Looking up at the mountain ahead

[Train]

Because I have a particular set of skills . . . acquired over a lifetime . . . and if you do forget about us, I WILL find you, and I WILL kill you.
Once you find me, let's sit down and have a drink first, mmmkay? I adore you, sincerely, Starsky. I could never leave now. I have too many BFFs here. Lol.

Love this thread, so happy for you Train!!! you handled the situation with so much dignity & its really admirable.
Awwww, thank you so much, Upwards!!!

I swear I feel I may be taking hits in the "dignity" department recently. Lol. I am battling A LOT of demons. I guess that's to be expected. I have up days and down days. Up MOMENTS and down moments. I feel so much differently than how I felt when H came home from the 1st A in early 2006. Back then, all I wanted was my H back. I didn't think about actively changing the dynamics of our M. I didn't think about looking back ... or looking ahead.

I know that sounds like I'm rambling. And I pretty much am. My thoughts and fears are swirling around like CRAZY in there. It occurred to me yesterday that so much of what I love, my H hates. I love my home for its character and charm. He hates it because it's historic and requires too much upkeep. I love yard work and gardening. My H hates working in the yard. He wants a townhome rental with no yard work. If we do that, I'm losing my yard work and my gardening, two things I love dearly. The inside of my home looks like it stepped off a freaking Pinterest page ... I have a built-in cabinet used exclusively for my fabric ... all folded perfectly and color-coordinated. I have a custom desk for my four sewing machines in that room ... also pretty much "built-in," thanks to my H's amazing carpentry skills. I LOVE painting furniture, and I have pieces that I bought specifically for use in this house. I paint and distress and antique-stain picture frames and cover photo mat boards with cute fabric. I painted a design on my curtains, which I sewed custom for my windows. I made my own lampshades. I have artwork everywhere. Handmade goodness everywhere. I JUST finished painting my hallway/stairway light grey and was planning a "you are my sunshine" theme. H bought me a piece of sunshine-yellow furniture for it for our anniversary. If I move into a rental, not only can I not plant plants or garden the way I like, I likely won't be able to paint the inside of my "home" the way I want. Will I even be able to put holes in the walls to hang pictures? I only have a million of them! And I HATE carpet! I have hardwoods and LOVE them! Am I going to have to give them up? And what will carpet do to our family's already-terrible allergies?!? But H? The guy with the allergies? He LOVES carpet and hates hardwoods. He even likes that disgusting carpet powder crap that gives ME headaches!

And then there are my dogs. I have two boxers. They are my "security team," and my H knows why it's so important to me to have them. When he isn't home, they make me feel secure. But he doesn't like dogs; never really has. He thinks I should just be able to "get rid of them." And if I move into a rental, chances are I'll *have* to.

It seems to try to make my H happy, I'm having to get rid of SO much that makes ME happy. And it seems awfully unfair.

Then I think: But I was going to have to do that ANYWAY when H and I were living separate. Financially, he literally forced me out of my home and into a rental. But now that he's back in our marital home, it's a jagged pill. We have the money to stay here until D16 graduates next year. Would he have to continue working two jobs - the very thing that led to the breakdown of our M? Yes. But he can scale back BIG TIME on the hours he spent at his second job, and he's willing to do that. I don't know that he's 100% ready to leave that job anyway. We've struck an interesting balance with that: he goes in a few times a week, and I'll go spend time with him there at least once a week. It seems to work okay. But the thing is: if he quits his career for a different career, even if we squeeze our family into a small apartment, he's likely going to have to work two jobs while I'm still a SAHM. We're danged if we do and danged if we don't.

I know I want out eventually, but we've both decided we'll stay in town for D16's senior year, after she expressed that's what she wants us to do. Neither of us want her to feel we are abandoning her during such an important time of her life. (As an aside: is it "neither of us WANT her to feel we are abandoning her" ... or "neither of us WANTS her to feel ..." Omg. Do y'all see how freaking CRAZY I've become??!??? Help! )

But will it be detrimental to our M to stay here when we both want to move? Should I leave this house and find a rental somewhere close by? Do I REALLY want to go through all the trouble of moving a few streets over for ONE YEAR just to get out of the house that causes friction between H and me? Can I deal with the triggers of this town for another year? If I stay in this house, at least I won't have to deal with ONE trigger ... and that is the stigma that I feel would be attached if I walk away and the house goes into foreclosure, which is where I'm currently headed.

Aaaaaaaack! There are TOO many questions and uncertainties. And I'm angry because I feel like I had made up my mind a few weeks ago, when H was still wayward. I felt good about where I was going, considering I was being forced to make the changes.

Now? H and I keep having the same conversation. It always starts with him asking, "So what are we doing?" And we end the conversation the same way we ended it the time before: with no answers.

Yesterday, I had a BAD day. Let me backtrack: A few days ago, when H was at his second-shift job, he texted me and said: "Just a heads up: my ex-GF messaged me on FB. I had friended her when I had left you. It's all good. I'll show you the conversation." Apparently, he friended her in April and sent her a message on April 28. She didn't respond until the other day. (This is the ex-GF right before me.) When H got home, he handed me his phone for me to read the exchange. They had been messaging back and forth, apologizing to each other for some of the things they had done to each other during their relationship. H was telling her that our M "has had its ups and downs." And then he called her "kid," and I put his phone down and went ape-sh!t. I was like: "Really?!? You're home from an A for a week, and you're already messaging a person of the opposite sex - and your ex-flame of three years, no less - about your M? Do you NOT FREAKING GET IT?!????" He said he'd been giving a lot of thought to our upcoming counseling sessions, and he's trying to figure out when he became the person who "escapes." He said a lot of it went back to her, so he felt that her messaging him when she did was more than coincidence. He said, in a nutshell, he needed to make peace with that before he could go on to try to discover himself. He was looking to her for answers about HIM, I guess. Still, I went to bed FUMING mad, without being able to bring myself to read the rest of the messages. (Thankfully, she lives in a different state. Is it awful that I'm being thankful for at least THAT??)

H said: "Honey, please keep going. Please see how I tell her you're my wife and I love you at the end." I couldn't do it. I wanted to puke. He apologized. I slept off most of my anger and didn't bring it up again.

So back to yesterday: for no apparent reason, I just got really, really mad. I think it's because it was Mother's Day, and I usually spend the day outside, planting plants and working in the yard. All I could do - considering I don't know if I'll be here for long - was mow the grass this Mother's Day. And I push-mowed. Meanwhile, H was mumbling under his breath - as always - about yard work, even though he's on a riding mower, holding a Corona, while I was sweating my a$s off, push-mowing. I think that's what set me off.

H and the kids had taken me out for brunch before I started working in the yard. And he planned a dinner for just the two of us last night. On the way to dinner, I came unglued. I lost my temper and let out A LOT of things that had been building up. I told H that I'm not sure if we ARE compatible, which is what HE said when he left. I told him I'm tired of feeling I have to sacrifice almost EVERYTHING that brings me happiness on what appears to be a fruitless venture for HIM to find happiness. I cried. And I talked through a beautiful dinner he had planned for me. Like, I started talking on the ride there (it was just the two of us), and I spewed so much ... and for so long ... that we completely missed dinner.

And my H sat there and listened to me. He took it like a man. For probably the first time ever. He got mad, and admitted that, but he said he was mad at himself. He told me today he is "scared and confused" after everything I had to say last night, but he said he was very happy I had finally gotten so much built-up anger off my chest.

Things were better today. We finished moving everything out of his apartment. I started calculating in my head the expense of this most recent mistake of his ... until I realized I was growing angry. And the fact is: it's spent. No point whining over it now. So I dropped that before I even said anything to H about it, and I moved on. I grilled out tonight ... I kicked myself for missing my dinner last night. (H had taken me for oysters, which are my favorite; even though he doesn't eat them, he shucks them for me once he's finished eating his own dinner. Ha.) I REALLY hate I missed it. Because I'm REALLY in the mood for them now.

I need to re-center. The best place to do that is here. So here I am. And I'm feeling better already. THIS is why I won't be going anywhere this time; y'all can't get rid of me THAT easily.

I think I need to re-read my books and pay close attention to the after-the-affair parts. I skimmed those when I read them while H was wayward because, well, who wants to read about reconciliation when it seems like a distant (im)possibility? So I need to reread HNHN and DR, at least. Probably "Not Just Friends," too.

If any of you have some insight into how you handled this delicate dance of trying to reconcile while also trying to deal with feelings of anger and confusion and frustration and - yes - sometimes hopelessness, I'd love to hear all about it. And even if you haven't reconciled, any advice on how to keep my composure and stay solution-focused in the moments I want to punch my H in the throat would be valued.

Thank you all! <3