Kdog, thanks for that. Looks like I have some thinking to do. I've been so focused on her during this time. I need to forcefully look in the mirror and decided what I want for my life.
It's hard because all this time it was about our plans and dreams. Most of our goals/dreams were together.
This is something I plan on discussing with my therapist on Thursday.
So I listened to the "The Secret" cd's on my way home from work. Wow it really made me feel good for a while.
Basically it's the law of attraction and how to think positive and envision positive outcomes for your goals and dreams.
I wont lie, I envisioned and allowed myself to feel reconciliation with my WAW. I understand there's no guarantees things will work out but it felt really good to feel the warmth of it all.
Some people think stuff like this is hokey but it's been proven to provide results in sports and in business/sales. Many champions are taught this by sports psychologists. They teach their athletes to envision hitting the home run, or throwing the perfect pass.
I also realize this will not solve any of my issues if I don't put in the work in therapy and GAL.
It was nice to escape from the panic for a short time and feel a little confidence.
My Ex was bipolar. She would spend outrageous amounts of money. For example, she spent $1000 on baby shower gifts using her company credit card. She was almost fired for that I had ended up taking a 401k loan to pay off the card.
She would also not pay the mortgage (her only responsibility, I paid for everything else). I received a call at work one day from the mortgage company saying they were getting ready to foreclose on our house. I had absolutely no idea she had not paid the mortgage in 3 months.
It finally ended when she had an A and moved to another city.
I certainly had issues too. I was controlling due to my lack of trust, this just further drove a wedge between us.
She has since been foreclosed on in the house she bought after our D, been evicted from 2 apartments etc.
I've brought some of that baggage into my current relationship with WAW. I can be controlling with money. I never pay a bill late, always have good credit etc. However, I tend to take it too far and obsess about never letting money create issues for me. I always thought I was setting us up for the future, but failed to realize to sometimes relax with money and do fun things. Definitely something I need to work on and not let control my life so much.
No reason to be embarrassed. You're losing a part of you, so to me it's understandable how you're feeling. I'm going through the same thing. Mine told me to sign the papers when i'm ready but she keeps saying stuff like 'you'll never be ready'. It's a shock to see our spouses go from loving and caring to this bitter person that we don't know.
I too am seeing a counselor. It started off as marriage counseling together but now I'm going alone, at his recommendation. But it does help a lot.
Me 38 Her 38 Daughter 7 Married 11 Together 16 BD 3/21/14 Moved out 3/8/15 D final 3/11/15
I'm chomping at the bit to start counseling, tomorrow can't get here fast enough.
I have a feeling I will need to bring a towel with me because I'm so pent up and will probably cry alot.
It's only been a few days since she left, I went no contact but I miss her so much. EVERYTHING reminds me of her. I'm hopeful this will start to ease as the days go by.
I've made plans with my daughter to go to a drive in movie theatre on Saturday, I've never been to one so I'm excited. It's one babystep towards GAL. I know that if I'm not careful, I can easily hole up in my room and obsess about my sitch. Time to get active.
I'm glad you're excited abount counseling and are making plans to GAL. Good job on the no contact, keep that up. If you feel the need to contact her, please come here first so we can talk you off the ledge.
I think the anti-depressants may be a good idea as well. I waited a couple of months before addressing that issue, and it helped even me out emotionally once I did get on them.
H: 29 WAXW: 30
Bomb Drop- 9/9/13 Negotiated Settlement- 5/9/14 D Final- 5/21/14 XW has breakdown in attorney lobby- 5/30/14
Today has been kind of rough. I'm getting rid of emails on my work computer from WAW. We would usually email each other throughout the day funny things, jokes and I love you's. I can't bare the thought of looking at them now so I erased them.
I felt so sad as I erased all of them and then emptied the trash bin on my computer.
It was a tough one today folks. I don't think I've ever felt this alone in my life.
I know I'm in the midst of WAW withdrawal. My God, it feels like I'm withdrawing from heroin!
For me, the hardest part is obsessing. What is she thinking? Does she miss me? Is she questioning her decision?
I know this is not DB'ing. I just hope and pray that as time passes, so will my obsessive thoughts.
I need to find a way to calm my mind, the gym can only do so much. I'm fighting so hard not to fall into depression. Counseling starts tomorrow, I'm diving in head first and going to really try to make myself feel the feelings that I'm scared of feeling. Does that make sense? lol
