PamelaC / Luvcats08, If I did it right, above is a link to my story. As you can see, my W and I are separated so we have limited contact these days. This makes it very difficult to meet any of her needs. I've made a point of not initiating any contact with her. I only call the house when she has my sons and I want to tell them goodnight.
A friend of ours told me that she did seem agitated when she thought that I had a date for Valentine's. It didn't stop her from going out with OM. In fact, she brought him with her to pick up the kids at her parents house. How can I compete with someone that has the luxury of "new love" when I can't even communicate with her? I want to hold on and continue to hope but it is soo hard sometimes.
I know that you didn't come her to give advice to all of us left behinds but from your perspective is there anything that I can do or not do to improve my situation? I fear that she is too far gone to even remember that we were ever married. BTW, today is our 19th anniversary and I have a hunch that she will be spending the day with him since the kids are out of school and she's taking them to Disney. I'm sure that OM and his kid will be going with them. Just a wonderful day all around.
luvcats, stay focused on your sitch. Keep working on you and make yourself happy. It seems if unhappiness the cause of your A then figure out what made you unhappy and work on that so this doesn't happen again. Read Michele's books and post her often. I would also suggest posting on the newcomers board just because there's more traffic there.
I have a couple of questions for you about your A if you don't mind. I too just recently found out that my W is seeing her ex-bf. This has totally devastated me. She knows that I am aware of this now but has not admitted it. We are suppose to get together this sunday to discuss it. She has offered to answer any questions I have. She has already filed for the D and signed her papers and wants me to sign too. I'm avoiding that right now. You can see my thread on the new comers board: NoD: New and seeking opinions Part 2
My question is why your ex-bf? How long did you two date? Who initiated the contact? How long did it last? My W dated her ex-bf for about 4 years before we started dating. They broke up because he started seeing someone else. She started dating as well. They would get together once in awhile. He then got a job out of state and she was really upset that he didn't ask her to go with her. So, thus their relationship ended. THis 1995. We started dating about 3 months or so after they broke up. 1999, he came into town to visit and they got together. I confronted her about this but she said that they just went out to have a few beers but she lied when I first asked her about it. She hasn't talked to him for a long time but as soon as they did all of the real problems between us started. She moved out and filed. To make matters worse, she has only complained about him for the last nine years about how badly he treated her and how he used to verbally abuse her and she told me that he has hit her in the past. I don't get it?
Sorry this is so long, but I really hoping to get some insight from your A with your ex-bf so maybe I can better understand my W's.
Wow! my wife is at her old boyfriends house right now. She is painting his little girls room. She says nothing is going on but I don't buy it. In Oct. she told me she was emotionally attatched to him and not me. She has also changed the way she looks and has bought new clothes. The funny thing is that she was to go over there last weekend and then Sunday. She didn't feel well so she didn't go. When you have an affair, do you try to sneak away often or is once or twice a month good enough? I don't trust her relationship with OM and I don't believe she is telling me the truth. I know is really confussed. She too has been unhappy but she was unhappy before we met. Now I get blamed for it. I am waiting patiently to see what happens. She wants to seperate for a while so she can work on being strong. She does not know if we can be together but she says she would want more than anything in the world. It just hurts too much to think about. I try to not think about it but it just doesn't work. Is she having a hard time picking? Why has she not left? Does this other man want her. She read my journal the other day and asked, "why do you get so mad when I go and paint at OM house?" She then said that "I thought OM was going to take her away from me and that was not the case." Is there something going on or not? How do I know? I guess I just need to wait until she figure what she wants. Now she is beginning to worry about the children. In October she said they would be fine. WTF! I start to believe her that nothing is going on and then I think, "what am I crazy?"
I wish I believed what WAW says. See tonights post under 180 for tonights thought. I know there is no trust or belief between us right and I don't know how to get that back, besides trying to be trusting and honest and right now I don't believe her. I know she has been reading my journal and email. But I try (though I confess for some morbid reason I need bad news) not to do anything to violate trust, though she does not know. No looking at email, her phone, her phone bill, internet history, asking where she is or what she is doing. Let her go.
To NoD..I understand why you are confused about your W behavior,why would she want to be with this guy who sounds like a jerk? Well it is easy to fall into past relationships..especially if there was not closure the first time..and also if this guy is calling her, sucking her into his life.Your W must have some unhappiness and is hoping this guy can fill it.It is a vicious, no-win cycle. There must still be some attraction..Good Luck.
tpaDad..I wanted to address some of the things you asked and I did read you stich. When did you notice a change in your wifes behavior? That was when she started her affair..She could have even just been mentally in it.People in affairs daydream alot that this OP is so great and their spouse doesn't have these qualities blah,blah Do you see ,you brainwash yourself to think this is your ticket to happiness. I thought it noble that you seemed to put alot of the blame on yourself(that you weren't around etc.) but do not beat yourself up! AS for my affair(or shall I say nightmare)we did live together ,split up and then i met my H. So when he called me 10 yrs later to "chat" I didn't think it was a big deal.Wow..I didn't see the train wreak that was to occur! We were friends for a year and then it all changed. I became very distant from my H and he wasn't sure what to make of it.He kept hanging in there thinking things would get better.Anyway to make a long story short now he said we are having a serious talk tommorrow morning and I think the big D is coming.. AS for your W saying she loves this OM she is in LaLa land right now and not in reality at all..
I can't remember if I relate this in my story but I first became aware of trouble back in Sept03. W had invited a couple of women from work to Disney while we were there and she also invited OM and his son since they had never been. Well, the two ladies never showed and OM stuck around all day - until after midnight. That's when I got nervous.
It was after that that I noticed things weren't right. She was becoming more and more distant. Just a few months earlier she was all over me telling me that she was feeling needy and needed some reassurance. I responded willingly and told her constantly that I loved her.
My W is bringing OM around my two sons already and I think that it is too soon. She doesn't care about anyone but herself right now. I'm going to contact a lawyer to make sure that I'm protected and I'm thinking about moving back into the house and telling her she can either stay or she can take over the apt. I've allowed her to manipulate me for the past five months and allowed her to make me feel like it was all my fault. It's time for her to be knocked out of her comfort zone. I don't think I have any choice.
For the record, I still love my wife. I just don't know who this woman is that is living in her body right now. Thanks for the insight. She may be in LaLa Land but it's time for her to wake up.
Luvcats...sorry that you find yourself here on the boards...I admire your willingness to be unfront with your infidelity and also your wilingness to help some of us (the BSes) understand a bit more.
She had an affair (hmmm...an EA? Can't remember) and struggled to regain her h's trust. He was adamant about wanting a D.
Anyway...I'll flip to the last slide...thru hard work on both sides and awesome DB'ing they have reunited and are TRULY, TRULY a success story. You may find some insights and suggestions in her thread.
Best of luck...and please remember (I know you will) that if h suggests a D it's very likely his way of ending the pain that he feels...what he may not know right now is that it WON'T...only time and hard work will do that...but for him, it may seem like the only or best way out. Your challenge is to stand bravely in the face of that...and to rally yourself to still seek to mend the trust between you...even in the presence of his ambiguity.
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
luvcats, thanks for the reply! I agree with sage, you are a very strong person to share your A with us and offer the advice that you can. I know I appreciate it as well as many others. YOu can offer an insight that many can not.
As for your situation, have you read the section about infidelity in DR? Really good stuff in there. Also, marriagebuilders.com has some really good stuff too. Definitily check those out. Trust is something that has to be earned. I really hope that the talk with your H goes better than you think. YOu have to think positive. At least he is willing to talk to you. That's a good thing. Remember to just listen and validate, validate,and validate.
I have to agree with you about some of the questions you answered about tpdad's sitch. I too noticed that my W changed A LOT as soon as she started talking to her ex-bf. She became very distant and withdrawn from me. My sitch is sounds similar to yours, the W and I have been together for 9 years. We started dating a couple of months after ex-bf moved and they broke up. It's like all of sudden this person comes back and there's a new interest again. I know that they talk often on the phone, and I mean a lot, like highschool kids. 60-120 min. conversations. I have access to her cell phone bill so that 's how I know. I know I'm not suppose to snoop but damn it, it';s my wife not his. MY W hasn't directly admitted that she is seeing the ex-bf yet. She knows that I know because I called his house last week when she was there and told him that I know my W is there and that I know what's going on and then I hung up.
Quote: To NoD..I understand why you are confused about your W behavior,why would she want to be with this guy who sounds like a jerk? Well it is easy to fall into past relationships..especially if there was not closure the first time..and also if this guy is calling her, sucking her into his life.Your W must have some unhappiness and is hoping this guy can fill it.It is a vicious, no-win cycle. There must still be some attraction..Good Luck.
It's obvisous that this guy is sucking her into his life because she is a completely different person. Everyone that knows her has acknowledged this, esp. me. I never knew that he was such an influence on her. Did you experience this too? How long did you and your ex-bf date? How long did your A last? Who ended things?
I'm sorry to pry about this stuff, but your the first person that I know that has had A with an ex-bf and I'm just really looking for as much insight as possible.
Sage..You must have crystal ball because that paragraph you wrote about my H thinking Divorce will " cure him" and ease his pain are right on. We did have out talk and he was crying, and yes he said he is divorcing me..I have an appt. with an attorney this week. I am agreeing to everything..telling him he can be at home as much as he wants(we have 2 kids)..so he is relaxed and happy now and he actually spent the night here instead of going to his apt. I did have some moments of anger today but I am trying to diffuse them immediately..
As for NoD hang in there..my OM had a child (from a previous relationship)when we lived together.I was very attached to her..SO when he called me 10yrs later he said his daughter wanted to see me..Now I realise it was that he was going through a difficult time.I also noticed he would call me when he was under pressure in his marriage.I felt very emotionally responsible..I knew very intimate details of his life that no else knew (that's the sucked in part)and I felt like I was the only one he could talk to. We were friends for a year then it turned into an A..for 2 yrs..but sometimes we would go weeks without talking to each other.
Now I realise how dangerous it is to have past loves contact you..I have had 2 ex's from college contact me in the last few years..they must be having a MLC or having problems in their marriage..I refused to contact them back.
