Newbie - bf suddenly left after 9 years

[25yearsmlc]

Well. let me explain a little bit where I'm coming from:

I was married for 24 years. My ex cheated on me in the first year of our marriage. I forgave him, took him back. We went on to have a largely good marriage and three kids.

Then when the kids were in their teens, he cheated on me again. Through the lessons I learned on this board, I was able to save our marriage at that time; in fact, we went on to have several more excellent years - until he approached 50 and went into full midlife crisis. I was unable to save the marriage that time and am now divorced in my 50's.

It was very traumatic for my children. And what I realized was, when I took my husband back the first time, I knew I was taking a risk - but didn't realize that I was also taking a BIG risk that my CHILDREN would have to pay for.

There were "red flags" about my husband's behavior from the beginning - I just chose to ignore them. I wish I hadn't. (And to be honest, it sounds like my ex and I were much better matched in terms of goals than you and your BF).

So, my advice to young unmarried people who come here is: this is not a situation that calls for "standing" very often. Your BF is showing you what he's made of. If you DO take him back at some point, DON'T do it too easily - make him see a counselor and do the work and prove himself to you.

Imagine yourself ten years from now, perhaps with a child with a serious illness or disability - is your BF really the kind of person you could count on when things get difficult?

(Oh - and in case you are wondering - I've been divorced now for five years. When my ex left I learned to play the drums and now play in two bands. I have a thriving business of my own, a nice new house, and a tall dark and handsome boyfriend who treats me like a queen. )

My advice to you would be VERY different if this were a marriage (I know it felt like one, perhaps, but my dear friend, it wasn't.) And there are no children, so my advice completely aligns with KML's, and btw, I reconciled with my h.

If we were to have another "episode" or crisis or whatever the heck it was, I would NOT endure it again. It's a one time deal for me b/c it harms the children far more than you realize...and while forgiveness is mandatory in any successful m, a "repeat offense" is a pattern...

I see no indication that your bf wants to change in any realistic healthy way.

So what you see is what you get. With YOUR situation, I'd never want to have a child with your bf. He's not nearly mature or strong enough to help raise a child.
If having a child is on your "to do" list in life, he's not the one.

I apologize for what I'm about to say but from where I sit, (& I'm in a 30+ year m, and a functioning marriage--work in progress, etc.---)

I say cut your losses. I actually think you may someday believe this guy did you a huge favor, but right now your heart & ego are too wounded to see that. I understand this.

My sister and her xh had a wonderful marriage for awhile, he had some great traits...but he was essentially self centered and mercurial as well. When depressed, it was rarely admitted and always seen as caused by an external factor/person.

He cheated on my sister and she took him back and they went to counseling (the kind that actually helped.) They had a 3rd child and a good few more years, but he cheated again...& wanted a D.

it scarred the kids and broke my sister's heart. But deep down even THEN, I knew he had done her a favor. I just didn't know how long it would take before my sister realized it. Took about 2 years...

And she really didn't realize how lucky she was (though she liked the Decrease in home tension right when he left...) UNTIL she met OM.

She married OM, and her "new" h (11 years now) really gets her. He Loves her personality, her idiosyncrasies, he does not think she is "too heavy", which I think her ex always believed no matter what she weighed...

She told me that "now that [she] knows what it's like to be THE priority, [she'd] "never go back" to what she and her x had...Wow...

It hurt the kids but SHE is way better off than if she'd remained with him. As much as divorce horrifies me, I was just hoping he'd either change (NOT going to happen) or she'd meet someone else, which would Not have happened if he had stayed. She's just not the cheating type so yeah, he did her a favor.

She's happier now than if he'd stayed...and imo, you will be as well. I rarely say this,but that's how I see your situation.

You don't have kids with him. You have no commitment and he's not so "promising" a catch.

Don't bother ruminating too much about WHY he did this. There are no GOOD answers that will satisfy you...trust me on that, it's a huge waste of time and time asking, and life are SHORT.
In short,

Decide what role you played in the demise of the r, IF ANY, and learn from it. Then let that go and move forward...

Make the best of yours and move on...and come here to vent or to "figure out" that, which is not really "figurable..."

Hope this helps. I know it's very painful at the moment...but it does get better.

(( ))