Wife in MLC and getting ready to go #2

[cat04]

Matt,

I want to start by saying that I am sorry that you felt a comment that was not directed at you was offensive.

I am a bit of a realist. We live in a world where the ism's exist. Sexism, racism, religious ism's, and they are not all bad things.

I live in the South. I was raised in the North. Very different cultures. Down here, men open doors and step aside for women (whether they know them or not) because it is what they do. Up North, that is not as common a practice. When I first moved, I thought of it negatively. I was offended by the practice. As I have lived here, I have learned that it simply is a courtesy. Based in sexist beliefs.

Just part of life.

Another part of life, is that people really do change. At their core sometimes. It isn't always fair and it isn't always right and it can hurt those around them. It is what it is.

I read your post to TVS. I am sorry that you had a difficult weekend. How difficult it was is primarily on you though. Instead of enjoying and celebrating your D's triumphs, you allowed the sitch and how different it was from what you had always thought it would be cloud your experience.

That is one of the reasons that we are taught to detatch. My S has had so many achievements. Achievements that my X and I spent untold money and time helping our S work towards. The greatest one came this past winter. It could have been bittersweet because I was unable to celebrate it with his father like I always thought I might, but that was simply not a thought in my mind. When I received the call, I screamed and laughed and jumped for joy, shared the news with my BF, and then texted my X, then called both of my parents.

It wasn't MY achievement. Nor my X's achievement. It was my S's achievement and it was something I was able to enjoy for him. And I was able to be grateful that it was something I was able to assist him with.

It's ok to not enjoy your FIL. No one says you have to spend time with him. However, I wonder how much pressure you put on your W to not spend time with him, now and in the past.

Another fact of life, you don't have to like him. He is her father though and if she wants a relationship with him, that is on her.

One of my uncle in laws very much disliked his FIL. And that led to him never taking a family vacation with his W and children that involved FIL. He accepted that his W wanted a relationship with her father and he didn't and he chose not to allow it to be a point of contention in their M.

Matt, you need to find a way to deal with all of the negative emotions and thoughts you have. If you can't, even if your W comes out of her fog, she may feel that she made the right choice.

The people here posting to you, have all been in situations that are very similar to yours. We have all had those negative feelings. The disappointment. The confusion. The sense of loss, the anger, and the frustration.

The biggest difference is that many of them are on the other side now, or are working towards that other side. Where they have learned to identify and do more of what works for them and their lives and less of what doesn't so that they can be happy regardless of their marital status.

I suggest you think long and hard about what Mach posted to you. He has incredible insight. One thing he doesn't want for anyone that comes here is for them to remain stuck in the mire and muck. Regardless of what you might think at this point in time.

Good luck Matt.