Hoping for positive changes

[artsy]

How do you know if you've truly forgiven someone? I mean, I can say I have and think I have and then resentment can creep back in sometimes. How do you get past that, and how do you know when it's really happened?

God's on my twitter, again all kinds of tweets about forgiving people, and how important it is to forgive for OURSELVES to heal, not necessarily for the benefit of the other person.

"Forgive them, even if they aren't sorry." I love that!!! But how?

[owl777]

I read 3 books, etc. etc. on the subject, trying to do this for myself. The best advice from my readings and listening to preachers, is you know you've forgiven when you pray for the other person to have the wonderful things life has to offer that you would want for yourself. Try it. You'll know if you can forgive the other person at this time. I am just after weeks of this, able to pray for all those blessings to go his way and wish him more happiness, contentment, etc. than he had with me. If you can't do this, dive back into healing yourself and work on the bigger issue--forgiving yourself. Yes sirree! It's a huge key to forgiving the other person.

[artsy]

Good stuff, Owl! Thanks!!

[owl777]

You're welcome. DB coach helps. Read and pray. It's not about being busy and moving along, it's about being patient and loving yourself and trying to grow, even if your spouse doesn't want to try. Keep your chin up and have a great summer!

[KGirl]

I have been thinking a lot about forgiveness, too. Can I forgive my H for the hurt and pain he's caused? Should I forgive him? How does this relate to trust? etc. I've been doing a lot of reading and researching (I even checked out a book that seemed really legit but then focused on how the power of your forgiveness will cause the person to change via quantum physics, and they'll then give you what you want! that was a little but much for me) and here's what I've been keeping in mind:
-When I find the resentment creeping, I pause and say to myself something like "I forgive you for your past actions. I wish you well. I wish the best for you." - essentially wish good things for them. I found a wise website that explained that the first few (or 100?) times you do this, it may feel fake and not real, but eventually it becomes your reality and you DO wish them well and forgive them (kind of like acting "as-if" - you might feel fake at first but eventually it becomes your attitude!)
-I found it hard to be forgiving because I thought that meant I had to be OK with what happened and "put it behind me" - forgive and forget, so to speak. That same wise website acknowledged that forgiveness and trust are two different things. You can forgive that person without ever interacting with them again. But to regain trust or rebuild an R, they have to do their part, too. And it's important to not just "forget" the past hurts because some people are just not trustworthy or not able to stop hurting us. We don't need to continually subject ourself to hurt. Not saying that that is necessarily what our H's will do, but we don't have to feel like forgiving = sweeping it under the rug.
-Forgiveness doesn't mean you condone or are OK with what happened. You are just accepting it happened, and that you don't want it to continue to hurt you in the present and future.
-Forgiveness is ongoing. New triggers or events may come up and you may need to keep forgiving. It's not a "one and done" thing.

When I'm feeling resentment towards H, I read this quote to myself. It helps me a lot:

"Forgiveness does not mean approval. It involves a willingness to see with new eyes--to understand and let go. They did what they did out of their own weakness. You did not deserve it. They could not teach you what they did not know. They could not give you what they did not have." - Dr. Louise Hart

They aren't doing this intending to hurt us. They may just not know how else to deal with what they are going through.

So, all easier said than done, right? I don't know how to know when it's really happened. But I'm hoping that if I keep doing and thinking the above things that eventually it will be there, even if I'm not really feeling it now.

[artsy]

Great post, KGirl! Thank you. I think I need to delve I to the book realm on this topic, too. Maybe some websites. I am mainly concerned for my own well being- I have a tendency to hold grudges. I hate it, and I'm actively working on it in IC. I'm getting better, though!

I'm definitely a work in progress!

[owl777]

The forgiveness thing is difficult, but just knowing they probably don't even know what they've done helps us give them empathy. Sometimes, though, (I deleted what I wrote since the patrol lady would have anyway). Bottom line is don't do or say anything that will make you hurt worse in the long run.

[artsy]

LOL!! ^^^^

Thanks, again, Owl. I believe he didn't realize what he was doing in the moment, but I think more he's dealing with the fallout of his actions over the last few years right now (he's basically said this). He's currently reconnecting with his D18. Hopefully he finds a way to apologize to her and patch the damage there. IF he comes back to our M, it will be after that R is on the mend. I'm rooting for him!

[KGirl]

I have a problem with holding grudges, too. This was an issue for H and one he specifically raised at BD as why he didn't want to be M to me anymore. I'm still trying to figure out whether it's "holding grudges" or just being wary when someone is untrustworthy. Sometimes I was just holding onto things for the sake of holding on to them, even after H was sorry and didn't do anything in the future to make me doubt him. Other times (like when H wasn't sorry for doing something because he thought his actions were perfectly reasonable and therefore I shouldn't be hurt by them) maybe it's not a bad thing that I didn't "let it go". I don't know? Still thinking, I guess. If you have any tips from IC that are helping you with this, I'd love to hear them!

[owl777]

I learned to hold others accountable for their actions and they should be the ones to apologize. I used to bring it to the attention of the abuser and well, my H wouldn't ever, and I mean ever, admit he had been hurtful and said something he needed to apologize to me for. This is something I'm not accepting yet, and well, it's probably just as well we're apart when the other person can't be repentant of his/her own words and actions. I did read that it's good for us/me to forgive him for not having that capability and well that's what I forgive, not the actual words or action.