TMAK2, You are not making excuses for the behavior that our mlcing spouses are exhibiting. If anything, you are attempting to turn the light bulb on for many people. You see, people just don't understand how a spouse that has been kind, loving and responsible for 20+ years can go out there and just flip to another personality We have been attempting to explain the dynamics behind the personality change and hopefully, w/your help, we can at least turn the light bulbs on a bit. TMAK2, there is a book that I have found, from a web site that Sting posted on my thread, that will turn the light bulb on for all readers. The Jim Conway books only touch the surface of mlc. The book that I am currently reading, and hope to finish today, is the most descriptive and thorough book on mlc that I have read in the last 4 years. It is called "Understanding The Mid-Life Crisis" by Peter O'Connor. He talks about the exercising, sexathons, the anger, the search for self, the trying of different things for self-healing, the depression, the withdrawal, the what ifs they ask themselves, the fantasies that they play out, etc. And one thing that I had suspected for a while but never posted--the jealousy over their own teenager children while they are both going through their own individual identity crisis. This book is not a piece of fluff, but a very important document that required much research. I believe it will help you in better understanding what your h is going through. This book will cost (US funds) $6.95 and it is well worth every penny. I also have a book of his that deals w/moving into your 50's. I'm getting ready to begin that one this coming week. I got both books off of the Amazon site. TMAK2, please keep posting. You've got a good head on your shoulders and have a good balance in your life. Your son will be your main mentor in understanding your h's depression. Again, thank you for assisting in turning the light bulb on! The sharing of such information will help others to better understand that their spouses didn't want this to happen nor are they having the time of their lives out there, i.e., there is much pain involved in the crisis.
Jaycee, We all have had the question about why they turn to the OW/OM instead of us. Well, after reading O'Connor's book, I have a better understanding of why they talk to someone else. You see, they are feeling confused and very unsure of themselves at this time, therefore, they don't feel comfortable relating their feelings to their spouses. They think that we will not understand and will not empathize with them. They think we will say shape up, the garbage needs to be put out or that we will poo poo their feelings and tell them to get a grip. The other person will sit and listen to their fears and their complaints and will not be hurt by what they have to say. The other person will validate their thoughts/feelings in such a way that we were not allowed to do. That is why we are left out of the loop because of their preconceived notion that we will judge them harshly and/or laugh at what they are feeling. In some cases, they can actually explain what is going on within themselves better to a stranger than to us. I hope that this will help you. Jaycee, it's not you or our children's fault that he turned to another woman. It's his problem that he can't sit down and talk to you at this time. He doesn't trust himself or his feelings w/you right now. You also have to remember that the other woman doesn't know him the way you do and that's a positive in your favor. She's only seeing the side of him that is hurting and running scared right now. When he wakes up, things will change again and she will be the one on the outside wondering what happened to them. Some day, he will talk to you about some of what has happened to him, but not right now Be patient. Do not take what he is doing personally. I know that it is very hard to understand, but he will make it through the crisis when he's ready.
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
