Why did you feel the need to "set the record straight" with him?
What does it matter what he thinks?
What stops you from seeking counseling? Don't tell me money, either... I mowed grass to pay for mine.
I felt he needed to know that I was aware of what was being said about me and my family. I don't care what he thinks. What I did care about was him spreading rumors and lies. Granted, I know I can't stop that, and I am sure it did validate his feelings about me even more. However, I did offer him a consequence for his actions. I know it shouldn't effect me emotionally, but it does. I don't think I would ever want to be so in control of my emotions that someone acting out against my family wouldn't warrant a response from me. That was basically my mindset. Now, why am I not seeking counseling? Good question. I don't have an answer, lazy maybe?
I honestly don't feel that I am anything like I was early on in my sitch. I am not filled with anger towards OM. I am not wound up about it today. I said my peace to him, set a boundary and moved on. I totally get what you're saying though, and I realize I still need to focus on my growth. You and Cas have made me start thinking again. Thank you for that
What I did care about was him spreading rumors and lies. Granted, I know I can't stop that, and I am sure it did validate his feelings about me even more.
So why continue to put yourself in that situation?
How did that change anything for the better other than momentarily giving you a bit of relief from your anger? That's a difficult way to live. It can be better.
You have a lot to say about W not wanting to work to change the marriage and make it work maybe she's just lazy, too.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
Bug's asking good questions. I have just figured you're so convinced you're right that it's pointless to try to help. You are kidding yourself about not being consumed with anger about OM. You might feel better now because you recently vented, but your outburst to him, to those on the outside of your head, sounded childish and impotent. CAS is giving you harsh but good feedback.
You are being given an opportunity to grow from where you are. You might like where you are and think it's great. Others here have benefitted from finding a way to let go of things they also thought were justifiable. You are so set on the fact that you're right and they're wrong, but that and a quarter will get you 25 cents and a lot of stress in your life.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
So why continue to put yourself in that situation?
That's a really good question. I don't know why I feel compelled to "ACT" when I feel I am being threatened.
Originally Posted By: labug
How did that change anything for the better other than momentarily giving you a bit of relief from your anger? That's a difficult way to live. It can be better.
In retrospect, it probably didn't change anything. Actually, it has surely made this situation harder to negotiate. I guess I don't have the tools yet, or maybe I never will, to be able to process my anger and control my actions.
Originally Posted By: labug
You have a lot to say about W not wanting to work to change the marriage and make it work maybe she's just lazy, too.
Maybe that is it. I don't know. However, I own my mistakes. I know what I did wrong in the marriage, and I accept the accountability of how it affected my life. That much I get.
You might feel better now because you recently vented, but your outburst to him, to those on the outside of your head, sounded childish and impotent.
I am sure you are right about that. I wish I would have handled it differently, how I don't know, but I wish it was different.
Originally Posted By: adinva
You are being given an opportunity to grow from where you are. You might like where you are and think it's great. Others here have benefitted from finding a way to let go of things they also thought were justifiable. You are so set on the fact that you're right and they're wrong, but that and a quarter will get you 25 cents and a lot of stress in your life.
I understand what you're saying to me. What I don't know, is where is the balance. I mean, I don't ever wish to become a completely passive person with no fight and no action. That just isn't who I desire to be. With that said, how would you have dealt with the situation at hand? Would you just allow someone to continue to talk badly about you and your family, and then welcome them to your home with open arms? Would you have confronted the person, or just pretended it wasn't happening, while they looked you in the face with a smile and stabbed you in the back once you turned around?
There's such a vast difference between welcoming someone into your home with open arms and calling them trash that belongs at the end of the driveway with the other trash...surely you don't need me to tell you that.
Publishing falsehoods on FB is not actually stabbing you in the back. Taking a knife and stabbing you in the back is stabbing you in the back.
Your perceptions, and your tendency to exaggerate and stir yourself up, and feel justified in blowing up like someone who has no control over himself...those are holding you back.
Think about the serenity prayer. Apply class and dignity to your dealings. Let go of things that aren't worth your time.
What would I do? I would ignore facebook and any idiocy that people post there about me and my family. If what he is posting is 100% wrong and is affecting my family's camping business in a material way that is provable, I would be very calm and engage a lawyer to write him a cease and desist letter that is very specific about the law he is breaking.
In most cases, anyone with a brain is going to know that what he is posting is the idiotic rantings of a love triangle, embarassing to witness and annoying to others, not believable. Most people assume there's more to the story...unless you demonstrate with your behavior that you are in fact volatile and childish.
If he's going to be picking up your child, and it's a long driveway, for your child's sake be a big enough person to let him up to the door. That's a far cry from welcoming him into your house. If you act like a reasonable person, you may get an opportunity to express your request that he stop posting about you...and he might listen.
I always look for where my bread is buttered. If someone is saying bad stuff behind my back, I get the most value from looking like such a better person that most people assume the other guy is an idiot...if I need to do something about it I do it in such a measured and logical way that I don't in fact prove the idiot right in that I'm crazy and unglued. The best revenge is living well and getting to the point where you just really don't care what those little people do. You're busy being awesome.
Your marriage is water under the bridge. Your best bet is to get used to reality and learn to manage your emotions and behavior. That doesn't mean stuff it and build resentment. It means grieve it, rant and rail until that's out of your system, and improve yourself until you can see that the past hurts were a crucible that you wouldn't even regret because it got you to a better place in your life.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
I would recommend you read what ADVINA has written above THEN reread it again THEN take it to heart and put it to action. If you do she will have saved you hundreds in counselling costs because she is spot on in her advice. Much of this is not rocket science, it's simply commonsense. The problem is quite often we let our emotions cloud our commonsense which causes us to not see what everyone else around us does see. Read the advice you are receiving here from several great posters and come out from the fog.
I don't understand why you continue to look at things so black and white. Conducting yourself with class and honor will in no way make passive with no fight.
For me, I found that conducting my life with class, honor, and dignity took far more strength than letting my emotions run wild. Acting so emotional is just too draining on my energy. There is a difference between strength and energy.
I used my not so good feelings to propel myself forward. Yes, I had some slip ups and backslides... but they became smaller and fewer between until I was moving steadily ahead.
Advina's advice is spot on for is happening now. Counseling is what is going to help you get over what was. The past is like an infection... it needs to be cut out and eradicated. Until you find out just what is sparking this deep seated anger inside you, you can not move ahead.
“Things turn out best for the people who make the best out of the way things turn out” ― Art Linkletter
