first of all I want to thank everyone in here that are posting, its been a great help. I have been reading up on so many topics here, but feel Im in a different situasion and could sure use some help from you guys. I know going through a divorce is a common thing, but even so, its impossible to be prepared for it.
Its now 12 days since my wife brought up the subject divorce. It came completely out of the blue, as we live a happy life together. She even says she is happy living with me, and have a happy life. But its not enough. First some info about us.
* She is 32, im 38. * Been together for 6 years, married for 4. * No kids, as she just dont want kids and Im not to keen either. * She is a buddhist, im christian. We never have any religion issues. * We spend plenty of quality time together. * 3 years back, she got raped, and after that our sex life have dropped significantly. She also developed panic attacks. Had treatment for it, and coping well. We also talked allot about it, and it feels like she is not struggling with it anymore. * Both have similar income and are in a good financial situation. * After bringing it up, lots of emotions and crying. We decided that we would not give up and try to work on it. * We then spent 10 great days together, but she felt it was not right and brought it up again. Now seem to be determined to separate. * We live together and dont argue at all.
HER FEELINGS AND BEHAVIOR: * She says she still love me just as much as before. The problem is that she says she does not love like a spouse should do. And also says, its always been like that. She just did not realise it before, but lots of meditation and looking inside herself, made her realise this. Says she will never be true to herself, is she keeps being my spouse. * She says there is no rush for me to move out, or her to move out. Just let this sink in and live our lives as before. * We still share the bed together, we still hug and kiss. Sex is of the table. * She always come and hug me and come close to me when we go to bed. * She has not meet anyone else, and says we dont have to get a divorce just separate. She says she will not get married again, so no need for a divorce. * She is crying over this issue all the time, and seems to have a hard time. * Im her best friend and she is afraid of losing me.
MY FEELINGS AND BEHAVIOR: * I love this woman of all my hearth, she is my only true friend in life. * Im still in shock over the whole thing. Cant understand why she would risk the happy life we have together, for something unknown. And mostly cant understand that she does not want to take some time on the issue. * Thinking of doing a 180. But worried it will push her further away from me. * Open for a separation, but will work on getting her back into my life. * The last few days, I have come to term with separating. If this is what she wants, Ill give her that.
So first of all, a few questions I was hoping some of you could help me out with.
1) If I do a 180, how do I deal with the affections we give eachother on a daily basis? All the hugging, cosing and small kisses. She is giving most of it. Im trying to remain calm and not show to much affections. If I hold back and dont allow it, will it not just drive her further away from me? 2) What about dining together, now we always eat together. Go out to a restaurant for dinner almost every day. Live in a cheap country, and not anything fancy. Should I stop this too? 3) Should I basically just forget that we live together and that she does not want to move just yet, and threat her as a roommate? 4) Should I move out, just to let her see how it will be without me? I think she would take this very hard.
Anyone have any good advice to a hearth broken man, but a man ready to do what it takes to keep his soul mate in his life. Thank you for listening and for all your help.
