Back to basics

[LongRoad06]

Didn't seal backsplash. Why? Kidlet's bike trailer thing came in. On the first page of the instructions, it says "Ride your Weego in 45 minutes!" as a sort of time frame you might expect to put the thing together.

LIARS! ALL OF THEM.

2 hours later, a bunch of cussing, throwing of tools and a thunderstorm rolling in and drenching everything - it's put together.

Anyhow journaling...went home last night. Backslid the night before by getting into it with him. He pushed my buttons and I let him get to me. Today, walked in with a PMA, smiling, etc. Saw my kiddo and took her (he had watched her all day since the sitter was gone) and started fussing over her.

Got dressed, and took her running. Smiling, singing around the house to her etc. He initially had gone upstairs, but then came back down when I was playing with the kiddo. Started telling me about her day and whatnot. Said she had played a lot. Mondays are his poker nights, so he was leaving soon. I just left and went running. He didn't leave at his normal time, and I got back before he decided to go. He talked to me for a little bit longer about the kiddo, then asked if I had any cash on me.

I said no, but that I'd give him my debit card and he could go get $20 out and use it to play (we have separated finances.) He initially said no, but then accepted and went to the ATM to w/d cash and play poker.

I fussed with the kiddo, then gave her a bath and put her to bed. That's about the time I tackled the bike trailer deal. After that, cleaned up the kitchen, got all the trash together and set out for today, cleaned up the mess from the bike trailer and went to read. H texted me on the way home to make sure the doors were unlocked (he no longer has a key since he had said he was moving out a while ago.) I said both front and back were. He came back, needed to borrow toothpaste. I said sure, doesn't bother me. After that, he went to bed without a word.

Earlier when I had apologized for my actions the previous day, he said he accepted them, but could no longer deal with my "hate binges." I told him I understood, that I was sorry and that I didn't hate him. I said if I could go back and do things differently, that I would. I explained that I became frustrated with his actions on finances when it came to paying support, was extremely hurt by all of this.

He didn't reply. The previous day, he had brought up R and told me all the reasons why it would never work, and why we were too different and just "didn't get along." Same song and dance as before. He also keeps saying that if he stayed with me, we'd be dealing with his suicide. I just told him I was sorry I made him feel that way, and it wasn't my intention to do so.

I'm wondering if he's been in a MLC since 2012. That's when the first BD was dropped. He filed later that year. 2011, he threw it around in arguments.

We don't know how to communicate. At all. I'm going to have to learn, be it to co-parent or stay together for the marriage.

I have a DB coaching appointment this morning, and will ask her what she thinks. I also have an IC appointment to learn to control my anger (he knows what buttons to push) this afternoon, followed by going out to a friends house to get some plants for my yard. He knows I won't be home until later, but has yet to ask me about it. I'm preparing for that when I get back to the house, as it's his MO to ask as soon as I'm back. The plan is to say I had counseling (his biggest complaint was that I refused to get help...which is untrue) and then went to see a friend.