Looking up at the mountain ahead

[Train]

Thank you so much for that, fig. I think a list sounds like a good plan. I am willing to give up a lot. H is more selfish. It makes our relationship difficult at times. Always has. I just want a different dynamic this time. More equality.

Question for you all:

How does a former WAS seemingly turn their feelings for their spouse off and on so suddenly? I know H's feelings perhaps weren't turned off suddenly per se. But they were turned ON almost overnight, it seems.

I obviously have some MAJOR trust issues going on right now. Those will be dealt with over time, I presume. But I don't understand how H can say he felt like he hated me a month or so ago and now he says he feels total love for me. How can I start to trust that? I'm finding it hard to commit to working on our M, honestly. It's hard because I expect he could just up and start hating me again at any moment.

A couple nights ago, he sent me this text: "Girl, you should still be reaming my as$. I'm having trouble coping with the damage I've done. Please, I don't want any sympathy, just want to let you know that this time around is different for me. Don't think I walk up into that house and everything is fine. I may act like that, and I think you mentioned that I have. You are being way too nice. And it's just unreal that you are willing to work sh!t out, totally unreal, makes me think twice on the kinda person you really are, wow, I love you!!"

It was nice and thoughtful. And unprompted by anything I had done or said except I had sent him a text telling him I still get happy butterflies to see his name pop up on a text telling me he's heading home. Still, I read what he wrote and immediately thought: "Awww, that's so nice ...... and I've heard it all before ....."

Ugh!!! This freaking blows! I don't want to feel that way!!!

Today, H spent his lunch break at home on the phone with our insurance company to square away everything we need to do for MC.

These actions should be making me HAPPY. And they DO. Sort of.

Am I normal???