With All My Hopes and Dreams

[soldier]

Thanks Nettles. As always you have helped me to keep things in a better perspective. I have been one hundred percent honest about everything thus far within my sitch and often quote email verbatim and sometimes it takes an outside set of eyes to show you what is right under your nose. My sister said something very similar to what you had wrote and she didn’t even know as much as you do about the sitch. She simply said that W had not filed yet and if she really wanted to she would have. It is obvious that something is still keeping her from pulling the trigger so for that I am thankful. I know W is not ready to trust me right now and this will take quite some time to gain back. I agree with you that Patience is my only answer right now.

On the GAL front I am now only 4 pounds away from a total weight loss of 50 pounds and all the guys at work have told me I am looking really in shape. I started jogging a while back and am quickly building up my lug capacity to the point where I am sitting at about 2 miles at a time right now. I bought some kind of a vaporizing e cigarette so that I could finish kicking the smoking habit I picked back up after W left. I signed up for a 5k fun run at the end of the month called the Neon Dash which is a night run where everyone gets covered in this glow in the dark paint and runs around. I found a club that does hiking all around my area and it is free. You just show up and hike. I started lifting weights again to get some better arm muscles. Lastly I found a mixed martial arts gym literally down the street from me and they specialize in Gracie style Brazilian Jiu Jitsu. When I was in the military I took the level 1 Army combative program which uses many of the same techniques as the Gracie Jiu Jitsu and I got to be fairly good at it. I use to go to open mat events and test out my skill level and rarely did I loose. I thought that getting back into this, now that I am getting into shape, might help to rekindle that old me that I lost somewhere.

I have an IC session tonight and I hope to talk more about dealing with anger as I think I have closed off most of my emotions to the point that anger was the only one I would allow out. As a result I think that whenever I felt something other than anger I would always manifest it as anger instead of what was really going on inside. I have been working hard to learn to understand all of my other feelings and manifest them appropriately but this is still very hard and I think better anger management would help to aid in this.

Nettles if you read this and don’t mind sharing could you tell me what the class you signed up for is about. I can’t remember the name of the class but it was something like a battery intervention. I was wondering if this might also be a good thing for me or not.