hope456 - accepting my new reality

[hope456]

Thanks all for the advice re: whether to mention to H that D keeps mentioning that he is coming back in 4 months. I will not share that with him now. If she mentions it again, I'll tell her that she should talk to Daddy about it.

25 - Thank you for your insightful post. I have answers to some and need to keep thinking on some.

Not so random--Question: What's his r with his mother, like?

H is pretty close to his mom. We spent lots of time with his mom, stepdad, and younger brother and sister when we lived in his home state (for 8 years). When he was younger, they did have some difficulty. After a particular incident when he was 15/16, his mom sent him 1,000 miles away to live with his dad, who had really been a minimal part of his life up to that point. I know that my H felt abandoned/cast aside by that. Interestingly, H and I had a long talk about our childhoods not long after he moved out. We have some definite parallels. When we were talking about our uninvolved parents (my mom, his dad), he mentioned how lucky I was to have my dad. He went on to say that my dad was different than his mom. He said that his mom wasn't around a whole lot when he was a kid, until she got remarried and that she wasn't as nurturing as my dad was. If I had to guess, I would say that his mom wasn't around a whole lot because she was working all the time trying to make ends meet. She worked as a waitress and H's dad paid no child support (though he could definitely afford it). Of course, as a 5, 6, 7 year old child, all H would have seen was that neither of his parents were there.

Sooo, back to your Mystery Sparks...

What are your GAL activities? I'm asking for a reason.

Are any of the GAL you are doing/planning, NOT about being a parent or in a group of moms? See where I"m going with this??

I think I see where you're going. If I'm around other people-OM's-even if I'm not interested in dating them, it helps H see that there is a possibility that I will move on and not be there waiting for him; it creates competition. I was thinking of signing up for a kickboxing class, but have been too chicken (I'm SOOO afraid of it). I think that is probably a good GAL activity for me. I need to think about this some more. I live in the suburbs of a very large metropolitan area, so there is no "nothing to do" excuse available for me.

In your case, what I am hearing is your h cares for you in a deep friendship type of way, but that's not marriage material unless both parties agree. That's not the case here.
He needs to worry about losing you, which would come about either by you being distant with him, (which can be seen as punitive, Unless it's pulled off well w/PMA), AND OR by the attention of OM...or the idea of it, sinking in...

Make sense?

Yup, definitely makes sense. He thinks (he!!, I've told him) that I'm here waiting for him to figure his stuff out. Right now, he has no fear of losing me. This does confuse me about whether or not I should try to maintain the friendship with him that he wants. First, I value his friendship. Truly. It is so hard for me not to call him with all the silly, trivial, little stuff of my day (both good and bad). Second, my H has felt abandoned repeatedly in his life (dad repeatedly, mom not present, mom sent him away). I have no interest in being yet another person who abandons him. I know that he's hurting. I also know that it isn't my job to fix him. I'm not trying to fix him. I just don't know how not to be there for him when he needs me. On the other hand, I wonder if being his friends prevents him from feeling any sign of loss and is, therefore, counterproductive to my goal.

So, What are his Love Languages? If you are not familiar with it, there is a book about how we each GIVE love and how we each RECEIVE love, which are often not the same. I may show love by giving compliments, but do not take words of affirmation well...or don't "really hear" them, etc. Perhaps I really want time with someone, attention from them, so my "love language would be "quality time"...
So I think the book "Five Love Languages" is well worth reading and reflecting upon (skimming it makes it seem obvious and superficial, but it's more subtle /complex than that. Besides, once you use those tools, you can improve the r you have with your h, regardless of his later choices...)

I wonder if your h wants to receive love in a way he does not give it...??

I actually just bought this book last week and haven't read it yet. I'll move it to the top of the stack. H has taken the quiz, so I know that his primary LL for receiving love are words of affirmation and quality time. I'm guessing here, but I think he gives love through words of affirmation and gifts. I'm good at neither giving nor receiving words of affirmation...It has been one of my 180's. I think because his primary LL is WOA, any time I was critical was doubly bad. Does that make sense? It really is no wonder that there is distance in our M. Both of us have quality time as our second LL (with a very close score to our primary) and we were really spending very little time together, other than as parents.

Hang in there, and remember, 1) You can turn your pain/marriage over to God for awhile, and let Him carry the load, so you can

2) Get SPARKS & MYSTERY (mystery itself tends to create a lot of sparks...)

b/c you're not just the mother of his child.

You are a DESIRABLE WOMAN, whom HE once fell in love with....hey, what was SHE like?

Thank you for the reminder, 25. I'm trying to find her again. And I'm praying, a lot.