After 11 years my wife has decided to walk away. We’ve been having some challenges over the last few years, but like most others here I was blindsided by this decision. Things became very cold at the end of April and I knew something was wrong. When I asked - I got the news. The last few times we had had serious discussions I asked her to go to counseling. She said that she was seeing a therapist and was working on herself before she could work on us. That should have raised some flags, and in hindsight I see that we needed to be working on us and not just her (future readers – do not make this mistake. Insist on counseling immediately).
I was able to convince her to go to marriage counseling and we had our first session yesterday. I really like the counselor and I feel like she believes that marriage is much better than divorce (she’s been married 40 years). I’m not sure if I will be able to convince my wife to continue counseling or not. In the session she said that she has 1 foot out the door (which is better than 2 feet out and the door closed I guess). I have some hope as things have settled somewhat from the original blow, but she is still clearly thinking about leaving. We have 2 kids (Ds 7 & 9). We are still living under the same roof and sleeping in the same bed. I really want this to work and I will do whatever I can on my end to try to get back to a better place with her. I told her yesterday that I didn’t want our marriage back, but that I wanted us to get to a higher & better place than we were before. I still love her very much.
I’ve started my 180 and have been making good progress. I’ve started exercising regularly again and am feeling better and losing weight (I’m not that heavy anyway). I’ve changed my attitude and behaviors and I am trying very hard to be the best person that I can. Every day when I wake up, I tell myself “This is the first day of the rest of your life. What are you going to do today to be the best that you can and make yourself a better husband, father, son, brother, employee, coworker, and friend?” I’m working on the GAL part. So much of my life has been tied to my family that the GAL part is going to be the hardest aspect for me.
I know that she needs some distance now and I am trying to determine how to provide that without being too far. I want to stay near my kids at the very least. We’ve had preliminary discussions right after she dropped the bomb about separation. I have an appt. w/ my attorney tomorrow to draft a separation agreement (just in case it’s needed). Although we could do it, it would be a stretch for either of us to pay the mortgage & utilities alone or to contribute to the cause while also paying for a separate apartment. I have family nearby that I could stay with rent free which would allow me to save some money for future use and still make a contribution to the cause, but I have some issues surrounding that idea as well.
I am seeking some advice on 2 issues: 1) With regards to space – Should we be sleeping in separate beds? I don’t know how much distance is needed and I’m not sure if there is a way to provide that distance while still being in the same house. A concern is that it would be much harder to work through some of this if we are not under the same roof. I am wondering if moving out of our bedroom into the guest bedroom would help things. I am somewhat afraid to ask how much space she wants for fear that the answer will be to separate.
2) I am trying to keep this from getting ugly, but frankly I’m not that interested in leaving our house if she is the one that wants the separation/divorce (even more so if she won’t at least try to work on it). I don’t think that she can maintain the house by herself w/ regards to general maintenance and upkeep and I would be worried that it would not be in prime condition to sell if we do get a divorce next year. Should I tell her that she has to move out and still contribute? I don’t want my kids to have to be displaced and would like to keep them in the house (they are going to have a hard enough time with all of this without having to move), but I would suspect that she would try to keep them with her wherever she is. I don’t like the thought of this, but if I leave the house, I would have to have some sort of separation agreement in place as I would be leaving all of my possessions except a few things still in the house and may need access from time to time. (I hate the thought of having to treat my marriage, kids, and relationship like they are pieces of property that can be signed away and I feel like this would seem like one step closer to signing divorce papers to her.) Any suggestions here would be great?
