So I messed up and checked her FB, couldn't help myself.
I am thinking that you could help yourself. It's easier to say that you couldn't....yes ???
Realize that the ONLY person that you are hurting when you look/snoop, is yourself.
And IF you can handle that hurt, then feel free to do so. Although I am fairly sure that you don't want that hurt in your life...
Originally Posted By: Thornton
I agree with you but it's really hard to implement.
Originally Posted By: Thornton
It does logically. But my emotions are telling me she is "out there" meeting new people and if I'm honest, men.
Let me share this with you....
Right now, and what the others are telling you to do, is to find a way of not focusing on what she is doing, thinking, jogging with, etc....
GAL is a way of getting out there, getting fresh air, and starting to live your life again.
Once that you start living your life again, you will find that it becomes easier to not focus on what she is doing. You will be too busy doing your own thing to notice.
Your logic vs. emotion thing....
I would say that you are correct with that, and on the right path with that line of thinking. I would also bet that in your normal life ( before B day), that you didn't think about logic vs. emotion a whole lot. Logic was the norm, and emotion was on the back burner....yes ???
Post B day, your life will NEVER be the same, because your eyes have opened now, and although logic will once again prevail, you will always be aware of your emotional level too....
The key is to stop REACTING from your newly found emotional fortress, and act from your logical side, that is aware of your emotional side....
Make sense ??? I hope so : )
And now....back to your "buts"
Buts are just excuses that keep you trapped in old behavioral patterns. Every time I see the word but, what I see is an excuse to slip into those patterns, and it de-qualifies anything previous to it.
I would be thin BUT for the doughnuts...
I would stop smoking BUT they relax me...
So....
I wouldn't have raised that 2x4, BUT you asked for it....
Mach - thank you for taking the time to post on my sitch. I know you are very respected here and I truly value your insight.
If could keep an eye on me, I would greatly appreciate it. I welcome the 2x4's. They hurt but they're necessary.
You're right about thinking logically. GAL has always been a challenge for me, I can be a homebody at times and like to relax at home after a long day at work. The problem with that is that it's a recipe for obsessing.
As a result, I have neglected friendships or found excuses to not be as social (so and so is married with kids or he just likes to drink and I don't live my life like that any more). My WAW and I became, I beleive, each other's sole source of companionship. We did everything together with our kids. I know that's unhealthy.
Now I find myself terribly lonely and feeling unconfident since my best friend left me, not exactly an attracive trait, especially when trying to fix my relationship.
Maybe I have a fear of rejection that I need to think about?
Realistically, I am just a guy, who has been where you are now..
I remember that pain, and those feelings. And if something that I post can help anyone not feel those things, or guide them to not making that same stupid emotional decisions that I did, then I am more than glad to help....
Fear of rejection ??
Abandonment ??
Success ??
Failure ???
Co-dependency ?
Tell me why you feel that way ?
What I would advise for you, is to take a step back and realize how your actions are playing into your hurt, and realize that you have zero control right now over anything that is relationship oriented....
In most cases of a WAS, it becomes about having the power in the relationship. Most WAS's feel that they have been controlled throughout, and are looking for the ever elusive "freedom" to be who they were meant to be...finally
So in taking that power back, you really need to do it for yourself, and for nobody else (relationship included).
And you can start that by taking back YOUR power in this.
Every time that you check her FB, you give away power...
Every time that you call, text, send a carrier pigeon....you give away your power...
DBing is about becoming whole once again, and becoming attractive to your WAS, so that if the day ever comes that they miss you more than they are enjoying their new life, they will look toward you and see a strong confident person, who is capable of fulfilling their own happiness...
Now that may or not happen, there are no guarantees in this, yet you can certainly do your part....yes ???
So starting with a DB101 mindset...
What are you doing for Thought Stopping ??
Maybe a rubber band around your wrist, and snap it when you dwell on her ??
Take her phone number out of your cell contacts ? So that you have to THINK before you call or text ???
I think that we covered cheese-less tunnels....yes ??
What are some goals that you have for yourself ??
What scares the bejeesus out of you ?
Skydiving ??
Snakes ??
WAS's ??? (jk)
Face your most inner fears..
And why not ??
The thing that you feared the most, has already happened to you....right ???
Good grief, I feel like I need to send you my address so you know where to mail your invoice.
You really made me think on this one Mach. Now that I look back, I do see signs that maybe she felt controlled by me. I know I am definately controlling with money. My father is that way and my mother is a spender who would sneak money from their accounts to go buy clothes etc.
Regarding fears, all of the above. I have issues stemming from my childhood. My sister was killed in an auto accident when I was 10 years old. Both of my parents basically sunk into depression leaving my brother and I to mentally fend for ourselves. I becamse terrified every time my parents left the house, they were going to die in auto accident, obviously. Years of therapy ensued and I finally started to to heal.
I was also cheated on by my ex-wife so I have huge issues with rejection and abandonment. Talk about self-fulfilling prophecies...
However, there is still residual pain from all of those things.
I think that definately played out in my relationship. I can be too reserved, controlling etc. Change is very hard for me, as is evident in what I'm going through now. I now have no other choice than to GAL and that's scary for me.
I WANT to change. I WANT to be healthy. And I WANT to be a good husband. I also WANT to be a better father.
This isn't going to be easy, but I'm determined to go through whatever it is I have to go through to get to the other side.
Thought stopping - I have a sticky note on my monitor at work that states the following: attitude of gratitude, believe, thoughts create emotions, focus on YOU, and YOU are loved.
I also deleted all of her emails from my email at work, we would constantly email back and forth jokes and I love you's. That was really hard for me. I also deleted her contact info on my phone so I wouldn't stare at her name in my contacts list. Deleted all her texts.
When all else fails, I research things on the internet to help me gain control of my thoughts. DB.com has been a lifesaver.
Goals - I may need help with this one Mach. I seemed to have aimlessly let life dictate my direction. I've been thinking about getting back into competitive tennis and becoming a tournament player again. But I want other goals. I go to the gym regularly but there's not much substance to my life.
I'm happy that I've not reached out to her at all since the bomb. I even helped her pack without shedding a tear. I read another post here somewhere about treating the WAW like a friendly neighbor, that's exactly what I did.
As soon as she drove off with her things, panic ensued. It's the panic that I'm still struggling with.
Of all my relationships, I honestly feel (And I felt this way before the bomb), that she was by-far the best woman I have ever been with. I took her for granted, was wishy-washy with my affection for her (my friends fed me all this alpha-male bs about how to keep her attracted that I took to the extreme), all because I was scared of losing her. Again, self-fulfilling prophecy. FEAR FEAR FEAR.
The time is now. I realize another day cannot pass without pouring myself into this process. Honestly, I'm terrified.
So my first counseling appointment was cancelled, my therapist called and said she was sick. Had to reschedule for Monday, bummer.
I still battling the demons in my mind. I'm far from mastering it but at least I have the blueprint. The human mind amazes me.
I've been thinking about taking some time off to visit a friend in DC. I've never been to the east coast and I think it might help put some distance between me and my sitch. Maybe a change of scenery for a week would refresh my DB batteries.
I also find journaling here so therapeutic. I couldn't ask for a better group of people to be going through this with. I truly hope and pray you are all able to restore your marriages.
GAL weekend plans are going to be about me and my daughter. She's 14 and she has been so supportive. I try to hide my sadness from her, but I know she senses it sometimes. I definitely need to do better with this. She's such a good kid and has been through so much in her young life, I couldn't be more proud of her. So far, we are planning to see the new Spiderman movie at a drive in movie theatre. It will be a first for both of us.
We may also go up to Estes Park for a jazz festival. This one might be hard for me because it very much reminds me of my WAW, we used to spend a lot of time up there. I know I have to face these things though, fight through them and remember to breathe.
Today I woke up and the first thing I though of was WAS. But I was able to make a tiny bit of headway and focus on myself.
I have to catch myself everytime she starts to creep into my mind. It hurts that I have to forcefully evict her from my thoughts. I'm really digging deep to not blame the entire demise of our relationship on myself, that's hard to do as well.
It's almost like I will feel guilty for allowing myself to feel good. Does that make any sense? Like I'm abandoning my WAW. I totally get that she abandoned me and that my thinking is twisted. I'm an extremely loyal person, always have been.
I know I need to forge ahead, I have seen all the advice, am re-reading Divorce Remedy, and logically know I can't control any of this. But the feeling in my gut persists that I can make things right, that's what I'm fighting.
I suppose with time I will begin to feel centered again. And I know there are no timetables for this. Again, something I sometimes try to control. Will I feel better in a month, 3 months, a year? Who knows, but it's a thought I battle with and I'm trying to not let get a ahold of me.
Something that I really recommend to all of you is to read the "Advise from Wise DB'ers" forum at the bottom of the forum home page. Reading that really calms me down, I hope it will help you gain some clarity during this stormy season as well.
