In July 2013 I learned my husband had been having a long-distance affair with a 26 yo woman from his company. He works for an international organization and she is in another country. She has a daughter with some other guy (story gets a little confused here) that she told my H was over, but the guy either objects to it being over or it isn't really. Don't know and don't care. But my H and OW met at a company event while I was organizing a cross-country move for our 3 children & me to join him at the new state; affair started there (Jan. 2013). Became an electronic affair till they met again May 2013 when he was overseas. Apparently she started withdrawing because around this time he became very surly, avoiding the family, etc. He was chasing her and she was responding sporadically. July 2013 everything came to a head, the baby daddy told them that he knew everything and was going to contact me with all the information he had. My husband rushed to confess that night ahead of it. The next morning I found what the OW's guy had sent me -- screenshots of my husband being extremely explicit in texts with OW. It took a few days and he seemed reluctant, but he did send her a NC letter, and frankly I was relieved that all this was in the open, because in his confession he had suggested marriage counseling and I felt like all the staleness and distance of the last several years would finally start to be resolved.
All seemed well for a couple of weeks. We really connected again, asking questions and sharing our insights on things that went back to the first years of our marriage. I was happy and he seemed really happy too. Of course there was still pain and questions about the affair but we were connecting and that was a really good start.
After about 2-3 weeks he withdrew dramatically. It took a couple of days and then he said "but what if in ten years we find out we really aren't happy together and we should have split up now?" This was horrible to hear of course, but I stepped away from him and struggled to figure out how to respond supportively, even though it seemed like a foolish question to ask if we were both working on the marriage.
Turns out that was a lead-in to his next trip, when he saw her again and slept with her again and lied about it to me. The OW's guy tipped me off. Horrible response (I told him via text not to come home, then hours later said he could, because I worried about our children's reaction to losing their dad in that sudden way). Did not forgive so quickly this time, but we had a counseling appointment already in place so waited to see what that would bring.
Long story short, four months of counseling was a BIG waste of time, the counselor was not helpful at all. By January 2013 he was saying again ILYBNILWY a LOT, said he wasn't sure if "this was what he wanted" and that he felt like he needed space away from us. We fired the old counselor and found a new, much better one. Even so, things have deteriorated steadily till April 2014 when he finally said that his heart isn't in making this work and he kinda-sorta moved out (due to his very hectic travel schedule he's been camping at a local motel between trips rather than actually moved out; so the kids think he's traveling rather than moved out at the moment).
Two days ago I found out he had been spending our separation in contact with the OW, rather than working on the M as promised. He lied to the counselor when he said he didn't still have his mind on her. When I asked him why he was contacting her he said "There's a lot of history there" -- as opposed to the 18 years of history he shares with me, but that's just a vent. OW's guy isn't sure she actually came up to his room, but my H's texts to her said "say yes say yes say yes" and "I'll wait up in my room so you can make it up to me". H insists they only were together in the bar with other co-workers and never spent time together alone. I don't really care; I'm more angry about him being in contact and insisting he feels nothing for me and that OW is irrelevant to this lack of caring.
I'm in IC with the same counselor who does our MC; when I told him about all this yesterday he said that he had come to our appointment ready to tell me to give up on my H and prepare for D based on what my H has been saying in counseling the last few weeks. He said I ought to call a lawyer, which I've done.
I have read about half of DR. I don't want a divorce but I'm not sure I can get my H to want to come back to me. Our M was fairly disappointing the last several years but used to be really great and I want to make it that way again. I know a lot of what I've contributed to the failure of the relationship and am willing to turn it around, though I know it will take a long time to make that happen. I've also reacted really badly to all this over the last seven months or so -- basically been the anti-divorce buster. I'm trying to turn that around, in part by going dim till I can GAL and get my emotions under control.
My H says he isn't ready to talk about divorce, but that his heart isn't in making all this work. I don't know how much his interest in OW plays into that -- she doesn't sound like she's been all that receptive lately. We'll be telling the kids we're at least separating next week, and then he'll be leaving for a 3-week trip overseas, and the day after he gets back I'm taking the kids on our annual vacation with my family.
I'm sorry this is so long. I feel isolated -- only lived in this state for a little over a year, and I'm not accustomed to needing people, only to being needed. Somebody please, weigh in. I don't want a divorce; I don't know if it's possible to avoid one.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
