Starting to get it

[mustardseed]

So true Claire. I have a job interview tomorrow. It is good to have something to focus on that gives me options. I also have plans with friends on Friday. So GAL is finally picking up again. I guess I really lost sight of my DBing since he told me he still loved me in January.

So I am going to act single (but not looking) from now on. But it still stinks because I still love him and I don't want to get over him. I never had problems getting over exes in the past because usually by the time it was over, I was already way over it. But not with him. I don't ever want to be over him. That's not to say I don't want to move on, or that I won't ever be able to accept a change in our relationship definition (maybe one day I can be friend without being wife), but to stop loving him--it feels impossible. It is like trying to stop loving my parents. I can distance myself. I can live my life separate from them, but I could never stop loving them and missing them when I don't see them for a while. I've never been a romantic relationship with that kind of love before I found him, and I can't imagine being in one with anyone else.

So, I will walk the walk as best I can, but I don't know how to not feel so lonely and sad while doing it. I don't know how to not miss him while I am GAL. And it is weird how vulnerable and insecure I feel--I've never felt like this before. I plan on chopping my hair tomorrow. I never had a problem doing that in the past. I've never felt attached to my hair, but this time I am terrified about it. For the first time in my life I am worried about what someone else will think about my new haircut. Who cares if he doesn't like it? Well, apparently I do, and I've never ever been THAT girl before. But I am still going to do it.