange took place,
H: Today was a fun day.
Me: Yeah, it was.
H: How are you doing?
Me: What do you mean?
H: I think you know what I mean.
Me: I don't think you want to know the answer to that question.
H: I do.
Me: If you are looking for me to say that I'm fine and I've had a realization that this is great, it isn't happening.
H: I just want to make sure you're ok.
Me: I'm ok.
So, I'm mad at myself. I shouldn't have said anything. I know that. At the same time, WTF was he thinking asking that question? What kind of answer was he hoping for? It feels like he was looking for something to ease his guilt.
