I'm so shocked and heartbroken , this can't be rea

[rsl1034]

Mr Bond , thanks , yes I know that W has changed. A ended at the time I confronted her. OM lives across the country they used to work together met again at training and then he came out here for a weekend that's when SHTF.
Of course I'm basing this on her word and my gut. Not very smart right?
I'm not planning on making the sit downs a regular thing but the opportunity was there since she quit twisting for a while so I took it.

[MrBond]

"I'm not planning on making the sit downs a regular thing but the opportunity was there since she quit twisting for a while so I took it."

Yeah....don't do that again.

[rsl1034]

Mr Bond ,if you're just trying to pick a fight then restrain yourself from responding to my posts. You really come off as a condescending a hole. If you are honestly trying to help then think about " it's not what you say, it's how you say it".
I don't know anything about you or your sitch , how did your DB - IN go?

[rsl1034]

Very cordial tonight, sit down family dinner, discussed S' s upcoming finals and W's job demands. I kept myself out of it except as an interested contributor. W came to watch hockey game until bedtime, and hug and a peck ,and sweet dream wishes. I reciprocated appropriately yet downplayed my emotions to favor the game.
Not reading anything more into this than what it was, which was a nice evening with light but honest communication. Baby steps.

[Ggrass]

I read mr bonds comment as a tired been there done that...

With a sigh... Not as I'm better, but I've been there I've done it got a tshirt and knew afterwards how silly I was.

I read me every where, Cause i dont believe how stupid I was. I believed the a was after the break up not causing it... Well douh dumb one. Why else did my h end up accidentally camped not 2km from the ow house as I know now. I should have gone darker sooner. Now my sitch looks pretty grim.

[Nettles]

Why the MrBond hate? He challenges, that's all. And RSL has received great feedback from Mach1. It's hard to see that it has been utilized. Threads can be used to vent, but also to journal improvements.

[rsl1034]

Nettles, no hate for MrBond. I have gotten good advice from him and many others. I am giving my best effort to utilize it. I just thought the way he said a couple of things sounded like he was just being more harsh gloating than helpful.
It makes sense what he said and I tried to respond to that.
Perhaps I'm a bit touchy
Apologies to MrBond.

[Mach1]

It makes sense what he said and I tried to respond to that.
Perhaps I'm a bit touchy
Apologies to MrBond.

You ARE touchy right now....

Why ???

Because you are REACTING out of emotion, instead of seeing things rationally...

It is normal for now.

Mr Bond is direct, blunt, and to the point, and 99% of the time, he is spot on with what he says.

It is a communication style, and learning how different people communicate is part of the DBing process...

I do wonder though, if a person that you hardly know at all can fire you up that much emotionally....

How easy it would be for your wayward spouse to ruse that from you as well.....

Maybe think about how you give AND receive information from others.

One of the red flags that go up with a poster, is when their feathers get ruffled with another poster. Typically, when a poster gets like that, something has been said that angers them....

That anger from something that someone says to you, and that little burn, or sting that goes up the back of your neck ??

Those are the things that you do not like about yourself, and have been guilty of in the past....

What was it exactly...that angered you ???

I know that you said it was the WAY that he stated his point...

Is that on him, as the writer of the message ??

Or you as the interpreter of the message ???

Has that been an issue in the marriage ??

[willbwell]

good observations for all of us mach. I am too evaluating my reactions....

it is a lot of work... hard to face ugly demons when I know I just want peace.

rsl, it will eventually get a bit easier

[rsl1034]

Mach1 actually it was the "yeah ,don't do that again" that came off as a little Jerkish ,like he was just trying to get a rise out of me. He could have said something like " well that is something you shouldn't have done" or that's a bad move here's why... so yeah it was more the way he said it.
I read your first response to me everyday it's really good ,along with Sandi2's rules. I'm not perfect at following but I am trying.
I am well aware of my shortcomings and am making steps to correct them. The whole thing is just incomprehensible to me. I stayed home from work the day I presented my evidence of A. She was surprised and happy that I was home ,loves hand holding and kisses , up until I asked her about it. Since then it's like I'm the one who did a bad thing ,like someone said it's like an alien inhabits my wife's body.
The reasons she gave me as to why are that I took out a loan she didn't know about to pay off a purchase that I tried to keep hidden because it was dumb and I knew it.Also because we didn't do a big vacation last year. That is not a rational reason to dump 30 years and 3 people's lives down the toilet.
So why , if she had this plan...says there is/ was no plan, this act that just all of a sudden flipped the moment I told her I knew.
My wife the person I love and married who said she loved me 5 minutes before I asked her if we could talk just changed right there before me and those are the only reasons she could give me.
I'm not dumb and I have hurt her in the past but I honestly thought the last few years were the best. I had to find out what was really going on and it seemed like my last best chance.