I'm so shocked and heartbroken , this can't be rea

[rsl1034]

So journal improvements;
Down 31 pounds this started late Jan before my suspicions were aroused.
Drinking really cut down , this has a lot to do with the first point and I was doing it before because I knew it was important to her and it was/is something I wanted to do for me too. Don't misread this , on days off working in the yard or doing honeydoos I would drink beer and sometimes it was more than I intended. I was never belligerent, abusive or moping ,the worst was that I thought I was funnier than I actually was. 15 years ago and later my drinking caused me to get in trouble and caused her unnecessary stress and heartache. This is a large part of our problem , even though she has complemented me on many occasions that she was proud of how well I have been doing.
Clean shaven and nice clothes daily.
Make the bed every day , something I never thought about before.
Happy and cheerful around her nothing negative or cynical.
Redoubled relationship with S , never been a problem ,we've always been best buddies.
Completing unfinished projects.
Accountable for all my expenditures. Used to not keep reciepts.
No couch potato.
Give advice when asked about diet and workout...my idea to involve her 10+ years ago.
When she talks to me I listen intently, eyes squarely trained on hers.
I don't pursue or spy, I don't need to. If she has something to say she'll tell me
when she's ready , anyway if she can't be honest with herself there is no way she will be honest with me.
I still have lots of room for improvement, and some 180 s to do. I switched shifts at work to be able to spend more time together, a choice I made before I knew but it just went into effect today. Bad timing.
So that's just off of the top of my head ,oh and I read Sandi2's and Mach1 first post to me everyday.
So guys, MrBond, have at me i know you mean well and I have been in a bad place the other day.
I'm the only one I can do anything about.
WAS lie...period
I am listening , you've been here you know how hard it is.
Thank you all

[rsl1034]

I ask if you don't talk to them and don't ask how will you ever know? When they are as much a part of you as yourself and they (at least used to) feel the same way how can you just turn that off.
All of the happy places I try to go to are happy because we shared them. I told her eve
ry day! We were closer than close... I thought. I do believe it's a sickness on her part that I share a lot of blame for but how does it get to this point? Oh regarding a previous point ,we had a few sit downs at the beginning before I knew of DB that's when she gave me the reasons I listed. The day she said she was filing the reason she said was that it broke her heart to see me trying so hard and doing everything right , I was a wonderful father and husband and then trailed off.
Not looking good for the home team.

[Nettles]

Mach1 actually it was the "yeah ,don't do that again" that came off as a little Jerkish ,like he was just trying to get a rise out of me. He could have said something like " well that is something you shouldn't have done" or that's a bad move here's why... so yeah it was more the way he said it.

Do you do similar with W? You've built your reality to what you think someone is trying to say or do. MrBond wasn't trying to get a rise out of you. He was spending his time to help you. And there are a lot of people on this board that would like MrBond's help.

I write this because I understand why you wrote what you wrote. <- Do you get what I'm writing? Maybe I did this too?

[rsl1034]

No , I dont and didn't act like that with W. She can push my buttons if she wants to but the few times we argued it was resolved at that time.

[Mach1]

Rs...

What do YOU think is going on with her ???

Do you feel that she is a WAS, or maybe MLC ???

What are your thoughts on it ??

So journal improvements;
Down 31 pounds this started late Jan before my suspicions were aroused.
Drinking really cut down , this has a lot to do with the first point and I was doing it before because I knew it was important to her and it was/is something I wanted to do for me too. Don't misread this , on days off working in the yard or doing honeydoos I would drink beer and sometimes it was more than I intended. I was never belligerent, abusive or moping ,the worst was that I thought I was funnier than I actually was. 15 years ago and later my drinking caused me to get in trouble and caused her unnecessary stress and heartache. This is a large part of our problem , even though she has complemented me on many occasions that she was proud of how well I have been doing.
Clean shaven and nice clothes daily.
Make the bed every day , something I never thought about before.
Happy and cheerful around her nothing negative or cynical.
Redoubled relationship with S , never been a problem ,we've always been best buddies.
Completing unfinished projects.
Accountable for all my expenditures. Used to not keep reciepts.
No couch potato.
Give advice when asked about diet and workout...my idea to involve her 10+ years ago.
When she talks to me I listen intently, eyes squarely trained on hers.
I don't pursue or spy, I don't need to. If she has something to say she'll tell me
when she's ready , anyway if she can't be honest with herself there is no way she will be honest with me.
I still have lots of room for improvement, and some 180 s to do. I switched shifts at work to be able to spend more time together, a choice I made before I knew but it just went into effect today. Bad timing.
So that's just off of the top of my head ,oh and I read Sandi2's and Mach1 first post to me everyday.
So guys, MrBond, have at me i know you mean well and I have been in a bad place the other day.
I'm the only one I can do anything about.
WAS lie...period
I am listening , you've been here you know how hard it is.
Thank you all

All of that is great...really ...

Let me ask you this though...

Is all of that something that YOU would do for you ??

Or are they things that you are doing, so that she will notice that you did them ???

[ericmsant2]

For the record....

If I had my choice of poster that I want posting to me...in that mix would be Mr. Bond!

As Mach pointed out.

He is straight to the point.

As the old saying goes...if something that is said to you stings....it's probably something that you need to look at.

[rsl1034]

Mach1 well what I think is going on is PEA ,MLC,
Perimenopaus, Shame , not taking her thyroid medication and a 30 dose of me.
At least half of the stuff I've listed are things I would be and have been with or without her.
Making the bed and no shoes in the house are rules that had no value to myself ,this is 180. Projects well they get stalled for time money or other constraints.


All others; I asked a legitimate question to MrBond. Explained myself that I was venting ,in a bad place and apologized. If you still want to hammer me on that then it says more about you than me.

Question; last 2 days W is very nice and cordial when I get home ,yet she has taken to not wearing her wedding ring and it isn't in the usual dish where she keeps it when doing housework, hair etc. How do read this,do I let her know I noticed?

[rsl1034]

Oh and definitely WAS...how could I forget that!

[rsl1034]

See you guys confuse me too. You say to make changes, so 180s. And when I do you question whether it's for me or just to get her to notice. The answer is both , if it helps me to be happier and healthier in all of my other relationships then it has been a lifelong task to be a good human , other wise if it's things like picking up my shoes, throwing the old newspaper out or making the bed,a and other things i neglected over time, well that's for her. These are things that aren't too onerous ,common courtesy really and now are 180 behaviors. Is that wrong?

[Nettles]

rsl,

Here is everything I could find in your postings about your role in R problems. Yes, A is a major issue and has to be addressed with boundaries etc. But getting past A and addressing fundamental issues in M will be key in starting something new. Wouldn't it help to go into some detail on your role in this?

"I share lots of blame for it ever having gotten this far.

What I want and think that I can reasonably expect is a new foundation for our marriage ,stripped of lies and deceit.

I am working on me ,and I know what my role is/was in all of this.

I am well aware of my shortcomings and am making steps to correct them.

The reasons she gave me as to why are that I took out a loan she didn't know about to pay off a purchase that I tried to keep hidden because it was dumb and I knew it.Also because we didn't do a big vacation last year.

I'm not dumb and I have hurt her in the past

15 years ago and later my drinking caused me to get in trouble and caused her unnecessary stress and heartache. This is a large part of our problem , even though she has complemented me on many occasions that she was proud of how well I have been doing.

I do believe it's a sickness on her part that I share a lot of blame for but how does it get to this point?

She can push my buttons"