4th Down And Getting A Little Anxious

[LongRoad06]

Long Road,

Just a FYI....the MLCers generally cannot stand to be alone so don't be surprised if OW shows up soon. I hope not, however it seems to occur quite frequently.

I'm assuming this is why, even though his apartment complex told me they have apartments ready NOW - he said they will not be ready until June 1 so needs a place to stay until then. He just doesn't want to be alone, in a city where he has no friends, living in a place where he doesn't even have a dog.

[Georgiabelle]

Little update...

So h came in this am and plopped on the couch and went to sleep while holding s4. I realized I didn't feel disgusted or repulsed when I saw him. I felt rather I different.

H's brother sent me a text on MD wishing me a happy Mother's Day. H did not. I'm not sure if I expected him to-perhaps I did. Darn those expectations. Why? Not sure. Maybe because I'm raising his kids? No expectations.

H told older 2 kids I ruined his life. As I've shared before, my IC and kids's therapist view this differently. When h reiterated that he sleeps thru meeting he at work or doesn't go to older kids last week, my IC said I should not have told the kids you don't do that. She said I undermined h and made him look bad. The kids therapist says h looks bad on his own. I believe delivery is important, and I did tell kids that it's not a good idea to skip meetings or sleep through meetings at work. (They know this-h has always done this). I didn't say anything bad about h, just that it's not a good idea to do that in the workplace. I read everything and some experts always present your spouse in a very positive light. I'm not sure about that when the actions cannot be presented " positively." I feel neutral, saying nothing bad and being available to answer questions is my best bet.

You know, I'm still very early in this process. I'm not a place where I can say this is a blessing-actually it s$&ks! However, I am learning a great deal, including more about myself. Like I've stated before, I didn't know relationships really ended "this way." I thought things were discussed and well, now I know. I am grateful for that.

Fence is finished and waiting for pool peeps to come open pool. I have become acquainted with lawn maintenance folks and handymen. I was used to h doing half jobs and I happy to get things completed. Saves me the work, cost effective, and everything is safe and looks good.

[Georgiabelle]

Oh and one thing. The older 2 asked me if their dad had been married before and I said he had. He said they said I was his only wife. I said that you will have to ask your dad. I'm so not a fan of lying.

[TL72*]

I think you're doing great GB, handling things quite well. I like how you educate yourself on things and are trying to handle it all with grace. You deserve a pat on the back for sure

[kml]

I'm not a place where I can say this is a blessing-actually it s$&ks! However, I am learning a great deal, including more about myself.

Don't worry, i have a feeling you will eventually reach that place where you realize this was a good thing for you. (Some days I feel like sending my ex a thank you note!!!).

As for talking to the kids about their dad - tread very lightly. I know it's tempting, when he's saying BS about you, to point out his flaws. But one thing I learned with my own kids (who were older - 17-22) is that they were super-sensitive to ANYTHING that remotely sounded like criticism of their dad, or that made them feel put in the middle.

Example - 9 mos after he left, I was planning Thanksgiving at my mom's house - where I was living - with the kids. We had agreed that it was my holiday that year. Well, ex said something to the kids about whether he could come - he didn't ask me - and when my oldest son brought it up, I said nicely "I don't think that would be a good idea".

You have to understand - my mom was furious at him for dumping me, we were in the middle of divorce negotiations, he'd been dating other women and there was NO possibility of reconciliation at that point - and he'd never made any such noises since he left. How he could imagine he would be welcome at my mother's table for Thanksgiving is beyond me.

But I learned much later that my son felt very very anxious about being put "in the middle" of that communication. He's brought it up several times over the years.

So - mt advice is, if you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all. If the KIDS bring something up, it's ok to validate their feelings - but tread very carefully.

[Georgiabelle]

Thanks TL & KML. H's mother thinks I'm crazy but I told h he is welcome to bring his wife, girlfriend or wife and girlfriend to holiday events. I want to show my kids that life throws curveballs and operating with integrity is best. I am doing everything not to ever utter a bad word about h as I think it's wrong and taking the low road. I will let his actions and behaviors speak volumes.

[Georgiabelle]

Ugh.....just a vent. H's parents took the older kids to therapy for me today. I'm not sure why, but I remembered when h started this job back in October 13 I was so excited for him. Little did I know he would start and EA and tell them (this isn't assuming-I saw and heard him post BD) say horrible things about me and that I had treated him horribly for years. I took cookies to his office one day and I had no idea he was doing all this. I know it's the past and I can't change it. For some reason, remembering that made me feel really embarrassed. He's telling them I'm a deplorable human being while I'm dropping off cookies at his office. Grrrrrr....

Thanks for letting me vent.

[LiveNow]

I am embarrassed too GB. A few people obviously knew he was thinking of leaving for a while when I had no clue. I wonder how I could have been so blind for so long...but, what others think must not rule what you think about yourself. We all did the best we could with what we knew at the time. We will all be more aware as we move forward.

[LongRoad06]

Ugh.....just a vent. H's parents took the older kids to therapy for me today. I'm not sure why, but I remembered when h started this job back in October 13 I was so excited for him. Little did I know he would start and EA and tell them (this isn't assuming-I saw and heard him post BD) say horrible things about me and that I had treated him horribly for years. I took cookies to his office one day and I had no idea he was doing all this. I know it's the past and I can't change it. For some reason, remembering that made me feel really embarrassed. He's telling them I'm a deplorable human being while I'm dropping off cookies at his office. Grrrrrr....

Thanks for letting me vent.

Oh, if you asked H - I'm a monster that NEVER lets him do anything, NEVER lets him spend money, starts in on him the millisecond he gets home and doesn't stop until he's asleep etc.

I guess all the guys trips, expensive guns and scopes, golf outings and clubs and the fact he's verbally and emotionally abusive don't "count."

My H is the equivalent of a 5 year old child in a lot of his actions. The "woe is me" is getting really old.

[TL72*]

I hear ya GB - my exH started an exciting new job last summer and I too was happy and excited for him but that is where all this started, EA and who knows what else and I know he told her things about me that probably weren't true too but whatever, they're all fvckers, unfortunately we still care about them and it still hurts. It is what it is, don't dwell on it and let it go. Hold your head up high, doesn't matter what any of them think, it's what YOU know. Inside you know that you did all you could and even this won't last forever - eventually the pain will subside, life will go on and new things will happen in our lives. Once in awhile it's hard not to think on the past - it just rears its ugly head but we have to let it go and just try and be in the present and distract ourselves with good things, positive things. Hang in there, this too shall pass!