My kids are completely different people with me than with my wife too. Are you the disciplinarian in your house? I am in mine and I have no problems at all when my wife isn't around. When she is, the kids will throw tantrums, cry over nothing, whinge, whine and complain and generally be a nuisance.
D4 is the worst and throws tantrums as you described. I've taken to ignoring her behaviour and when I can get a word in, I explain to her that I will not talk to her until she settles down. I leave her to have her moment, I'll move her to her bedroom is she is disrupting what anyone else is doing, and I'll go about my business as if nothing were happening. When she finishes, I'll say my piece, she'll be cranky for a while and then become very affectionate later on when she calms down.
Me: 31, W: 29 T: 4 M: 2 Kids: 3 (SS: 7, SD: 4, D: 3) Separated, still living together: Nov 2013 Separate bedrooms: Feb 2014 W working away; kids with me: Nov 2014
We both shared in the disciplining of the kids. In my opinion my S2 is treating my W different because the first 9 months of his life mommy was the one who gave him food and comfort, etc. All the things babies need when they are breast feeding.
Then when we started on baby foods he was not much into it. I eagerly awaited this phase as this is when my oldest and I really bonded. It never really happened with the youngest. He would not want to eat anything. It was not until he was 1 year old and he finally grabbed a lamb chop that he started to eat better.
So since he associated my W with comfort and love, in my opinion he gets really upset and mad at her when she is disciplining him or doing things that he dislikes.
I think his opinion of me is a loving dad, but my only purpose is not to provide pleasure like mommy.
He is getting better though. When my W first went back to work he ran off 3 babysitters in two months. What a nightmare.
We tend to ignore most of his tantrums, but when it is getting late and his brother is trying to sleep it makes it difficult to stay consistent and let him cry it out and calm down.
M:34 XW:34 Together: 10y Living: 9y Married: 7y Son:6 Son:4 Separated: 12/28/13 Piecing: 5/2/14 Separated 2nd: 10/16/14 W filed, but pulled it: 11/5/14 papers served: 1/27/15 D final: 3/6/15
I feel for you there. I'm glad my son sleeps through anything. Hopefully the terrible two's don't extend into the terrible three's.
Me: 31, W: 29 T: 4 M: 2 Kids: 3 (SS: 7, SD: 4, D: 3) Separated, still living together: Nov 2013 Separate bedrooms: Feb 2014 W working away; kids with me: Nov 2014
I hope you can finish this sentence: He has been evaluated by a competent professional (not his pediatrician) and our plan is...
You and your W need help in navigating this. You're right, all kids have a different relationship with each parent, it's meant to be that way but what you're describing goes beyond that. At one point you said something like "he escalates this" as if he had a choice. He may not.
You mentioned a couple of things and I'm paraphrasing, he likes things a certain way and having trouble with food early on. That might be nothing, might be something.
This isn't my area of professional expertise but I have some personal experience. It is what it is, personal experience but when your kid has an issue you do tend to learn everything you can about the subject. My S21 has OCD and it's not what many people, especially those who insist on saying "I'm so OCD!", think it is. It's not being a perfectionist (although that can be a feature) and it manifests sometimes very differently in kids. I ignored what I was seeing for a while and then tried to talk myself out of it for a while. He was 13 when we finally had him evaluated and we could no longer ignore it. I was in deep denial. My son was hospitalized for a week to get his symptoms under control.
S21 was a challenge from birth, what some would call high needs. When he would have meltdowns, it would be with me. It's been described to me as when the anxiety builds so high and they don't know how to deal with it (let's face it, they can't smoke, they can't drink, they can't do any of the other things adults do to "manage" anxiety), they meltdown and that release happens with the person they feel "safe" with. He still comes to me for the emotional part of his life. He has a great R with his Dad but he can't let that side out with him. I get the full-spectrum of S21 and that's good.
I'm not suggesting your son has OCD but he's suffering, don't you think? If he were doing what he does and complained of pain anywhere in his body, what would you do? Sometimes kids don't have the words to describe what's going on, especially at 4.
As I said earlier, all this may be something, may be nothing but wouldn't it be great to be able to help this little guy and make your family life better? You can get help in learning how to help you child deal with his emotions.
What they learn at 4 will make them more prepared at 33, right?
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
Thanks Labug, I have wrested with thoughts about our youngest that range from him being nothing but normal to being OCD to him being on the autistic spectrum somewhere. It all depends on my mood and his mood.
We highly doubt he is on the spectrum anywhere, pediatrician has addressed this with us a couple of times.
My gut feeling is that he gets overwhelmed and does not have the tools to help himself. He has never been a self soother. Never thought about taking him anywhere besides the pediatrician. He will be three in two months, don't know if he is too young to take to a doctor or not. What we probably need to do is get his tantrums on video and start documenting their frequency and length.
On the R note I stay at the W's house last night. She is watching two of our nieces in addition to our boys for the next couple of days. I took a vacation day today to watch them because the daycare is closed.
Last night we chatted while cuddling on the couch and she thanked me for being so nice.
More later, time to try and put two 4 year olds and two 2 year olds down for a nap.
M:34 XW:34 Together: 10y Living: 9y Married: 7y Son:6 Son:4 Separated: 12/28/13 Piecing: 5/2/14 Separated 2nd: 10/16/14 W filed, but pulled it: 11/5/14 papers served: 1/27/15 D final: 3/6/15
I thought it was the 4 year old. Thanks for clarifying. 2 is even less able to express verbally.
Do you or your W have experience with ASD? I forget what her field is. I'm not knocking your pediatrician or peds in general, I work with them daily, it's just that when I want need my appendix removed, I want someone who operates several times a week. When I want an expert opinion, especially in MH issues, I want the person who works with and treats daily. We made some mistakes early on in our OCD journey.
One of the most helpful things I've learned in this process is to think outside of my box, have beginner's mind. To not go into conversations or situations thinking I know the origin or the outcome. To see things with fresh eyes and not rely on the "story" in my head that shuts down my brain. To look at all situations from a compassionate place.
I wish you all well. ((( )))
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
Neither of us have experience with ASD. What is it?
As far as the rest of yesterday, it went really well.
Played with all four kids for the rest of the afternoon. Wife came home and we fed the kids together and cook us some dinner. Put them all to bed and I stayed the night again.
We talked a little before falling asleep. She thanked me for helping her out with our nieces being their too. She said it was nice to see me playing and enjoying my time with our nieces. They were cuddling up on me and sitting on my lap when we had some family time in front of the TV after dinner. In her words she said that they need time with men as their dad is never there, which is her brother. It really aggravates her that he is not home much and rarely spends quality time with his daughters.
She still talks about how she is still feeling nervous or scared that things will revert back. My interpretation of this is that she likes what she sees and it doesn't match whom she thought I was. She said she did a lot of moving on and now her mind is conflicted.
I told her I understand. I expressed my nervousness about the things that feel familiar again. I hope that what is familiar now are the good things about our former relationship. I know she enjoys us doing the family thing, she previously expressed this. I asked her if she saw any of the old patterns or actions with us yet and she said no.
She told me that last week she did not want to call me and ask for help with the kids, again she felt conflicted about the situation and us. Her mom sends her daily horoscopes and the day she called me her horoscope said something to the fact of 'reach out to others and you will be pleasantly surprise.' She said she did and she was. This was a very nice compliment and critique on my personal change. I caught her watching/admiring me and hiding her smirk/smile while the nieces were mauling me and cuddling.
In the past I felt put out by helping out with our nieces. I would do anything to help, but not with attitude and frustration/anger at the situation. Basically because her brother is out and playing around a lot of the time while his wife and kids are at home. I know they would take my kids at any time, but it would only be his wife contributing not her brother. It frustrated me in the past, I felt like I needed something in return from them and in particularly her brother. Now I don't share this opinion. Their relationship dynamic is their own. I am happy to help, just to help.
Another thing she said two nights ago was that she read a quote which swayed her opinion on working back with us. The quote was something like 'Don't marry a man you do not want your kids to grow up to be.' I think this may have jarred her to rethink her opinion of me. It is interesting that I have a quote and a horoscope to thank for this opportunity at piecing. Actually I thanked her for her bravery to give us another chance after all the work on getting over 'us' and 'me' that she had done.
Sometimes I feel that we are not talking things through enough, but when I journal here I can see that we are making continuous small steps. I don't think we need to or would be able to sit down and hash things out in the matter of a day or two. Slow and steady has been pulling us up the incline so far, no need to switch tracks.
M:34 XW:34 Together: 10y Living: 9y Married: 7y Son:6 Son:4 Separated: 12/28/13 Piecing: 5/2/14 Separated 2nd: 10/16/14 W filed, but pulled it: 11/5/14 papers served: 1/27/15 D final: 3/6/15
We have also seen an increase in intimate contact. Tuesday night when I stayed over I became the "midnight molester" as she calls it. When sleeping I get half way between awake and asleep in a dreary dream-like state where at times I initiate intimate touch. Happened a lot in our early relationship.
Tuesday I did this and it ended up with us ML. I initiated the contact but she directed the action after that. We both were pleased, to say the least, about it and thanked each other.
Last night we went to bed earlier that usual and fell asleep. In previous nights we would hold hands or I would have my hand on her shoulder or leg, not real cuddling. Same thing last night except in the middle of the night she rolled over and embraced me and cuddled me very tight. Whether conscious or not this was the first close intimate contact that she initiated.
M:34 XW:34 Together: 10y Living: 9y Married: 7y Son:6 Son:4 Separated: 12/28/13 Piecing: 5/2/14 Separated 2nd: 10/16/14 W filed, but pulled it: 11/5/14 papers served: 1/27/15 D final: 3/6/15
She still talks about how she is still feeling nervous or scared that things will revert back. My interpretation of this is that she likes what she sees and it doesn't match whom she thought I was. She said she did a lot of moving on and now her mind is conflicted.
^^^ That is the key to the WAW state of mind and it is when some sitches do turn because it is when their "firm" stance on S and D starts to crumble in the face of the LBS' 180s and other changes.
Keep going with this...until it becomes a natural part of the new GoFo.
Originally Posted By: gogofo
Another thing she said two nights ago was that she read a quote which swayed her opinion on working back with us. The quote was something like 'Don't marry a man you do not want your kids to grow up to be.' I think this may have jarred her to rethink her opinion of me. It is interesting that I have a quote and a horoscope to thank for this opportunity at piecing. Actually I thanked her for her bravery to give us another chance after all the work on getting over 'us' and 'me' that she had done.
God does works in mysterious ways!
Whoo hooo about your "play" time with W!!!
Keep on keeping going....you're doing really well with DBing.
