Hello. Well, you've brought me out of "retirement" of sorts! I do have a sitch very similar to yours. I just was wanting to put it all behind me, so I let my own thread drop. It's further down on the page if you want to read it.
Anyway- I, too, was the betrayer in my sitch. It was found out in mid-March of last year. Right away, my H wanted a divorce. No ifs ands or buts about it. A few weeks later, he told me he'd like to "try." A few months later, he said that he couldn't keep it up, and that he was divorcing me. He moved out of the house in November.
Fast forward to today: He lives at home. There is no more talk of divorce. We are in counseling. Last night he came into the bedroom after midnight to say "Happy Valentine's Day," and to tell me how much he liked being with me. So- it can be done. I will not lie here, it takes a lot of hard work, and TONS of patience. I had to do a lot of work on myself. I guess the main reason I felt a connection with your letter is that you understand what led you to do what you did. I know how you feel- wanting so badly to take it all back, and wondering why in the world you were so weak to begin with. For now, there is nothing you can do about his feelings and desires. So, work on you. I know you understand the extreme unhappiness that made you do what you did. Have you done anything about that though? Focusing your attention and energies on fixing your marriage is not enough. If you do fix it, you will end up in the same place again eventually unless you do what you need to do for you. For me, it took really examining my flaws under a microscope. Then, I got busy fixing what I needed to fix. Examples? I started working out more, I took some classes, I went back to church. I started dressing nicer and taking pride in my appearance. I worked on controlling my temper and being a better friend to everyone in my life. (I could go on and on!)
It really sounds as if your H is still very hurt and confused. Validate, validate, validate! Don't be the one to bring it up incessently, but when he needs to talk, really listen. And, don't worry too much about him wanting to separate himself from you right now. He needs to do this, and you need to let him. I know, this is hard! When I was in the middle of it, I couldn't see this. But, I can tell you that when my H came home, I realized it was still too soon, and that he should have stayed away longer.
Hang in there! Don't make any decisions because you are trying to avoid pain. Just continue to be a friend to him. Get busy with things in your life, and make yourself a stronger person.
You showed your weakness already, now get busy showing your strength. It is going to take a long time to rebuild the trust. Be prepared for that. Remember, you did not get into this mess overnight, and you won't solve it that fast either. For the record, I still, of course, have lots of work to do on my sitch. My H still hasn't begun saying "ILY" again yet. But, I try to not get too hung up on this. His actions tell a different story. I am, however, happier than I have ever been in this marriage. So, keep the faith! And, keep the patience.
