Continue GAL, but because he has some major insecurities with us and how our R has been - RIGHT NOW, to prevent escalation, avoid coed things. That's not to say in the future I won't enjoy them, but at this time, avoid them. She was my DB coach a couple years ago, so she knows more of a background on the sitch.
Continue to include him in things if he asks, but do not volunteer the info. If he wants to hang out, do it with the hopeful thought it might lead to hanging out again. Walk the thin line between telling him what's going on an appearing mysterious. See how that works for a week or two, then reevaluate.
She didn't seem worried about him moving. Hell, I don't even know if he is or not at this point.
Continue with the control of anger. Don't let him push buttons. If he does, do lots of self talk. He's probably really confused right now, and doesn't know what he wants.
As far as communicating finances on what he will need to pay me - if it can wait, wait. That seems to be a hot issue with him right now, so if it can be put off or done via some other medium (text, e-mail, something less threatening) then do so.
It's good that I am making him "man up" per se and take on the responsibility of paying his own bills and taking care of his daughter. Continue to do this, as one of my goals is to get him to be more responsible, and able to stand on his own two feet without relying heavily on me to "mother."
Goals until next time: don't let him push buttons. Continue to GAL, but try to avoid coed situations for the time being. Ignore hurtful things, as he probably doesn't mean them.
Me- 29 H - 36 T - 5y M - 2y D - 11 months BD#1 June 2013 BD#2 H files 10/28/13 Retrouvaille Nov 13 BD #3 H Files 2nd time 4/22/14 Fires L 7 days later. No court dates set Supposedly he's moving out?
Went to anger mgmt class yesterday. The counselor I was is 2 years older than me, was divorced with a young kid and has been through my struggles that I am dealing with. She said "I know you probably understand counselors don't usually share stories, but I was in your situation a few years ago...so I'm going to share."
I felt like she was telling my life story. She also told me what she thinks I could do differently both anger management wise and in my marriage to help things. Things she didn't see when she was going through it. I was pretty happy about that.
After my anger mgmt session, went out and saw some friends I ride horses with. They have horses they let me ride. I was going to buy one of theirs, but H said no and then I got pregnant. I've had horses my entire life. I've been riding 20+ years. I didn't think it was fair for H to deny me that. We could afford it. But I digress. They always make me happy. I'm going to start seeing them again at least every Tuesday and possibly Thursdays, plus every other weekend when H has the kidlet. I went home in a jovial mood.
I took a chance and asked H if he wanted to watch a movie later, as I was going to pick one up at a Redbox. He said sure. I snagged a couple, as there was one he didn't want to watch that I will watch tonight by myself while he is working late.
Got home, and H is chatty cathy. Didn't ask me where I was or had been, but asked me how my day was. I told him, then asked how his was going. He told me all about his day. Shared some funny stories, and we talked while making ourselves an easy dinner. Went upstairs to watch the movie. It was so so, but the company was still enjoyable. H had even washed the bottles! I told him I really appreciated it, as it was one less thing for me to do in the morning to get the kidlet ready to go to the neighbor's house. I had also asked him to pick up a pallet from work, as there is landscaping stone being delivered today, and I didn't want the driveway getting chipped up when they dumped it. He actually brought one home! I told him thanks, and I really appreciated it as I couldn't get more than 2 from my job.
Leaving this AM, H is again chatty cathy, and as I was backing out, stopped me and reminded me to put the pallets in the back of my truck on the driveway.
The one thing I did notice last night in conversation: when initially asked about his job H said "eh, it's ok I guess." I asked him to elaborate as I didn't understand. "It's just the same stuff day in and day out."
Now this is a job H brags about to everyone, and tells them how much he loves it. I'm not sure what to think about it. I think he wants to be creative, and own his own business - just doesn't know how to go about it. At one point, he wanted to build these survivalist trailers...now, while I don't think it would be a very profitable business, it would give him something to do. I feel like he's bored with being in sales as his customers don't change very often, they just change what they purchase. H's job is 6 figures a year, but last night - he really just didn't seem all that excited about it.
H is also a serial job hopper, never having kept a job more than 2 years. Prior to the 2 year stint, 8 months was the max he held on to any job.
Not sure what to think about that. Thoughts?
I did text him this morning asking him if his attorney has formally withdrawn from the case yet, as my L has to file an answer this week and needs to copy her if she has not. H has said she still hasn't called him back after his email last week. He blind CC'd me on that e-mail, so I did see where he told her he no longer needs her services.
No clue if he is moving out this weekend, end of the month etc. I haven't brought it up. Tonight stone is delivered and he works late so I have the kidlet to myself, tomorrow is divorce support group and hot yoga. Friday a friend is coming over and she and I are putting the landscape stones on as much of the flower beds as we can before dark. Saturday AM is a bike ride and breakfast with a military friend, afternoon is horseback riding, PM is finishing backsplash. Sunday - go see horse friends again, maybe shoot some coyotes that are killing their chickens.
Me- 29 H - 36 T - 5y M - 2y D - 11 months BD#1 June 2013 BD#2 H files 10/28/13 Retrouvaille Nov 13 BD #3 H Files 2nd time 4/22/14 Fires L 7 days later. No court dates set Supposedly he's moving out?
For H and I to get along and not argue or have a "discussion" for 2 weeks. I think this is doable.
For H to continue to keep chatting it up with me.
For H to stay in the home AS LONG AS the verbal and emotional abuse stop. If not, that's his decision.
For me to find better ways to express my anger.
Me- 29 H - 36 T - 5y M - 2y D - 11 months BD#1 June 2013 BD#2 H files 10/28/13 Retrouvaille Nov 13 BD #3 H Files 2nd time 4/22/14 Fires L 7 days later. No court dates set Supposedly he's moving out?
Keep working on yourself and concentrate on your family. Your spouse has his own work to do and hopefully will be able to do that while living with you. It's awful to be in limbo. Keep your chin up and get into support groups and keep DBing if you can afford to do so.
H called me at work yesterday. Told me his buddy was in town, and he wanted to go see him at his hotel. Said he'd "be back home before [our daughter] went to bed." He sent me a text on his way back asking if I'd like something for dinner. I had other arrangements that evening, and nothing defrosted so said yes.
He brought home dinner, and sat at my new (to me) kitchen table and talked about his day and his friends. I just listened. When he asked about my day, I shared and he told me he wished I'd just tell certain people to shove it (I work with a lot of men, am still breastfeeding and one of them is calling my boss every time I go to pump and telling her he can't find me...but he has my cell phone number and doesn't try texting. He knows where I am but I digress..)
I told him it wasn't worth it, then mentioned I had to go run an errand and would be back in a few. Ran an errand, came back and he wanted to watch a movie with me again. We watched a movie, but before it was over, I was tired as hell and went to bed.
He woke up and got the baby at 2AM while I made her bottle. He fed her and I went back to bed. I got up this AM and got her things ready for the neighbor, and got ready for work. He left at the same time I did this AM, but stayed to talk to the neighbor about the kiddo. On the way out, he also asked me if he had to pay his student loans (all are past due) in cash or if he could use a credit card (he's admittedly stupid when it comes to finances.)
This morning, he sent me a text after I had already driven in to work and said he hoped I didn't go a certain freeway and took the back way, because the major freeway was a traffic nightmare. I told him no, I was already at work but thanks for the thought to give me the heads up.
I also mentioned to him that his other student loan account had e-mailed me (I had set it up to where it went to me instead of him as I paid all bills) to be nice. He thanks me and said he'd get it setup.
Still not sure if he's just being nice to avoid an argument, if he wants something, if he's still planning on moving out; or if he's really being sincere and wants to get along to try to salvage things. It's mind reading, and driving me bonkers whenever I DO think about it. It's at those times I try to find something else to do. Today, I think I'm going to start playing a super hard game of soduku whenever those thoughts creep in to my head.
GAL-ing this week:
Bought 2 tons (yes, tons) of drystack limestone to go around flowerbeds. I'm still not sure why I thought I needed 2 tons, but I also forgot to get base material for it. Need to do that today.
Tonight: going to look at/buy leftover flagstone from some people. Bought more last night and this should be enough to complete my patio out back.
Also tonight: divorce care from 630-830. I may be a little late from flagstone purchasing, but I'm going to try and hustle.
Tomorrow: Military friend coming over to help me stack rocks around beds. Hope to get the majority of it done.
Sat AM: he has the baby allllllll weekend so will get to see what it's like to be a big boy and take care of her 24/7. Sat AM, two other military buddies are showing up at 9AM to go help me move 1.25 tons of flagstone I purchased yesterday. I still have to finish lining the beds (and the FREAKING BACKSPLASH) before moving sprinkler system around so that bobcat guy can come in and prep dirt for patio.
Sat PM: horse people. They have a coyote problem, so I'm going to go over and we are going to call in some coyotes to get rid of them.
FOLD LAUNDRY
Sun AM: Might go to fav breakfast place. Might invite H. Might not. Just depends on how the weekend goes.
Sun AM after breakfast: I WILL get the backsplash finished.
Sun afternoon - pick up dog poop, mow yard. Finish whatever rock stuff around flowerbeds needs finished.
Sun late afternoon - start cleaning up house. At this point it should be a disaster from being neglected since...tonight.
Sun PM: if he's about to go nuts from watching kidlet, take her on a ride in her new bike trailer. I took her yesterday for the first time and she laughed and laughed the entire ride.
I think that should fully occupy the majority of my time this weekend.
Me- 29 H - 36 T - 5y M - 2y D - 11 months BD#1 June 2013 BD#2 H files 10/28/13 Retrouvaille Nov 13 BD #3 H Files 2nd time 4/22/14 Fires L 7 days later. No court dates set Supposedly he's moving out?
Oh, and tonight at 1030PM is hot yoga. I'm pretty excited about that.
Me- 29 H - 36 T - 5y M - 2y D - 11 months BD#1 June 2013 BD#2 H files 10/28/13 Retrouvaille Nov 13 BD #3 H Files 2nd time 4/22/14 Fires L 7 days later. No court dates set Supposedly he's moving out?
Keep up the good work. None of us want to burst the bubble but it seems he's feeling guilt and wants to justify his behavior and being nice to you, friendly, buddies, etc. That's all swell, but you need him to be your H and support you, especially being a new mommy. Wow, girl. Hang in there. You remind me of my first marriage. I didn't totally know it at the time, but my ex was having an PA & EA when I was preganant and afterwards I found out when my little guy was 1 yr. I had two little guys 3 & 5. I hope you don't get the shockers, but be prepared, and keep DBing.
Keep up the good work. None of us want to burst the bubble but it seems he's feeling guilt and wants to justify his behavior and being nice to you, friendly, buddies, etc. That's all swell, but you need him to be your H and support you, especially being a new mommy. Wow, girl. Hang in there. You remind me of my first marriage. I didn't totally know it at the time, but my ex was having an PA & EA when I was preganant and afterwards I found out when my little guy was 1 yr. I had two little guys 3 & 5. I hope you don't get the shockers, but be prepared, and keep DBing.
I am not discounting this. I'm trying NOT to expect another blow, but unfortunately I think it's coming. I just don't know what or when.
Me- 29 H - 36 T - 5y M - 2y D - 11 months BD#1 June 2013 BD#2 H files 10/28/13 Retrouvaille Nov 13 BD #3 H Files 2nd time 4/22/14 Fires L 7 days later. No court dates set Supposedly he's moving out?
Got home and H helped me move a sleeper sofa upstairs into the guest room. I had bought this before he filed. He had been sleeping on an old mattress in there that I am getting rid of. It was mine prior to marriage, and I don't want or need it. He didn't mention wanting it either, until I had already "donated" it to someone who will scrap the springs inside. Oh well, he can buy a new one.
I told him I didn't care if he used the bed to sleep on, just throw some sheets on it. I then went and put together another garage shelf, and started cleaning the garage. This is something I have been wanting to do for a long while. I let H watch the baby and started on it. I got a lot done before I realized it was late and I still had to put the kidlet to bed and go to the store.
Put baby down, and H asked me if I would pick up something for him at the store and he would "split it" with me. I told him if he wanted groceries from now until he moved out, he could ask me and I'd let him know if I could pick things up or not. He said he would appreciate it. I then said "so...when are you moving out again?"
Probably wasn't the best idea. He said "for sure" first week in June. I said ok...well just as a heads up, my attorney filed the answer to the petition today as well. You will be getting a copy. It's just standard paperwork.
Both these things set him off. He became agitated. Told me his apartment "wouldn't be ready" until June 6, even though I know they have apartments ready now. Said he also "didn't get" the one bedroom...not sure why he feels the need to lie.
Anyhow, I just kept saying ok, that's fine, I understand etc. Well, he was still ticked. I decided that was a good time to leave and went to the store, got some stuff and came back. H was snoozing, but woke up to help me with groceries. I told him I'd put them all away, as I was going to be reorganizing the pantry anyhow.
I picked up one of the rotisserie chickens for dinner. H cut it up, then sat down at the table to eat versus going upstairs. I continued cleaning and putting things away, then started on bottles. He was done when I sat down, but continued to sit there. I didn't say anything, as I was reading a book on my kindle. I figured if he wanted to talk, he could start the conversation. I laughed at a part in the book, and he asked me why it was funny. I explained, but other than that didn't say anything. He then took trash out, cleaned up kitchen and said he was going to bed. I said goodnight, and stayed downstairs. I didn't go to yoga last night as I was beat by the time I was done with dinner, and it was 1000 - when I'd have to leave to get there.
This AM, H came down to tell me that the baby was about to wake up, and he was about to get in the shower. I asked him to get her and change her so I could finish getting ready, and then I'd come and dress her and take her next door. As he was about to get in the shower, he said "well if I don't see you later, I hope you have a good day." I thanked him and wished him the same.
Needless to say, I'm THOROUGHLY confused but continuing to DB and GAL. Tonight a friend is coming over in the evening to help me with the two TONS of dry stack for the flowerbeds. I have it started, I just hope she and I can get it finished tonight. I also setup an appointment for solar screens to be installed, and ordered a new bed! H never did want to decorate the house saying it was "pointless" so I decided I am going to do it, and he will have no say.
Project wise, I'm at my max. Next week, going to order the fill materials and get the bobcat driver in to grade the area for the patio. I will probably start laying stones little by little at night as soon as that is complete.
ETA: I forgot my laptop this morning. I got all the way to work, when I realized I didn't have it. I live 34 miles away. I called H to see if he was still at the house and could meet me, as he would be headed this way. He was, and brought my laptop to me saving me another 30 minutes of driving. I thanked him and went on about my business.
Unfortunately, the pessimist in me is still waiting on the next bomb to drop.
Last edited by LongRoad06; 05/16/1403:30 PM.
Me- 29 H - 36 T - 5y M - 2y D - 11 months BD#1 June 2013 BD#2 H files 10/28/13 Retrouvaille Nov 13 BD #3 H Files 2nd time 4/22/14 Fires L 7 days later. No court dates set Supposedly he's moving out?
