I'm Just About Ready For The Fork

[tadpole1025]

Hello all. Here is my last thread:

Stuff From My World

Thought that it was time for a new thread. I'm probably going to get smacked around a bit, but I really needed to come here and journal for a while.

It is almost 4AM here in Phoenix. I'm still up because I quit my taxi job tonight. I couldn't do it anymore. I've been a little skittish ever since last week when I had a passenger shoving knives in my face from the back seat. He was "showing" them to me, but I think he was trying to freak me out. He kept leaning up towards the front seat and "showing" me how fast his switch blades were. He'd say "Look!!! Pretty quick huh?" He'd then sit back in his seat for a while before doing it again....and again....and again. It was scary. We were quite far from town and he could have easily put one or both of them into my neck and left me to die. It freaked me out quite a bit. I've been a little jumpy ever since then when someone rough looking gets into the cab. I don't have a violent bone in my body and wouldn't know how to defend myself if I had to. Plus, I wasn't making any money. I was lucky to bring home 20 or 30 dollars profit after a 12-hour shift. Tonight, I actually lost money. I'm spending all day tomorrow applying for something else.

I have a dollar bill and 72 cents in my pocket. My bank account has a negative balance of $44.00 I'm so thankful that most of the boys are working, but they can't help me out forever and I wouldn't expect them to.

I've had a very rough few days. XW has been on my mind A LOT these past few days and for the life of me I can't figure out why. It's not in a good way or a bad way....she's just been in my head a lot. Almost missing her. It's very strange. I've even admitted to my boys and my friend that was here recently that I finally felt like I was almost over her. I've been doing so well as far as she goes, but as I said, she's been in my head a lot the last few days. Probably more in the last week than in the past 6 months. I don't know what is happening. Setback? I don't know. For the first time since 1986, she did not see any of her boys for Mother's Day.

Speaking of Mother's Day, I actually forgot to call my stepmom. That's the first time that's EVER happened. I did call her today though.

My little ratties are starting to show their age. It makes me sad. I love them so much and I know they love me too. If they hear my voice, they go nuts and want out of their cage. They're so cute. (I know. Rats aren't supposed to be cute because they are rats, but I think they are adorable. They are my little baby girls.) I have pics of them on my FB page.

I'm also starting to get very p!ssed off at myself. I've been on this journey for about 3 and a half years and my financial situation hasn't gotten any better. If anything, it is worse. I've gone through four jobs in three and a half years. Three and a half years and I'm still posting here. Pathetic.

Back in 2001, I found God. My grandmother was sick and then 9/11 happened. My grandmother died less than three weeks later. She had breast, bone and brain cancer. Never smoked a day in her life. God, I miss her. I'd give anything to talk to her right now. Anyways, I think I was happiest when I was close to God. Our relationship started to go South I think when my little brother killed himself. I know that I should probably get close to him again, but I can't. Not right now. I just can't. Even though I've been told over and over that God didn't make any of this happen, I still wonder. I just wonder. I wonder what the Hell I did. I thought I did everything right. I just wonder if I forgot something along the way. I know...bad things just happen, but....I can't help but wonder. My Bible is on my nightstand collecting dust. I haven't touched it since I sat it there the day we moved in here back in January of 2012. Almost afraid too.

S19 asked me yesterday how exactly his mother told me she was leaving. I told him the truth. We were watering the rose bushes and she just blurted it out. I think he almost doubted me at first. He said: "Just like that? Just so casually?" Yep, just like that.

I feel like I am at the point...the breaking point. Not sure how much longer I can keep going like this. If my finances would improve, it would help a lot. I just don't have experience with ANYTHING but radio. It is all I've done since I was 19. I know nothing else and that makes it very hard to get a job. I went to school to learn radio, commercial production, voice techniques, music, everything I needed to know and was actually lucky to have the career that I had. Now....here I sit. 46 years old and nothing in front of me. No career and no skills for a new one.

I'm slowly starting to enjoy music again. Not all of it, but a little at a time.

I took Wonka's advice and called my friend to let him know that I was still interested in the job. He says not to give up hope. They've just been really busy preparing for a couple of big shows that they have coming up. I'll let everyone here know what the job is once I get it. (I don't want to jinx it.)

Tomorrow, after I complete some applications, I'm going to see if I can get into the next Divorce Care group. Hopefully, I can start over from the beginning and attend all of the classes. Come to think of it, I could use quite a few do-overs.

I need a change. A big one...

Tad