Upwards and JennD, Thanks so much for checking in. I tried to focus on being in the moment on mother's day-- Made a special breakfast for me and D, had a special adventure together in the morning. It was terrific. Ended up napping together with her on my lap. Haven't done that in a long time and I loved it.
Last week and the beginning of this one have been tough, though. A close friend, who has been a huge support to me, is dealing with a major medical crisis in her family as of last week. My heart is breaking for her. And the night my H was supposed to take our D, his MIL called to tell me he was in the ER with a possible serious issue. It turned out to be a false alarm, but brought a flood of awful emotions. (Like, my H is in the hospital, and I'm not expected or wanted there...)
And, Mother's Day always brings up my own issues with my own mother. But on the positive side (and I'm still working on changing my default view of the world from negative to positive), she bought me a meaningful gift, which is very rare for her.
My emotional strength is closely tied to my cycle, so I know that the sadness and anxiety I'm feeling this week are partially related to that. And I'm trying to cut myself some slack-- there were some major things in the last few days that would throw anyone for a loop.
But right now, I'm sad, and mad at myself for being so sad. And I'm feeling lonely, and missing hugs and physical affection, and hate hate hate hate that this is happening so so so so much.
I don't know what to say to my daughter when she says, "Mama, I'm sad. I want daddy."
And I definitely don't know how to respond to a WAH who thinks everything is honky-dory between us, and who thinks that we can just figure out our parenting plan and child care schedule as things come up. But when I try to put boundaries on it, he rolls his eyes at me and just reinforces his reasons for leaving.
Glad you asked, huh? Next week will be better, I'm sure. That is one really huge thing I've gotten out of this-- I know that I can feel sad--really, really sad-- but I don't have to be "depressed" (as in, I don't feel sad and hopeless all the time.) Feeling sad is a temporary thing. I am a great, beautiful person with a lot to offer the world. And if my H doesn't think I'm worth it to work on our R, he is a fool.
His walking away says a lot about him. And my handling it with grace and dignity and strength says a lot about me.
