I'm not a place where I can say this is a blessing-actually it s$&ks! However, I am learning a great deal, including more about myself.
Don't worry, i have a feeling you will eventually reach that place where you realize this was a good thing for you. (Some days I feel like sending my ex a thank you note!!!).
As for talking to the kids about their dad - tread very lightly. I know it's tempting, when he's saying BS about you, to point out his flaws. But one thing I learned with my own kids (who were older - 17-22) is that they were super-sensitive to ANYTHING that remotely sounded like criticism of their dad, or that made them feel put in the middle.
Example - 9 mos after he left, I was planning Thanksgiving at my mom's house - where I was living - with the kids. We had agreed that it was my holiday that year. Well, ex said something to the kids about whether he could come - he didn't ask me - and when my oldest son brought it up, I said nicely "I don't think that would be a good idea".
You have to understand - my mom was furious at him for dumping me, we were in the middle of divorce negotiations, he'd been dating other women and there was NO possibility of reconciliation at that point - and he'd never made any such noises since he left. How he could imagine he would be welcome at my mother's table for Thanksgiving is beyond me.
But I learned much later that my son felt very very anxious about being put "in the middle" of that communication. He's brought it up several times over the years.
So - mt advice is, if you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all. If the KIDS bring something up, it's ok to validate their feelings - but tread very carefully.
