Back to basics

[LongRoad06]

I just want the verbal and emotional abuse to finally stop. He blocks doorways so I cant walk away. Telling him to leave or we can go to court is the only way I know to stop that behavior. All we were doing was talking finances. He got mad and told me child support was "stealing" his money...jerk.

I was out all day with the kiddo for Mothers Day. I did GAL, thrn came back to that.

Yeah...resentment and anger right now are at an all time high. Hes acting like a petulant child, why not treat him as such?

[LongRoad06]

And anger rears it's ugly head. I am working hard on this in counseling starting at tomorrow's appointment. I have annual training end of July into August. Kidlet is going with my dad and his wife to another state. Because he will not see her while shes there, I offered him the weekend prior to it. He declined so he could go on a vacation. He could have gone while she was in VA. Instead, he says there is nothing he can do. It means he won't see her for almost 5 weeks. He didn't even flinch when I mentioned it and shrugged it off.

I despise him right now. Its not healthy, but the fact he has torn apart three families, is griping about paying child support, griping he has to buy new furniture, griping how moving is costing him money....grrrr... YOU DID THIS TO YOURSELF BUDDY.

However, he is blaming me and my actions in our marriage for all of it. Going dark today unless it's an emergency with the kiddo as he has her all day (sitter out of town.) It's the only way I can stop being so angry. How can a 37 year old man act like a CHILD and be ok with it?!?!?!?!?!

[Georgiabelle]

Long,

I can relate to your entire post-most of us can. You must work on detachment to realize your h's gripes are his and his alone. I heard the "well I have to but new furniture" too. Internally, I was thinking " I would have liked to have a new couch but you never contributed. Suddenly, you've save enough to buy new furniture for your new life." After a while, the internal commentary subsides. My h told the kids he couldn't afford to get a deep clean for the interior of his car. You know who's problem that is? His. I tell the kids it's not their fault.

Just remind yourself to focus on you and your child. Enjoy your training. You can't change your h-only he can do that. Keep telling yourself that all decisions have consequences both good and bad. And again, you can only control your actions.

Try to live the best life you can. Truly take the high road and tell yourself each day you did the best you could and behave in a way that makes you proud of the way you conducted yourself for you and your child. Let your h deal with his issues. They are for him to own from start to finish.

[LongRoad06]

Thanks GB. He doesn't seem to think he has to face any consequences. His ENTIRE life, someone has always bailed him out...money, a place to stay etc. I even did it for him.

No more. He hasn't paid his student loans from last month. Not my problem. He has to pay a deposit on an apartment, plus get all the utilities set up, and assumed 100% of the joint CC debt that he needs to pay. Not my problem. He owes me again next week, plus half the bills for the time he is staying here. That is my problem, but I can remedy that with a court order if he decides not to pay. He's not going to see his kid much because of his decisions. Not my problem. He SAYS he has nowhere to go until June. Not my problem.

To top it all, he tells me I should have some empathy and compassion for his situation. Then asked me if he could still get a dependent ID card so he could get military discounts.

I can't even make this stuff up.

[Georgiabelle]

Long,

My h is the. same way. Parents always provided a safety net. Never worried about money because someone bailed him out. I did too. The entire m. H actually told me he couldn't deposit his support yet "because he had to pay his bills." I can tell you that not responding is the best response in many of these circumstances.

I, too, have been blamed for 12 years of misery. And while I certainly had things I needed to fix, I'm just not that powerful:). However, with each day you realize you want to be the best you possible and that you cannot fix or change your h. You can show your children strength in adversity and that relationships take work-and the work of 2 people.

Try not to let what your h says or does affect you. It's a process, however you will notice that what used to make you furious may make you chuckle or elicit not even a second thought. Be grateful to be you.

[LongRoad06]

Goals:

Today: seal backsplash. Possibly grout and be done with it! If not finish tmrw night.

This week: lay rock around flower beds on Thursday (delivered weds some time.) Pick up dog poop and mow yard. H has kidlet this weekend so I can finish up what isnt done at that point. Get to a pool this weekend.

Long term: anger management. Possibly start yoga. Divorce support group starts wednesday. Counseling tomorrow. Learn to stop letting him push my buttons. Be non reactive.

[LongRoad06]

Didn't seal backsplash. Why? Kidlet's bike trailer thing came in. On the first page of the instructions, it says "Ride your Weego in 45 minutes!" as a sort of time frame you might expect to put the thing together.

LIARS! ALL OF THEM.

2 hours later, a bunch of cussing, throwing of tools and a thunderstorm rolling in and drenching everything - it's put together.

Anyhow journaling...went home last night. Backslid the night before by getting into it with him. He pushed my buttons and I let him get to me. Today, walked in with a PMA, smiling, etc. Saw my kiddo and took her (he had watched her all day since the sitter was gone) and started fussing over her.

Got dressed, and took her running. Smiling, singing around the house to her etc. He initially had gone upstairs, but then came back down when I was playing with the kiddo. Started telling me about her day and whatnot. Said she had played a lot. Mondays are his poker nights, so he was leaving soon. I just left and went running. He didn't leave at his normal time, and I got back before he decided to go. He talked to me for a little bit longer about the kiddo, then asked if I had any cash on me.

I said no, but that I'd give him my debit card and he could go get $20 out and use it to play (we have separated finances.) He initially said no, but then accepted and went to the ATM to w/d cash and play poker.

I fussed with the kiddo, then gave her a bath and put her to bed. That's about the time I tackled the bike trailer deal. After that, cleaned up the kitchen, got all the trash together and set out for today, cleaned up the mess from the bike trailer and went to read. H texted me on the way home to make sure the doors were unlocked (he no longer has a key since he had said he was moving out a while ago.) I said both front and back were. He came back, needed to borrow toothpaste. I said sure, doesn't bother me. After that, he went to bed without a word.

Earlier when I had apologized for my actions the previous day, he said he accepted them, but could no longer deal with my "hate binges." I told him I understood, that I was sorry and that I didn't hate him. I said if I could go back and do things differently, that I would. I explained that I became frustrated with his actions on finances when it came to paying support, was extremely hurt by all of this.

He didn't reply. The previous day, he had brought up R and told me all the reasons why it would never work, and why we were too different and just "didn't get along." Same song and dance as before. He also keeps saying that if he stayed with me, we'd be dealing with his suicide. I just told him I was sorry I made him feel that way, and it wasn't my intention to do so.

I'm wondering if he's been in a MLC since 2012. That's when the first BD was dropped. He filed later that year. 2011, he threw it around in arguments.

We don't know how to communicate. At all. I'm going to have to learn, be it to co-parent or stay together for the marriage.

I have a DB coaching appointment this morning, and will ask her what she thinks. I also have an IC appointment to learn to control my anger (he knows what buttons to push) this afternoon, followed by going out to a friends house to get some plants for my yard. He knows I won't be home until later, but has yet to ask me about it. I'm preparing for that when I get back to the house, as it's his MO to ask as soon as I'm back. The plan is to say I had counseling (his biggest complaint was that I refused to get help...which is untrue) and then went to see a friend.

[LongRoad06]

I also feel like I need to mention this:

H and his mother have an interesting dynamic. His mother is the scum of the earth. She divorced H's dad because he didn't make enough. Started running around in circles with bankers, CPA's etc. Married a really rich guy 20 years older than she was. Got enough $$ out of him, and started hiding things in boxes in a spare closet he never used. I'm talking soap, towels, dishes etc. Just up and left one day. JUST LIKE H DID. Didn't tell the guy, just filed and left.

His mother and I have NEVER gotten along. We had a miscommunication issue (on my end, I apologized profusely) and right after that, she told me if I wasn't with her son, she'd never have anything to do with me. Holidays - she would ignore me to the point we'd just leave the family get together because she was being that way.

Well, after she found out I was pregnant, ALL OF A SUDDEN she wants to be nice, friendly. But it's because she wanted something - to see her first grandchild. I refused. I said until she apologized profusely, she wouldn't be within earshot of my child. She would apologize, but then say she's not sure what she is apologizing for. So to date, my kiddo is almost a year old and she has not seen her.

That said, H had told me she WOULD see her, and he would make sure of it. I said over my dead body. This is the woman who treated her sons as pawns in her chess games, called them a**holes when they were under 10, etc. etc. There's no way that woman is getting around my daughter.

Well H continued to send her pictures, talk to her etc. to my chagrin. But he says he doesn't like her and wants nothing to do with her. The thing that [censored], is he DOES, and he is JUST. LIKE. her in a lot of ways. When he doesn't like someone or they hurt him, he treats them like dirt. There are some people that he had just met that he treats like they are inferior. He uses people. There are times he's just not a good person.

He admitted the other day, that he told his L his mother is a majority of the reason we argue, and a majority of the reason this M has fallen apart. The reason he told her is because I said, that in our agreement, until my kid is 18, his mother will not be allowed anywhere near her. He agreed to this. He told her that on Friday, and she's refused to speak to him since then.

Anyhow, that's a big part of the sitch I think I omitted, though not for any reason other than I just started comparing the similarities between he and his mother.

[Georgiabelle]

Long Road,

Those toy instructions are quite deceptive aren't they?

I wanted to touch on something. Suicide is a very serious topic and unfortunately I've known people who have attempted or taken their own lives. I do not want to be minimize the severity of the issue of suicide. How horrible that some people feel that is the only way to escape their pain. However, for your h to say if he stayed you would be dealing with his suicide is depression talking and horrible for him to insinuate you would cause him to do so. That comment made me cringe and my h said something similar. Beyond disrespectful IMHO even though I know that is depression talking. You can't fix his issues. He has to want to address them. I hope I did not offend anyone with this.

I would not have given him the $$ to go play poker. Perhaps others will disagree. I just feel like people in MLC may behave like children, however I think enabling the behavior is bad. Again, just my opinion.

Focus on you. Don't engage. Hang in there!

[LongRoad06]

As far as that goes: He did pay me back at the end of the night, and said "thank you." Had I not offered, he would have accused me of doing things out of spite. That's his FAVORITE line - that I do things to him out of spite. Although I have done some spiteful things in the past, just because I go against him does NOT mean I'm doing something out of spite.

He has cash, but has no access to it as his debit card has not come in for that account. I guess that is also not my problem.

As far as the suicide things...I do not think he would ever do it. He is too narcissistic for that (ie: "What would everyone think of what I had done? I can't have them thinking of me in a bad way.") I will keep that in mind if he does mention it again, though.

The more I read about MLC, the more I think this is replay...but I don't know. I'm going to copy and paste from this thread and talk to my DB Coach about it:

MLC resource

#1: MLC'ERS WILL OFTEN VIEW THEIR LBS AND THEMSELVES AS ONE PERSON

Yep, I'm the source of his unhappiness

Depression sign #2: MLC'ERS ARE UNABLE TO SUSTAIN AND MAINTAIN RELATIONSHIPS AS WELL AS RESOLVE RELATIONSHIP PROBLEMS.

His longest relationship before me was a grand total of three months long. He never could keep anyone around, or broke up with them because they "weren't right for him."

#3: MLC'S HAVE DEPENDENT PERSONALITIES.

My biggest complaint was that I was a mother to two children, not just one.

#4: ML'ERS ARE UNABLE TO SHOW EMOTIONAL SUPPORT

He thinks I am the cause of all his problems in life. He has "fixed" any issues he had - which is far from the case

#5: ML'ERS ARE EXTREME ATTENTION SEEKERS

He always sought out attention from me and always had this NEED for people to like him. He accused me of being the one needing and soliciting attention

#6: ML'ERS ARE SELF-CENTERED

Pretty obvious that right now, they don't care about anyone else other than themselves

#7: ML'ER'S ARE UNABLE TO TRUST

Although he SAYS he trusts me, he does the "I hate you don't leave me" song and dance all the time. If he's going to leave, he wants to be the one to leave. Me suggesting we take a break to cool off and reapproach things is me leaving him, and therefore not trusting me.

#8: ML'ERS ARE UNABLE TO HANDLE STRESS

When his job is going well, it's going well. When it's not, he comes home in moods.

#9: ML'ERS REWRITE HISTORY

I cannot count how many times he's told me I am recalling things incorrectly.

#10: MOST ML'ERS HAVE AFFAIRS

EA's were prevalent in the beginning. I honestly do not think he has a need for one right now. I have access to phone records, and that's a downfall of mine.

#11: ML'ERS ARE CONTROL FREAKS

DING. FREAKING. DONG. He is also BPD, which is the king of control freaks. He cannot stand to lose control over me or his life

#12: ML'ERS HAVE EXTREME ANGER/RAGING/SPEWING

He does this when he loses control. See above as well. A big component of BPD

#13: ML'ERS ARE INDIFFERENT

He could care less about all of this. he is an extremely selfish individual, and doesn't care what this is doing to his family, my family or my daughter and I. All his concerns are with "his happiness."

#14: ML'ERS CAN BE NARCISSISTIC

Oh, yeah. He tells me all the time that he's right "a lot of the time" and that "makes you jealous." LOL WHAT?

#15: ML'ERS MAKE POOR DECISIONS

Money? Yes. Life? Yep. Job? Yes.

#16: ML'ERS ARE POOR MONEY MANAGERS

Was in a large amount of debt from prior to marriage. Is now behind on bills as I stopped paying them.

#17: MOST ML'ERS ARE ABUSIVE

Verbally and emotionally big time.

I'll post more later.