Left Behind Newlywed

[Pluto]

I don't currently have a separate account, she does though. I need to get that fixed - trying to get her to go to the bank this week to get her access removed. We separated the bills and each pay our 'designated' bills if that makes sense.

She's also spending somewhat recklessly - I know for a fact she's behind on at least one credit card bill by a couple months.

I'm working on standing up to her and being more firm, though I've also slid towards the 'act like a jerk' at times.

How do I firmly call her on talking to OM in front of me without the 'act like a jerk' part? She has no desire to work on the M, of course - and doesn't care about my feelings or needs at this time - which I understand as part of the script.

[Pluto]

Sandi, just thinking about this more - I would expect that if I say something along the lines of "W, it is disrespectful and hurtful to speak to OM in front of me the way you have been. Go elsewhere and do that - and not in my presence" she would take it as a threat and ask 'or else what?' or tell me if I don't like it, I can leave the room.

What are your thoughts? Or anyone else, for that matter. Feel free to weigh in here.

[2BHappy]

Im new to this all well...but my 2cents

You do have to set some boundaries in regards to W talking to OM right in front of you.

I think in a calm way tell her that it is not ok to talk to OM while you are in room ,,,or whatever boundary you want to set for her interactioins with OM.

I told my H he had to break it off with OW as long as we are married and still living in same house. I think he did, but I stopped snooping so Im not 100% sure.

But this is a respect thing, my H knows he could not talk to OW in front of me, that would be a deal breaker.

If you put your foot down and your W leaves the house, are you ready for that?

We can all give advice here, but you must do what works for you.

[Pluto]

If you put your foot down and your W leaves the house, are you ready for that?

She's already told me a few times that she intends on moving out - and most recently told me she would be doing so in June.

To that end, I don't have much to lose. I'm reaching a point where it would almost be a relief in some ways. I'm all for re-establishing some boundaries, but I'd love some insight into how to do so. This is where I need Starsky and sandi to hit me with a 2x4 or five, I think.

I still want to work things out, but she needs to feel the ramifications and consequences of her actions - which might have to include renting a room somewhere on her own and dealing with that.

I've already decided that once she moves out, I'm changing the locks and going full blown NC - we're pretty 'dim' right now as it is, barely speaking despite living in the same house.

[Thornton]

I agree with your approach, Pluto. Let her experience life without you. She thinks it going to be roses and butterflies.

Maybe just maybe she will look back and tell herself "WTF did I do to my life?"

It [censored], I'm in the midst of this currently myself.

[Pluto]

Just had a fairly civil discussion about her plans to move out. She told me she had a place lined up, but hadn't determined when she will be moving out of here yet.

She asked if I intended to change the locks on her, and I told her in no uncertain terms that I did, as I had to protect myself and didn't want her being able to come and go as she pleases.

She became very angry and couldn't understand why I felt the need to change the locks. She told me that if she wanted to clean me out, she could have emptied the line of credit and joint account, but didn't - and that should show some trust.

I told her that was true that she didn't, but that since she won't even tell me where she's going to be living, let alone have access to it, I didn't think she should be able to have access to our house... but if she needed to come get anything I'd be happy to arrange a mutually agreeable time to do so - and that she was welcome to leave any of her stuff here that she wanted to (she had asked previously about this).

I told her that she's done so much to break my trust through all of her lies and deceit over the past few months, that I didn't feel as though I could trust her. I brought up the affair and how long it had been going on as a sign of that, and she told me that it was in the past and to stop dwelling on it. Not sure how this fits for 'script' by a WAW.

Once I confirmed I planned to change the locks after she WILLINGLY moves out, she told me she was going to lawyer up and that I'd have to go through her lawyer to speak to her about anything. She got very mad about me changing the locks, and started ranting about me having people over who would trash her stuff or steal it (I don't have seedy friends or anything - I'm a white collar 'keeps his nose clean' kind of guy).

I offered to let her store all of her stuff in one of our spare bedrooms, and we could put a lock on the door that only she had the key to, for her peace of mind -- but that I still intended to change the locks.

She made some other threats about lawyers and making me pay for that... but I ignored it for the most part.

Still seems odd that she felt a need to tell me that I should trust her... and to stop living in the past/bringing up the affair.

Thoughts?

[Thornton]

Well done! You were calm, rational, and didn't take the bait.

Expect more threats and increased anger. Be prepared and have a plan on how you will respond to her next attempt at getting you to fold.

[Pluto]

Thanks! I'm trying to keep my cool, and be stone-faced even when she's tossing out crazy threats.

She definitely doesn't like the idea of me changing the locks - possibly a slap of reality of the situation and the consequences of her decisions.

Oh well, I'm standing my ground. She won't even tell me where she's moving to - let alone let me have access to her place (because I'd creep on/stalk her apparently)... why would I want her being able to come and go from my home at that point?

[Pluto]

She also told me she felt like I was being rude to her and forcing her out... even though a few weeks ago when she first brought up looking for a rental place to live - she told me she wanted to leave as it would be cheaper to rent elsewhere than to continue paying her share of our household bills, and not because I was 'driving her out' (this was an important fact for me to clarify at the time).

She told me she felt like a prisoner here and that I had made it 'unlivable' for her here because I played the TV 'too loud' or 'blasted my music' -- I told her that she made me feel the same way when she shut me out of the office (where both of our computers are located) or went online to voice chat with OM.

Not sure this has helped anything, though I do hope by being firm and authoritative, she'll gain back some respect for me.

[VFL]

Thanks! I'm trying to keep my cool, and be stone-faced even when she's tossing out crazy threats.

She definitely doesn't like the idea of me changing the locks - possibly a slap of reality of the situation and the consequences of her decisions.

Oh well, I'm standing my ground. She won't even tell me where she's moving to - let alone let me have access to her place (because I'd creep on/stalk her apparently)... why would I want her being able to come and go from my home at that point?

exactly!

to me it seems that you are doing well. Kudos to you.