I'm so shocked and heartbroken , this can't be rea

[ericmsant2]

RSL

I always tried to make it easier for her

WHY? Why do you always try and make it easier for her?

I am focused on W , consumed even I know it's bad but I don't know how to stop.

Don't know how to or CHOOSE not to? Big difference.

Are you saying you have no control over your emotions? Cause if that is the case...then you may have some much bigger issues.

RSL...can you tell me a little more about yourself. What dreams to you have? Where do you want to be in 1 year, 2 years?

[owl777]

Wow. I relate. I was told, "You're like a deer in the head lights. Your spouse left a long time ago (planned it out) and now you're just finding out and in shock." This is true. Try to do and not do what is on Sandi's list and what people tell you. I at least was blessed to keep my sanity through reading books, DB coaching, etc. Coaching does help. I found out after the third session I wasn't able to DB with my spouse. (Some people aren't interested in trying and are too sick) I worked on me and well, if need be I'll use these skills with all people I relate with today and in the future. I do feel blessed. I hope you can DB and keep your family together. But, if not you'll at least get healthy for yourself and your kids.

[owl777]

Wow. I relate. I was told, "You're like a deer in the head lights. Your spouse left a long time ago (planned it out) and now you're just finding out and in shock." This is true. Try to do and not do what is on Sandi's list and what people tell you. I at least was blessed to keep my sanity through reading books, DB coaching, etc. Coaching does help. I found out after the third session I wasn't able to DB with my spouse. (Some people aren't interested in trying and are too sick) I worked on me and well, if need be I'll use these skills with all people I relate with today and in the future. I do feel blessed. I hope you can DB and keep your family together. But, if not you'll at least get healthy for yourself and your kids.

[Thornton]

RSL, I feel for you. I'm in the early stages too and it has been extremely difficult to not obsess and over react.

Hang in there, you are not alone.

[GoatGal]

I'm new here but I'm going to throw in my two cents because I've been on this roller coaster since September 2013.

It sounds like you don't know HOW to switch your focus from your W and all that distress. I admit, it's really hard to do, but with practice, you can do it.

Here's what worked for me.

First of all, I don't know if you all agree, but I went to my doc and got some Valium. Just a low dose, enough to let me sleep and start to recuperate after BD. It really helped in those first few weeks when I was insane with shock and grief.

Give yourself permission to just do what you need to do to feel better, but for limited periods of time. 15 minutes a day to cry and yell and curse the gods, then move on.

Our thoughts create our emotions, and you can't keep two competing thoughts in your head at the same time.
I picture a big old "STOP" sign and FORCE myself to think happy thoughts.
Sounds corny, but it works. I'm living proof.

Exercise is great, so is time with friends when you can refrain from getting into the details of your sitch. Sometimes a shoulder to cry on becomes a pity-party and it makes things worse.

Get a counselor for yourself. That's the place to process those emotions and stay on track.

I have not been able to afford a DB coach, but I would if I could. I think that support would be phenomenal.

Find a way to track yourself when you're thinking about her or ruminating.
I started a list of goals in a workbook and literally gave myself little smiley faces when I did something right. I know it sounds like kindergarten, but it helped to show me where I was going wrong. (stewing, snooping and feeling worse) and where I was going right (phone a friend, think about something positive, make a plan for something fun and when that made me feel better.)

I love my animals, and that unconditional love is great.

If there is something you love to do, even if you did it with your W, get out there and keep doing it. You don't want to give up the things you love during this time when they're more important than ever.

Focus on what's going right. It's also corny to say that "it could be worse" but I could. I personally have two friends whose situations make mine look like a walk in the park. It's all in your perspective.

And like everyone here said--you've got to have patience and release any agenda you're carrying. It's the only way.

Sandi's Rules, all that. It's priceless stuff. Read it all, do as much as you can.

Hope that helps a bit!

--GG

[rsl1034]

Mr Bond I don't understand your question. I'm working my way through DR and DB right now. I've been following it pretty closely until the Friday talk. I'm trying to detach but if I can sit face to face with her I have to try , honesty and straightforwardness are pretty high up in her value system. Other than that I have backed off and left her space.
Something keeps her here ,besides S or she would have left and I know that it might just be until school is out.
I have been listening mostly , what should I be following?

[GoatGal]

One thing I should add is that for a long time I had a really hard time being around my H. He could see everything written on my face and it made it harder for him.

Part of my detaching was sort of being off by myself and only being around him when I could control my emotions. Sometimes, no matter what I did, and even now, he'll say or do something and I'll tear up. So far I've been able to link that to just the "situation being difficult" while trying not to place blame or ask for reassurance. I usually end up with, "This is tough for both of us, but we'll be OK." and "I appreciate everything you've done to make this easier on me." and then I get the heck out of there!

[rsl1034]

Eric ,why do I and did I make it easier? I have always tried to do a little extra. She has a medical condition and stresses over her job and loses sleep so I try to make life at home more peaceful. Are you saying I should 180 that?
I don't know about choice , I tell myself several times an hour to stop and just don't think about it ,but it always creeps back in.
Do you want to know what my goals the next few years are now or what they were before? Actually they're pretty much the same. We have a good situation, no mortgage no debt so my plan was for us to see S into a good college, stuff retirement funds let her retire and take trips and probably relocate to where ever S takes a job after college.
W works for a big name federal agency she could retire young and has brought it up. Now however since OM also was M and works for them as well there is a chance she loses clearance and I think she is worried about that and so has flung herself headlong into work to get the most she can, she excels at her job.

[rsl1034]

Goatgal, thanks it does help.

[MrBond]

So let me put it to you this way ...

"I'm trying to detach but if I can sit face to face with her I have to try , honesty and straightforwardness are pretty high up in her value system. '

And yet she is having an A. HMMM I don't think honesty and straightforwardness are her values any more. This isn't the W you're looking for. She has changed. You have to also.