She left - 4

[gogofo]

What does "(kids)...were horrible" mean? Were they really horrible or were their behaviors not what you wanted?

Our youngest has what I would describe as panic attacks or something similar. At times he gets so upset and wound up he is completely inconsolable by anyone except me wife. It starts with him being tired and getting upset because things are not exactly the way he wants them. He is very particular about things, not OCD like, but he knows what he wants and does not want.

He will start by crying which turns into very hard sobbing where his breathing patterns are not normal. He will stiffen his body and kick and scream and spit. If I try to console him he will scream and spit and retreat into a corner all the while screaming NO! If I try and pick him up to hug him he escalates. I try to redirect him with a glass of water or to relax in his room or a lovey, anything, most of the time he does not accept any redirection from me.

He will even escalate his behavior to where at times he has cried so hard he has passed out. This hasn't happened in about a year, but was quite concerning.

The morning incident he was upset and wanted my wife but he didn't know what he wanted her to do, but knew when she wasn't doing it... which was everything. He was screaming at her, not words just screaming, and it was 5:30 in the morning. He started to have a fit and was extremely upset that she would not sit next to him and watch him eat breakfast. I offered to help him and sit with him, but he only got more upset.

Last night he had a bigger fit and was stiff bodied and screaming and kicking. This lasted about 10 to 15 minutes. He did not want anything to do with me, but I tried all sorts of things to try and take the burden off my wife. She is the only thing that can fix his mood at these times.

It is upsetting to me because he treat her like absolute sh!t. I have told her that if a random person treated her even half as bad and our youngest does there would be consequences. I am a supper calm person and he knows how to push my one button that escalates my anxiety.

Here is the kicker, he does not act like this all the time but only does it when the wife is around. He treats her like she is his property and she is the cause of and cure for all of his issues. He has my desire for things to be "right" or "correct" and her emotional range and can flip from extreme love and happiness to extreme anger and back again. So when he is upset it seems like there is only one thing that can help but cannot put his finger on it (my personality) so he is going to be screaming and crying and mad at any suggestion we make (her personality). He has the best and the worst of our personalities brought to the extreme during these situations.

During the last 4 months when he has been only with me I never see this behavior from him. She says she gets some sort of it daily, especially at bed time. Bed time for her is about a 30 to 45 minute process. For me I can get them both to sleep in 10 minutes without any complaining.

Truthfully I had assumed he had outgrown this behavior because I had not witnessed it. I was wrong and the previous feelings came back to me.

Did you and W agree in the past on parenting issues?

We did agree there were parenting issues in the past. I felt frustrated that our youngest wants nothing to do with me or my consoling actions when W is around. I would get frustrated and angry and at times spank him out of frustration. There were times when I would be working 12 to 14 hours a day, go to bed and have to deal with a two hour tantrum. I would be extremely tired and full of anxiety and spank to try and get some relief. We are not really "spanking" parents and my W would be exhausted and see my frustrated (which she said was unsettling as I am never like that) and she would feel she needed to protect him from me.

What we were doing was not working and I would get frustrated so I would not do anything with him during tantrums because I felt like I made things worse. So when they would occur I would let my W handle it. She felt like I just gave up and did not care anymore.

We talked about our feelings towards this situation and how our actions led the other person to get the wrong impression. I asked her what I could do that would show her that I cared etc. We came up with some ideas, but it is basically to keep trying and be up or actively participating when these tantrums occur, even if I am not "helping" him my participation will help her.