I know that you explained this, yet I can't help but to wonder why all of your power is spent trying to control this relationship with your FIL...
Your FIL is what he is. Everyone in your Family knows this, yet the focus still seems to be on HIS actions, HIS words, HIS power over the entire family.
To me, your FIL is nothing more than what another Man would be in a relationship. He is little more than a 30 year old band aid. He is the balm over an open wound, from her past.
And while he played a part in this, that was many , many years ago that his actions paid their cards on that table.
Yea, he is here now, yet your spouse is the one making those decisions now, not him.
It is HER choice to take the path that she is...
One thing that is preached here a lot, is the LBS parenting towards the WAS....
Your job right now, isn't to facilitate that relationship, it is your job to NOT damage that relationship....
Your Daughters need to find their own path through this, albeit with your guidance, not your plan...
I had this conversation last night with a friend....
What is our job as a parent now that our children are teenagers ???
Is it still to protect them from the world happening around them, hide them in a closet, and shield them from society ??
(Although at times, family can be worse than society)
Or would we be better versed (as Parents) to let the world happen, and teach them how to navigate life, and guide them through THEIR decisions....
What is your Daughter's plan to handle things if your FIL starts his crap ???
How would SHE like it handled ???
Like Cat said above...
Focus on the good around you with this, instead of the "what if's ".
Haven't had much time Mach. The focus on my FIL is because he is here and injecting himself at the moment. Once he is gone and goes back 1000 miles away, no more focus on him. Thanks for the post and I'll get back soon. On way to airport to take my parents for flight home (with the kids).
Still don't have much time but wanted to respond to one point (which is valid) cat made. You spoke about how you don't let the fact that you don't share your S's accomplishments with your H affect how you feel about them. I understand this and agree it is my choice how I see and feel about this kind of thing and I'm sure, as time goes on and I get on with my life I will do the same. Right now, still living with my W, still unsure how this is going to play, still having to deal with how her thoughts and feelings and moods change daily, it is hard to do. Since I still don't know if or when my W will leave or what kind of relationship I will have with her or her with my kids, my emotions are still somewhat raw.
At times my W can be nice, seem to care about me and the kids and what is best for them. At times she is awful yelling and screaming at me or them for not immediately understanding what she is saying or what she wants. Never knowing which W will show up at any given time we all walk on egg shells not knowing what will set her off at any given moment.
You are very right about the way I need to become. The way I need to react or not react to the things he says or does. Not let her effect who I am. Right now that is hard. I have no one in my life that I can confide in or really share these things with except my family and D's. She was this person to me for the last 25 years and until I know that my M is definitely over, I don't have someone like this and that can be hard at certain times.
Thanks for showing me that in time, I will be able to let this go and enjoy the milestones and happy events in my and my D's lives. It will take time and work for me to get there but I will in time.
I lived with my X for four years post bomb. In separate rooms, leading separate lives. The first year and a half were hard. Because i resisted the process. Once i accepted it was what it was, whatever that was, it became much easier to function.
Waiting to live, waiting to change thoughts and behaviors, waiting for the what ifs, holds YOU back.
I have more but im on my phone right now.
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
Oh yes, you are very right! I do understand that I'm my own worse enemy most of the time (as horrible as that is to admit!). Of course another big part of this right now is money. A few months before B-day the co. I worked for for more than 10 years closed very unexpectedly. After talking it over with my W, we decided that I would start a co. with some people I had worked with, knowing that for a least the first couple years, I wouldn't make much money but that in time I had the potential to make substantially more than I had. To do this we would need to rely on savings and her pay and she was very much in favor of doing this. Now, that leaves me in a bad spot as things are taking even longer to get going AND I now am unsure how long I can count on her to share costs of everything with me. This is one of the reasons I am so upset about the school thing. In the past, I made enough to send my D myself and still afford the house, car, food, etc. Now, I barely make enough to support myself and I may have to abandon this business as the way she has been spending, her hiding money and just the fact that she is more in control of finances at a time when I can't really count on her doing what she agrees at any given time, money is short. For the 15 years before my W went back to work (almost 4 years ago)I was the only source of income as she was a stay at home mom by her choice. This is now one of the things she blames for her lack of happiness now.
This sitch with money has held me back from doing many things apart from my W that I would like to do but we just don't have the funds to do them. I have tried to find many things that are low cost or free and have been doing those (meetup groups, etc.)but there are many other things (even just going out to have a few beers with friends) that we just can't afford right now. At the same time my W has refused to take over the bill paying even though she said she wanted more control and at the same time if I tell her to be careful with money, will still go out and spend hundreds on things that she really doesn't need and become upset if the bills aren't paid right on time.
Also, since her pay has been the biggest part of our income, if she needs to work late (which has been often) I have been having to rush around and take over getting both the kids to and from school, fed, do all the food shopping, run errands,go to school meetings, etc. which is wearing and makes getting this business really going as I should be devoting more time to it.
When you add those stressors to the stress of my M sitch, it can be hard to find time to just calm myself and relax. After this week both my D's will be done school for this year which will mean more time and less running around getting them but also means at least the youngest will be home alone more often and will need me to spend time with her or help get her places to do things with friends, etc. which I already know my W won't help with. It's like I'm a single parent but at the same time need to deal with a W who does only what she pleases to do and seems to feel no obligation towards her kids.
Not sure how you dealt with 4 years with a H like that! Must have been very hard. I think one of the biggest problems in my sitch is that there isn't a spare room for her to live in. She basically lives on the couch and in the livingroom. That makes it hard for her to feel separate from all of us and since she is always tired and wanting to go to sleep (many days she starts complaining as early as 7:30 that she wants everyone to go from the living room so she can sleep)it is a source of friction with everyone and cuts back on family time together. It also makes her moving out much more appealing as she see's us as in her way and it is true somewhat.
So, while it's true that I can't let what if's stop me from living my life, the fact that I really never know what I can count on from my W, which things she will agree to do but then back out of at the last min., whether she will listen when I tell her that money is tight and watch what you spend on but at the same time need her income to pay the bills at least for now has held me back and I need to be able to get to a point where I don't need to count on her for anything has contributed to holding me back on that front as well.
Mach had asked about how the sitch with my FIL has played out in the past. Up until about 7 years ago, it wasn't germaine. He didn't want to see her or the kids and never bothered calling or keeping in touch. When his father died that changed. He wanted her in his life but not me or the kids. Before she went back to work, she would go up in the summer to visit him while I worked. She would spend a couple weeks there with the kids and I would join later and spend some time at least for the first couple years. After that, I wouldn't bother coming up as it was clear that her dad had no desire to see me but she could spend all the time she wanted with no complaints from me. I wanted her to have some kind of relationship with him and although I knew he would tell her what a waste her life was and that she needed to leave her family so she could "grow" as a person, I never thought she would start to listen to him and agree!
Other times if he came to visit us, he made it known that he had no desire to spend time with any of us, just my W and that was fine with me. I was always nice and would just let his insults and digs go since he was her father and that is just who he is. The problem I have with him now is due to hearing her apologize to him post B-day because she hasn't left. How he keeps pushing her to move faster to end her marriage. How he has been telling her to hide money, telling other family members that my oldest D will never amount to anything and will have a wasted life, never mind she is doing great, Telling my W when she said she wanted to give her marriage a chance that it would just go back to the way it was so why bother, how he manipulates my W into doing what he wants, when he wants with no regard to what is best for even his daughter let alone her kids or family. Now he suddenly wants to be part of my D's life when in the past he wanted no part of her and has been so awful to her she doesn't want him around her.
As far as treating my W "like a child", I'm really having trouble with that, especially since in the same breath she told me I needed to plan family vacations and "make" her go even if she said she didn't want to. She told me that was what her father did when she was a teenager and she was now glad he did, even though at the time she hated it. To me THAT would have been treating her like a child. As far as how she thinks I did that, the only thing I can think is how I took over taking care of things when she was depressed because she was always too tired to function. Other than that I can't see how I treated her that way and she can't tell me or give me any examples which I understand since it's a "feeling" she has that she can't find words for. At times it seems like she is rebelling like a teenager would (something she says she never was able to do because she felt like she had to be the 'adult" around her mom back then because her mom was so devastated by her divorce and was always angry at her dad and overwhelmed by trying to raise her kids alone with no money help from her father)and I am now the father figure and her father the person who wants to help her "escape".
I do understand what I need to do mostly. The first and foremost is get to a place financially where I have no need of her income and am working hard to get there. Also, now that the kids are out of school I will be able to do more without having to worry that I have to pick them up at a certain time which will help my GAL activities greatly. At this point I have no doubt that my W knows just how much I need her income and help and does use this to her advantage. I'm also sure that things would have played out differently to this point if that wasn't the case. None of which makes a difference in what I must do for myself and my family.
Ok quick question about my W and the kids. My W asked my D to do something tonight. She delayed doing it like 14 year olds are want to do. W started yelling, D who is angry at W started yelling back. W than asks me for help. For my part, in the past, I would have told my D not to be disrespectful towards her mom. Now, since W doesn't want to be married to me and wants to leave, I just figured I would stay out of it and let her deal. I won't be around much longer so she'd better learn to deal on her own. When my response wasn't good enough for my wife (I calmly asked my D not to yell) my W started getting on my case screaming that I should have done what she was asking her to do. This made no sense since she was just as capable as I and she asked our D to do it.
It all ended with both my W and D yelling and angry. From what I've read on here, it's not my job to facilitate my W's and D's relationship any longer. She wants to be on her own, do things that upset the family and make my D angry at her, than she needs to deal with her and her relationship.
Should I have intervened like I would have in the past? Did I do alright by trying to stay calm and letting her and my D work it out even though my W asked forms to tell her to do it? Any thoughts? It wasn't the way I would have handled it before as I would have told my D to show respect but I'm not so sure the way my W is acting she deserves my D's respect!
Ok quick question about my W and the kids. My W asked my D to do something tonight. She delayed doing it like 14 year olds are want to do. W started yelling, D who is angry at W started yelling back. W than asks me for help.
Originally Posted By: Matt165
For my part, in the past, I would have told my D not to be disrespectful towards her mom. Now, since W doesn't want to be married to me and wants to leave, I just figured I would stay out of it and let her deal. I won't be around much longer so she'd better learn to deal on her own.
You did this: When my response wasn't good enough for my wife (I calmly asked my D not to yell) my W started getting on my case screaming that I should have done what she was asking her to do.
Do you see why you got caught up in all of this when you should have stayed in your own sandbox while letting them figure out their mini-storm?
How would you have handled this differently, Matt? Is it the old Matt (rescuing W from her parenting dilemmas) or the new Matt (letting W handle this herself)?
I know Wonka, that's the problem. I try to just stay in my own sandbox but this time my W (loudly) asked for my intervention. When my response wasnt forceful enough, she spewed on me. Not sure what to do when asked to get involved. I know my W needs to deal on her own terms with my D and if she hasn't started yelling for me to do something I just would have stayed out of it.
I don't think just ignoring her was the right way to go. Should I have just told her to handle it herself and stay out of it? Seriously, not sure which way to go in a stich like this.
Ok Folks, really bad development today. If you have read my posts you know that my FIL is in town today. Supposedly to go to D's graduation events. The first one was today. My W insisted that he come even though she didn't want him to. W shows up this morning ALONE. After all the crap she gave my D, telling her she has no choice and he is coming and she got ready, he doesn't show. The event today was at the end of chapel and after sitting through all the other stuff for the lower grades, the part that was so important to my D started. 5 min.'s into this (the only reason for her to be there) my wife gets a text, says "I gotta run" and in front of everyone...including my D who is standing in front crying because of what the first teacher was saying, walks out!
My W NEVER takes off work but did so today so she could be there (or so she said) because it was so important to my D that we be there and she just up and leaves! No explanation just have to go. So, on my way to get to work after the event I see my wife's car.....parked in front of a lawyers office!
So, we couldn't understand why he just had to come. Why he didn't bring his wife. Why he would bother to go to see my D as he never gave a damn before and now we know why. My W just told me a few weeks ago that she hadn't gone to see a lawyer, had no plans to and no longer even thinks she wants a D but dad comes into town the week the kids finish school (the event she was waiting for before leaving to "separate") and now she's going to see a lawyer with daddy. I never bought that he was here for my D, now I know I'm right. Why lie and tell me that she wasn't going and then turn around and go? Why do the MLC's feel the need to lie?
She also told me that it's not the Divorce that hurts kids, it's how you act during and after. So she thinks hiding money, locking me out of shared email accounts, trying to send my D away without even talking to me about it first and now, lying and going to see a lawyer AFTER telling me she had no plans to and hiding it from me is the way to act to have the "right kind" of D?
My FIL isn't just the 30 year old balm, he is the OP in my W's MLC and is the only person she knows who thinks she is doing the right thing and has been pushing her along. Yes, I understand it's not his fault or that he is making her do anything she doesn't think she wants but without his constant negative family pushing, she wouldn't be doing this, at least not yet.
As for why the lawyer...there is no such thing as a separation in the state I live in. There is only Married or divorced, so she isn't talking about separation papers or such. I live in a state where it's very easy to get a divorce IF both parties agree. If not, there are very few "grounds", none of which apply in her case. The only thing she could be doing is looking into D which as of just 2 weeks ago was off the table at least for a year.
My W just texted me as she is supposed to meet a repair person at the house today and wanted to know if I heard anything. I told her no but that I would be sure to tell her if I do. I asked her what was up that she missed our D's big event. Her reply was "I sad to miss it. I'll explain later.". That should be fun. I'm going to wait and see what her explanation is and see if she tells the truth or not. If she is honest I will tell her that she shouldn't have hid it from me, shouldn't have lied to me about not planning on going to lawyer and why her dad was really here but if that's the way she wants to go then that's fine with me but that I'll be going and making sure that me and my D's are protected. If she lies, I will tell her that if this is the way you think people are supposed to act to have the kind of divorce that "doesn't hurt the kids" she is mistaken. That she has been the one sneaking around and hiding money, etc., all the things she was so afraid I would do but never did. That I have known since Dec. that none of this is about me or our M. It's about the fact that she's not just unhappy, she's in pain. She is depressed/anxious, scared and hurting and just wants it to stop and she has decided that the next thing to try is D'ing me and being in control of her life, not part of a couple. That all I've done since Dec. is give her space and support so she could do whatever she wanted from going to Fla to going away for her work to working late every day and my helping by taking care of all my and her responsibilities and not once asking her to do or not do anything.
I have given her as close to total freedom as possible and if she still thinks I'm to blame for her unhappiness than there is nothing more I can do but at least I'll know I gave it my all to try and save our family. But if she thinks (like she has said in the past) that she may someday allow me back into her life in the future she has it wrong. It will be up to me if I will ever let her into mine again. She no longer shares ANY values with me. The values you used to live by no longer seem to matter to you and if that is who you now wish to be. If that is the way you want to live your life, why would I want her in MY life?
Or maybe I shouldn't say anything. At this point I'm just upset that she can't seem to either be honest or keep her mind set on what she plans for more than a single day and isn't at all able to talk to me.It just seems like one day she thinks and says one thing, next day it's totally the opposite. Why did she have to do this now? Why can't she just let my D's get through their big days before lying all this at our feet!
