I'm so shocked and heartbroken , this can't be rea

[GoatGal]

I'm new here but I'm going to throw in my two cents because I've been on this roller coaster since September 2013.

It sounds like you don't know HOW to switch your focus from your W and all that distress. I admit, it's really hard to do, but with practice, you can do it.

Here's what worked for me.

First of all, I don't know if you all agree, but I went to my doc and got some Valium. Just a low dose, enough to let me sleep and start to recuperate after BD. It really helped in those first few weeks when I was insane with shock and grief.

Give yourself permission to just do what you need to do to feel better, but for limited periods of time. 15 minutes a day to cry and yell and curse the gods, then move on.

Our thoughts create our emotions, and you can't keep two competing thoughts in your head at the same time.
I picture a big old "STOP" sign and FORCE myself to think happy thoughts.
Sounds corny, but it works. I'm living proof.

Exercise is great, so is time with friends when you can refrain from getting into the details of your sitch. Sometimes a shoulder to cry on becomes a pity-party and it makes things worse.

Get a counselor for yourself. That's the place to process those emotions and stay on track.

I have not been able to afford a DB coach, but I would if I could. I think that support would be phenomenal.

Find a way to track yourself when you're thinking about her or ruminating.
I started a list of goals in a workbook and literally gave myself little smiley faces when I did something right. I know it sounds like kindergarten, but it helped to show me where I was going wrong. (stewing, snooping and feeling worse) and where I was going right (phone a friend, think about something positive, make a plan for something fun and when that made me feel better.)

I love my animals, and that unconditional love is great.

If there is something you love to do, even if you did it with your W, get out there and keep doing it. You don't want to give up the things you love during this time when they're more important than ever.

Focus on what's going right. It's also corny to say that "it could be worse" but I could. I personally have two friends whose situations make mine look like a walk in the park. It's all in your perspective.

And like everyone here said--you've got to have patience and release any agenda you're carrying. It's the only way.

Sandi's Rules, all that. It's priceless stuff. Read it all, do as much as you can.

Hope that helps a bit!

--GG