Good grief, I feel like I need to send you my address so you know where to mail your invoice.
You really made me think on this one Mach. Now that I look back, I do see signs that maybe she felt controlled by me. I know I am definately controlling with money. My father is that way and my mother is a spender who would sneak money from their accounts to go buy clothes etc.
Regarding fears, all of the above. I have issues stemming from my childhood. My sister was killed in an auto accident when I was 10 years old. Both of my parents basically sunk into depression leaving my brother and I to mentally fend for ourselves. I becamse terrified every time my parents left the house, they were going to die in auto accident, obviously. Years of therapy ensued and I finally started to to heal.
I was also cheated on by my ex-wife so I have huge issues with rejection and abandonment. Talk about self-fulfilling prophecies...
However, there is still residual pain from all of those things.
I think that definately played out in my relationship. I can be too reserved, controlling etc. Change is very hard for me, as is evident in what I'm going through now. I now have no other choice than to GAL and that's scary for me.
I WANT to change. I WANT to be healthy. And I WANT to be a good husband. I also WANT to be a better father.
This isn't going to be easy, but I'm determined to go through whatever it is I have to go through to get to the other side.
Thought stopping - I have a sticky note on my monitor at work that states the following: attitude of gratitude, believe, thoughts create emotions, focus on YOU, and YOU are loved.
I also deleted all of her emails from my email at work, we would constantly email back and forth jokes and I love you's. That was really hard for me. I also deleted her contact info on my phone so I wouldn't stare at her name in my contacts list. Deleted all her texts.
When all else fails, I research things on the internet to help me gain control of my thoughts. DB.com has been a lifesaver.
Goals - I may need help with this one Mach. I seemed to have aimlessly let life dictate my direction. I've been thinking about getting back into competitive tennis and becoming a tournament player again. But I want other goals. I go to the gym regularly but there's not much substance to my life.
I'm happy that I've not reached out to her at all since the bomb. I even helped her pack without shedding a tear. I read another post here somewhere about treating the WAW like a friendly neighbor, that's exactly what I did.
As soon as she drove off with her things, panic ensued. It's the panic that I'm still struggling with.
Of all my relationships, I honestly feel (And I felt this way before the bomb), that she was by-far the best woman I have ever been with. I took her for granted, was wishy-washy with my affection for her (my friends fed me all this alpha-male bs about how to keep her attracted that I took to the extreme), all because I was scared of losing her. Again, self-fulfilling prophecy. FEAR FEAR FEAR.
The time is now. I realize another day cannot pass without pouring myself into this process. Honestly, I'm terrified.
