I want to know if anyone else is in the situation I am..I was the one who had the affair. Now I am hoping to save my marriage! When my H first found out about my affair he wanted a divorce..then as we talked more he decided to reconcile..Well after 2 months now he is saying he wants a divorce again. I am trying to hang in there but he is pretty angry and hurt. Sometimes I don't think he can ever get over it and move on. I definitely am sorry for what I have done and have shown alot of remorse!! When our son was 2 we found out he was disabled. This was extremely devastating for me! I spent all my time going to Drs. ,therapists etc..He worked all the time. We grew apart and never did things as a family. I asked him to go to counseling several times and unfortunately I made some very bad decisions to get my needs met. When he discovered my affair he was shocked and said he really did love me. Now that we have reconnected and seen where our faults were I am shattered he wants a divorce .I felt like we were really starting over..
I can understand your hurt, but it shouldn't really be a surprise your H wants a divorce. Read Micheles books. Do the last resort technique.
Here's what the books say, sounds crazy, but agree with your H when he suggests a Divorce. In fact agree with everything he says. You'll find if you stop defending yourself, he'll start defending you. Don't justify or defend your Affair take responsibility for it. Don't try to blame your H or your kids in any way for the affair. Especially don't try to fob it off on someone whose disabled. They don't even have a chance of defending themselves. Accept your responsibilities in life and be happy about them. There's a lot of people who love to work with disabled kids and say they have enhanced their family rather than torn it apart. Shift your viewpoint on this topic.
Reply to TpaDad..My spouse refuses to go to counseling now.I agree with other response.I do need to take responsibilities for my actions. I wish I would have been more mature and been stronger. My H told me at first he understood why the affair happened but now he is saying He cannot forgive me.I appreciate any suggestions..
I was hoping to hear from people like me who had an affair and THEY were the ones hoping to keep the marriage together.In my intial post I included the situation of our son being disabled, I included this because this event totally devastated me. Instead of bringing me and my h closer it created distance. I put my childrens needs before him.Now I wish I would have done alot different.
He recently told me he loves me as a friend and as the mother to his children but he does not love me as a wife.He has a little apt. he goes to at night. He told me he wants to physically and emotionally separate himself from me. I have read the DB books but I am the one who had the affair..I am doing the LRT now ..Sometimes he is very chatty and tells me things and I am confused how to act?? Part of me wants to distance myself now to avoid the great pain coming with a divorce and another part says act happy, don't let him see you crying on the inside.
A huge part of my H's thing is pride,I really hurt his pride with the affair. How can this ever be restored?He feels I am tainted now and can never be the same. The only positives are he keeps saying"depending on what happens between us" and he is not making any plans to get another house to have the kids over..
One last note..as I read the post about those of you whose spouses are in affairs i can tell you this..A person only has an affair if they are feeling very misrable inside. They somehow think this OP is going to make all the bad go away in their life..they don't think rationally..they only see your negatives and block out the positives.I convinced my self that my H didn't love me anymore( which I found out later was not the case)Your mind plays tricks on you and you do not think clearly. When i was in my affair I wish I could have gotten a swift kick in the head ,wake up!! Go to your H for help not the OP!!I have to live with what I have done.
Quote: A person only has an affair if they are feeling very misrable inside. They somehow think this OP is going to make all the bad go away in their life..they don't think rationally..they only see your negatives and block out the positives.I convinced my self that my H didn't love me anymore( which I found out later was not the case)Your mind plays tricks on you and you do not think clearly. When i was in my affair I wish I could have gotten a swift kick in the head ,wake up!!
Luvcats-- thanks for the perspective! It helps to reaffirm what we try to keep reminding ourselves of here as the ones whose spouses have or are still with OP!
Hope you are able to reconcile with your H--read the books--it sounds like you have something to start with...if you can get your H to read books on affairs--particularly "after the affair" may be of use to him!
Hello. Well, you've brought me out of "retirement" of sorts! I do have a sitch very similar to yours. I just was wanting to put it all behind me, so I let my own thread drop. It's further down on the page if you want to read it.
Anyway- I, too, was the betrayer in my sitch. It was found out in mid-March of last year. Right away, my H wanted a divorce. No ifs ands or buts about it. A few weeks later, he told me he'd like to "try." A few months later, he said that he couldn't keep it up, and that he was divorcing me. He moved out of the house in November.
Fast forward to today: He lives at home. There is no more talk of divorce. We are in counseling. Last night he came into the bedroom after midnight to say "Happy Valentine's Day," and to tell me how much he liked being with me. So- it can be done. I will not lie here, it takes a lot of hard work, and TONS of patience. I had to do a lot of work on myself. I guess the main reason I felt a connection with your letter is that you understand what led you to do what you did. I know how you feel- wanting so badly to take it all back, and wondering why in the world you were so weak to begin with. For now, there is nothing you can do about his feelings and desires. So, work on you. I know you understand the extreme unhappiness that made you do what you did. Have you done anything about that though? Focusing your attention and energies on fixing your marriage is not enough. If you do fix it, you will end up in the same place again eventually unless you do what you need to do for you. For me, it took really examining my flaws under a microscope. Then, I got busy fixing what I needed to fix. Examples? I started working out more, I took some classes, I went back to church. I started dressing nicer and taking pride in my appearance. I worked on controlling my temper and being a better friend to everyone in my life. (I could go on and on!)
It really sounds as if your H is still very hurt and confused. Validate, validate, validate! Don't be the one to bring it up incessently, but when he needs to talk, really listen. And, don't worry too much about him wanting to separate himself from you right now. He needs to do this, and you need to let him. I know, this is hard! When I was in the middle of it, I couldn't see this. But, I can tell you that when my H came home, I realized it was still too soon, and that he should have stayed away longer.
Hang in there! Don't make any decisions because you are trying to avoid pain. Just continue to be a friend to him. Get busy with things in your life, and make yourself a stronger person.
You showed your weakness already, now get busy showing your strength. It is going to take a long time to rebuild the trust. Be prepared for that. Remember, you did not get into this mess overnight, and you won't solve it that fast either. For the record, I still, of course, have lots of work to do on my sitch. My H still hasn't begun saying "ILY" again yet. But, I try to not get too hung up on this. His actions tell a different story. I am, however, happier than I have ever been in this marriage. So, keep the faith! And, keep the patience.
I have a question for both PamelaC and Luvcats. My W is currently involved with OM but has not admited to it and all I know is what i have found by snooping. It appears that she is "in love" although my C says that she is infatuated. My question is, should I push her to admit the affair to me? Was your A a one night stand type or was it more like my W?
It hurts me deeply to think of my W with OM since we were the first for both of us. We started dating in high school and have never been with anyone else. I love my W still very much and would love to have the opportunity to work things out. It just doesn't seem like a possibility right now. Any advice?
In my opinion...NO, do not push her to admit anything. If she's not ready to tell you about it, it will just make her avoid you (to avoid the chance of having it come out).
No, I didn't have a 1 night stand. It lasted many months.
The best thing you can do? Read the book The Five Love Languages by Chapman. Learn your wife's love language and start speaking it. Having been thru this, I can honestly tell you that an affair begins when you do not have your needs met. You just feel so low, and when someone makes you feel better about yourself you just gravitate towards him. You need to figure out what your wife is missing in your relationship. I am not at all saying this is your fault! She is being weak and taking the easy way out. You can get past this! My H and I were High School sweethearts, too.
I will try to find time to look at your thread tomorrow to get a better feel for your story.
Thank you Pamala C for your post..I was crying as I read it!!I am trying to be patient but I am getting scared..He wants to have a talk this week and I am expecting the worst..So I am really supposed to AGREE when he says he wants a divorce??
He did give me a nice Valentine card and then I felt like I screwed up again when I did not give him one( He told me NOT to get him anything)So I am trying to be patient and happy and not bring up anything(serious talk)
AS for Tpa DAD so your wife does not know you know about her affair? Wow..you must be a great actor..also I can't imagine the pain you feel and hard it must be to see her everyday? Yes it's true..she is getting some need met by this OP now..So I guess it's up to you to figure what it is without being too obvious. But she definitely is unhappy inside and this affair is keeping her from facing her real problems. An affair is like a drug..you get addicted..you get sucked into this other persons life who isn't getting their needs met either..and then when you try to stop and not call..then you have to face your problems again.So it is easier to stay in fantasy land with your OP.
Lat night CNN had a program on infidelity (2-14). Very interesting..I wish my H would have watched it. THe 2 couples in the show repaired their marriages..very slowly. So Tpadad please write again..
