Good grief what is wrong with him!! He should be validating your son's effort not trying to belittle it and tear it down. Sure anything you say he's probably going to react negatively to, but maybe it will make him think twice before he makes another asinine remark.
1. I've let time go by for my emotions to settle. 2. I've gotten some affirmation both that my H is not alone in acting like this and there could be some who say it's not such a big deal...as well as that H was wrong to do that. Other people's opinions give perspective to mine, and I find that helpful. 3. Probably most important, the action of typing here to give concrete words to my feelings and objections. This helps me be just a little more aware of what I value and what I think, so I can be more prepared to verbalize it to my kids or to H in the moment. 4. Not sure I'll email him, this time, still sitting on it. There are bigger fish to fry.
Other news: I got a card and flowers for Mother's Day! From my sons! I was really curious to know if H had anything to do with it, but I think he did not. Or, well, did by modelling paying attention to his mom with them on Saturday. My S16 said Happy Mother's Day to me first thing in the morning, disappeared a while later with his friend who drives, and came in with two bunches of flowers and a card he got S14 to wake up and sign too. I expressed my delight at all of this. I believe S16 and his friend who drives came up with the idea and did all the execution. If H had anything to do with it, I'd thank him too, but I feel pretty sure he didn't.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
When we were dating my H told my brother, who is a very serious person 10 years older than me, a joke whose punch line was blue balls (guffaw guffaw). I was very uncomfortable because my family doesn't talk like that. My brother made disapproving noises and didn't laugh at all. My H said later that it was because my brother and my whole family was repressed and abnormal. I was willing to believe him in spite of my own reservations. I was so stupid. I really hope that my boys don't turn out like him.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
Oh drat. H did help out with Mother's Day and I'm not very nice assuming he didn't. We are talking about teenage boys, it would be too much to expect.
H showed up at the lacrosse game so I asked him. I said, I got nice flowers for Mother's day, did you have something to do with that? He said yes and that he gave S16 the money. So I thanked him and said it was nice.
I hate it when he's nice. It doesn't jibe with how I prefer to see him currently. He's cordial and distant and a bit of a jerk, unattractive and argumentative, but he did get the kids to do Mother's Day at least.
I hate it when he comes to the games too, because my friends don't sit with us and I feel obligated to sit next to him away from my friends, and we don't talk, and I feel like I'm doing something nice to sit with him but that I don't really want to be doing it. But it beats the alternative of not sitting near him and then feeling like a jerk. I have a lot more fun when he's not there, but it is good for S16 for him to be there and for me to not make it unpleasant for him.
But I don't make much conversation because I've realized if I don't go to that effort, then there is no conversation because he is completed disconnected and emotionally withdrawn from me. And making up for that is no longer my job.
Anyway, it was a good game, we won before the rain set in, and he showed up which is a positive for S16.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
I hate it when he comes to the games too, because my friends don't sit with us and I feel obligated to sit next to him away from my friends, and we don't talk, and I feel like I'm doing something nice to sit with him but that I don't really want to be doing it.
Why do you feel obligated? Out of fear that others will judge you if you elect to set apart from H? Out of worry that H's nose will be bent out of shape because you elected to sit with your friends?
You can sit wherever you WANT to....not exactly running for the Miss Congeniality title. Unless you have Sandra Bullock's acting chops!!
I don't fear that anyone will judge me for not sitting next to my estranged. I do feel like most people at the games do not know that S16's parents are separated, and sitting apart from H will raise questions. Also I feel bad for him sitting by himself like he smells funny. When I arrived tonight he was lying flat along the bleacher like a corpse, probably taking a nap until game time. Not that many people were there yet, a few, so I went up and said hi and sat down. As other people arrived, they did not come up and sit next to me, so it was just the two of us. I did bop around and visit with other people.
The other guess, that I worry that H's nose will be bent out of shape, nah. He acts so blase, like nothing happened, that if I sit away from him he'll likely act blase about that too. He doesn't act like he cares if I sit with him or not, and he wouldn't be caught dead acting like it bothered him if I sat elsewhere. It's more about me feeling like I'm being a jerk. I think it's more comfortable for him to have me act like we get along just fine. I think it makes me uncomfortable to make him uncomfortable. Since he's there, I might just as well sit next to him like we go together. It would feel weirder not to.
It's a big whatever, I guess. It comes down to seeming like more of a statement than it's worth, to sit away from him.
It will not likely ever get easy to hang around with him, but the occasions where I need to do that are going to be mostly gone in two years.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
But I also would not like not sitting next to him because I would feel uncomfortable about publicly NOT acting like I get along with him.
Him being there makes me feel uncomfortable but it is best for the kids. In the ideal world he would hang out with the kids separately from me, but lacrosse games don't afford that option because I want to be at them all.
I don't see an alternative that makes me feel good about attending lacrosse games with him; it is just mildly unsettling, NOT a big deal for me, and good for the boy.
This is sounding more and more ridiculous the more I think about it. I'm an adult trying to do the best right thing even if none of the alternatives thrill me. Suck it up, right?
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
